Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Silvester's day

Finally, again in contact with the world, Today started our connection with the Web, and now I can easily write down my thoughts in the blog from home. In good time the light from the Internet come into our house, giving me a chance to say good bye from this year to all of you and desire the best 2009. It is funny how we get use with this new toys, there was a time when to receive a normal letter in my home, p.e. from the Algarve, from some family, it was a reason to celebrate, few years later it was the time to the phone with wires arrived in my home, Though already more than one hundred years after Bell did his first experiences, it was now, that my family and friends could become closer to us and enjoy the biggest breakthrough from the last century. Amazing how come from a simple cable could pass all our conversations, Hundreds km of distance turned in a short distance between a mouth and a ear. But, in a flash the Internet come and shape a new Era straight pasted all that achievements to the bin, Now we only want to speak by the skype or messenger, nothing but not only a connection with image is tolerated by us :) Also the Net able me to know what is going on in Portugal, even if I am not sure if always I want to know and be update.

By the Way, Mon Amis, Soon We will be in Portugal, It is right in 11th of January I will arrived in the Algarve, And I would love to see all my friends. I should be at 14th in the South of Lisbon and I would enjoy to see the friends, some I have not seeing for a long time. It would be great to be in touch again, And in 16th I might be in Lisbon, I was thinking to have a dinner or a coffee with the friends that can come to join me, furthermore 17th it will be my birthday, so in that way Friday in night we can make already a toast and celebrate one more year in my curriculum, if you do not mind I will have it a juice. I cannot wait to see the Atlantic and Lisbon after few years and Olivia to have her first contact with her own country. Anyway before that I will need to visit one more time the Chemotherapy suite this Monday.

The end of the year it has been a relaxing time, and also a period to enjoy the life, Only yesterday I went for the last scanning of the year, it was a PET Scan-DOTA-TATE, a sophisticated scan that tries to show all the Neuroendocrines, Now is only missing another one to be carry out in the next year, this is a sister of the last one, that calls PET Scan-DOTA-DATE, and is a scan still in the trial process, and in connection with the one I did yesterday expects to bring to the light all the tumours lesions provoked by the degeneration of hormones.

To finish the year I only want to honour a small music to my Love Justyna,

#Justyne, you are my heroine,
Justyne, you are my Insulin,
Justyne, you are my sunshine
With you I will be fine#

Friday, December 26, 2008

The greatest gift

The Christmas and End of the year brought us peace and the pleasure of enjoying the smallest things, company of each other, food, discover the undiscovered. This Christmas year we did not share with the family, something that is happening with me for already three years in a row, but we had the pleasure of been with lovely friends. We hope you all enjoy the season.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas day at 23th of December


And the Big Tuesday come, I woke up very nervous, introspective and fearing the worst, It was not easy to maintain all the positive spirit that I showed in the last days. Though I was not 100% positive, I was calm enough, calm from somebody that is waiting for everything, even if my tumor decided to increase size or something like that....
I could postponed this day forever, Just live in the hope and do not face the reality, if possible it was.

Anyway, I went to the Royal Free early to move out from home, as at home without doing nothing it was driving me mad. Already in the Hospital in the waiting room the feeling of not having anything under my feet increase, Actually I think in that waiting room Oliwka was the only person that did not show any signs of tension, probably already guessing what was coming next. So much I would like to be a baby as well.

At the time, I was called to the appointment, The doctor it was not Dr Fusai but some other from his team , what also upset me in the beginning, First of all she told me that all the doctors discussed my case, Dr, Caplin, Dr Tim Meyer and Dr Fusai and they decided that the best to me would be to do two more cycles of Chemotherapy (6 overall) and after look again. Just like that I was disappointed, but only after when I asked about the results from the scanning I have had last week, essentially the CT scan, the good news arrived. She confirmed that my tumor shrunk 20% so far, what is brilliant news. In that way, as my body is reacting so well to the chemotherapy is worth to do more chemo and in March come to see again the Operator and then go ahead for the operation. Later in the appointment I was glad, as doctor Fusai pop in the room to say hello to us and confirm the great news, Not always the people react so good to the treatment as me, So lets carry on with some more Chemo. Also they mentioned that there is other chances of treatment in the future, It could also happen instead of surgery some radiotherapy, this would be with some injections straight in the target, in the tumor in the Liver. For me does not matter the methodology of treatment or either the time will take us, only matter that the tumor now shrunk :) Finally the doctor ask us to relax and wished us a merry Christmas.

We were so happy with the results, the shadow of a dark Christmas just disappeared and now we just want to enjoy the days, Some kg have been taken from my shoulders. For now lets enjoy.

I would like to send lots of love to everybody and wish peace for everyone in this small World

How to relax?

Regarding to 22th of December

Monday, In the eves of the Big Tuesday, very few I can do but wait and try to relax, keeping calm and trying and trying to be positive, even, if I am knowing there is a possibility to come out from this appointment with my chances of lasting until next Christmas very much reduced. But, to be honest I am positive and have a big hope of getting a safe port.

I remember to past through this nervous morning before, either when I was approaching some important test in the school, or either to an interview for a job. Now I realize how needless is to spend energies either with that small things, when the life is not in check is it now.


Saturday, December 20, 2008

Running all the time

I still do not have Internet at home, Just get the occasion now to send a big kisses to everybody and hope I still in contact until Christmas, In case that not get in touch until there, Just a big kiss and hope all of you as a great season. It is a good moment to relax and for a while just think about the best things in life, the love and respect for everybody.
Today I am trying to move the last things to the new house, and it still a lot of stuff to transport. The friends are again helping, Mike, Veena, Rafi and Kaska are giving their hands to the job. I am more in the background, to save my back. Because of that, Justyna needs to use all the time all her four hands, counting with the two that I am not using. She never stops.
See you soon

Countdown for the Big Tuesday

Reporting of 18th December

I become so professional about my commitments related with the disease, that I always managing to be very early in the appointments. Therefore, today I was suppose to be in the Nuclear department of the UCLH to have a FDG PET scan at 9.00 am, but it past only few minutes from 8.00 and I was already there, In good time I come, because all the initialisation for this sophisticated scanning could also started earlier.

First of all they gave me an injection of pure sugars or glucose with some radiation, and let me to rest for an hour, time enough to this compost do the desired effect in my cells. The idea is after to look for the hormones and tissues that are sick, then this ones, because they are sick and weak will absorb all the sugars, now injected, Is in this sugars where they will go to take their energy. After the sugars spread around the body, I was invited to go to this big machine in cylindrical and tunnel shape, and then I past from one extreme to the other one for an another hour, laying down, while the computer is taking pictures of all this cells with problems.

Thus, until the appointment with Dr Fusai next Tuesday, I am free, No more tests or scanning. To celebrate nothing better than a good afternoon of sleep, Also Olywka did the same.

First Stop

Reporting of 17 of December 2008

As planned, 17 of December, In the first stop we arrived. 17 is not only the date of my anniversary in the next month but was also the date of a big day in my life. I went to the Royal Free Hospital, with the sugars high, consequence of all disturbance in my night, nothing to eat for up to 12 hours. The fasting is something that my body cannot cope anymore. Nowadays due of my hormones I become like a flower in a green house, very delicate.

Although the high sugars, we woke up again with a very good spirit, ready to go, and ready for everything, Firstly a visit to the first floor to do a special blood test to check the behave of some of my hormones, After a short trip to the ground floor to be set for the most important images, to the CT scanning (Computer tomography scanning). Long wait for my turn, but meanwhile I drunk a special mix of a colourful liquid, this to highlight a contrast in the scanning. There I used the last half hour to do some meditation, also I initiated visualization of my Liver, I tried to let him come down, and I had also some particular words with him. There in the waiting room we can see people with all sorts of lucky, there was a young woman that specially impressed me, she looked completely lost, laid down in the bed, she was avoiding any contact with the exterior, she had a teddy bear on the top of her head to hide herself from us, the surrounding, And whenever she was asked for anything she could not speak, so nervous and scare she was. Nevertheless, there was other detail that strongly marked that picture, a nurse that was close to this patient, and I will not forget the image, she was all the time passing her tenderness hands through the young lady’s face in a supreme gesture of love and humanity. I guess that woman in the bed was confronted with something terrible in the last few hours.
From what she was living and essential from my experience now, I completely understand the meaning of life and live, Before sometimes I barely could understand why for example some people with some terrible problems such as palsy, or other even worst could live and sometimes enjoying the life, was a concept very difficult for me to understand. But, when I found my life slipping under my feet I realise the meaning of one more hour or year in my life. Even with all the problems, healthy consequences of diabetes and other things that I still do not know, but will face very soon, I can exchange the quality of life for an extension, or quantity of life. Of course I am not considering a person with a persistent big pain. I think the same thing can be transported to any body with severe problems, All the people believe and hope that the future can bring better things.

Is coming more my friends.


Reporting of 16th of December 2008

Definitely if my life in long term is now dependent from the Cancer, that I will difficult get rid off, in the short term it might be the sugars levels the rulers, and this sugars ones will depend from elsewhere, that does not need to be sweet, principally if I am relax and comfort or not. So, yesterday, marked our arriving in the new place, the moving in it was not smoothly, as all our life as showed to the evidence. Without any miserliness, nothing is easy and nothing is guaranteed. The only guarantee is the friendship of our super friends. Again they are everywhere, do not let us have two steps in false. So many times I wanted to gave up with the fight or just stop all and for a while falling down with an unstoppable crying, Either Justyna, sometimes she cannot hide from me, this, only when she is almost knocked down, But it was in this moments that the friends were determinant to made this moments do not prolong for too long. Is like a boat surviving in a temps to almost a sure sunk. Sunday and Monday we found in our new place, so much happiness that we have been missing. Suddenly the sugars levels also come to better scores, confirming the correlation in between the stability and good atmosphere of our house and the behave of my sugars levels (another axiom did by Helder).

We just have been enjoying with Olywka, for the first time we danced altogether in the bedroom some Christmas hits, Good that Oly cannot understand the silly behave of her clumsy father. It is another Helder, completely different from that one has been crossing the painful road of the Chemotherapy, for now with a lot of energy and love for life. If the cancer can by fight by the environment surrounded, family and friends, then to find myself cure would be just a matter of time.

Is coming more

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy Sunday

Ola Bom Dia,

I am really exited today, This morning we are moving to our new house, The essential things are already there, Now we are going with Shuby and Thom to drop some other things and after start some cleaning and tide up. The process will be long but I cannot wait to have our space, we could enjoy and relax as a family. I will have a problem for a few days I cannot write here in my blog as I still do not have Internet connection at home. But soon I will be in touch.

At the time I am writing this blog, the unbelievable happen, I received a message in my Mobile phone from the UCL Hospital (University College of London) regarding to a PET Scanning, This exam is now booked for 18 thy of December. On time to the operator, Dr. Fusai looked until 23th of December. It was good news, because in the last appointment with Dr Caplin, he wanted to do only the exam after six sessions of chemotherapy. This test is something very new, still in the trial but apparently has been showing very good results.

Lovely Sunday for everybody.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Polish steppe


After two days that I only slept and slept, only now I feel slightly better in order to put out some ideas. Yesterday it was not a brilliant day, the appointment with Dr. Caplin frustrated me, as he mentioned that I should have at least six chemotherapy session before any operation instead of three or four as have been told me before and I was prepared. So, after the appointment I was devastated again, also because the sugars still do not calm down, then I am having short nights sleep and feeling tired all the time.
But, this afternoon I am better, Without my help Justyna was moving a lot of stuff for the new house with the help of Shuby and Mike.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

More news tomorrow

The day it was not so bright as it looks in the picture, Today I slept again few hours, Resting and trying to take bon appetite of all drugs that I have had. The image represents the way I will do it tomorrow, the Master Route to the Royal Free Hospital, I will go to see the head of the Oncologists, Dr. Caplin. There is not any scanning yet to discuss but this doctor always brought me some calm and support, so we hope to find that tomorrow again.

big kiss

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

So cold outside

The news are almost the same, this means no bad news. Just I have been with a crises of hiccups, something that appears suddenly and keeps for almost a hour and also goes away when not expected. In afternoon after some rest we all went to take some sun shine in a pond nearby Shuby's house, We spread some bread through the ducks and birds that did came around. The cold that started to frozen some parts of the small pond gave even more beauty to the landscape.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Whiter would be impossible


As expected the night it was hard to get rid off of them self, Without sleep the nights are always long. I had only couple of hours sleep, only recovered with some other naps before the lunch and in the afternoon. Not only I felt sick, also the sugars raised and probably made more weak. Nevertheless, I am not knocked down yet, I hope in a matter of days I will be again with all my strengths. For sure I was not in my days, but in compensation Olywka was so much talkative today, unstoppable in her creation of new sounds, even if faraway from been an intelligible words.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Chemotherapy-Session 4 With love


As I promised I woke up full of energy, ready for another battle in the Royal Free Hospital, It was a long day, I was there at 10 AM and left, when my friend Veena came to pick me up at 10 PM. The morning I had the visit of Jane, lovely to update some of our chats, There was only around two hours that I was alone and bored after Jane needed to leave to have a meeting, But, after Justyna came to the ward to bring me and show me Olywka, This it was just for a few minutes, as it is not advised babies to be in Hospital, in order to not catch up any flu. In the quick visit from Justyna, brought me also a souvenir, two beautiful books, passing in review the decade of 40's and 50's with pictures and a small notes about the events, So it was exactly what I needed to distract myself and take me away from the lethargy that was immersed. And this it was also a gift for our first weeding anniversary that has been completed today. I was so stress in the morning that it was Justyna who remembered about the special day that we were living. As my love said, this time will be remembered as How could the love between us kept us together and it is making the fight more easy and the dream tangible.

After become 4.00PM and also Pajo and John arrived then the last hours until 10 PM went very fast and my mood just changed 180 degrees, I was with such a good spirit enjoying the impossible. Justyna and Olywka joined us after 6pm when all the other patients left the ward.

Now back to Shuby's house, we just could not believe, Shuby and Thom prepared such a great reception, For us was waiting a table royally set and when the starters and meals started to come we just could not believe, The feeling of feel special from a special friends is difficult to describe. I was feeling sick but after I just forgot about that. It was a hard day that become so much easy with all the friends that been around since morning until the evening.

Now is time to rest

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Wait, when necessary


There we are, in the eve of another session, that can take me to the doors of the operation, but I am trying to take one day at a time, otherwise all looks so long. Today I am been feeling very tired, but I promise tomorrow I will wake up with all my energies recharged and ready to take it easy the 10 hours session. So, I am planning to have an early night sleep.
Until tomorrow

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Polish angels

A long day we had left behind, At afternoon we went to an already traditional Christmas lunch in Maria's' house, divine Paellas and other sort of food on the table. And of course so many sweaty sweets tempting me and I am sorry I could not resist to pick up some from the Justynas' plate. But of course the occasion was great to review a lot of friends that we have not seen for a long time, Funny that I enjoy very much to have people and friends around nevertheless I do not feel keen on to too much interact and have an active participation in the chats, nowadays I prefer to listen or just be there. Overall in the last couple of days I have been feeling very sad, that ended up in the night with a depression taking part of brain, something that I could not avoid. Is difficult to explain why, fortunately as I said to Justyna, it is not due to any pain, because have been feeling pretty good, I think it is just about the pressure that I am start to go through with another unpleasant chemotherapy session on the way, determinants scanning on the sight and of course the sacred word from the surgeon almost to be known. But, also to the sorry that I am committed to live probably forever regarding to the people that had and been suffering with Cancer. Some examples that I get know in my way I cannot turn my back or pretending that it is not my problem. I feel the Cancer and people fighting against must be part always of my thoughts.

Anyway, I must understand that fact does not mean that I cannot become happy again. I still do not know how I will do it, probably Olywka will teach me.
But for now I just want to cry and I cannot do anything against that, At least what make more calm is to know that to fell more comfortable I just need to go to the bedroom and look for my angels sleeping.

Good night sleep

Hospital's view


Back again this morning to the normal check ups before the next chemotherapy session, Apparently the blood tests gave again green light for Monday's session. In the appointment today with Dr Tim Meyer which was sided by two other oncologist, they made me feeling almost as a case study, they siege me with questions about side effects, they were surprise by the low side effects after my sessions, already long, so far three cycles of chemotherapy. He also examined my tummy, around Liver and Pancreas, and all look smooth and normal. So, now we hope the scanning booked for 17 of December showed that my Liver has had been less tolerating for the drugs than myself as human being (expect Liver)

Before I had my weight weighted and incredible! I put on weight a fantastic 200g, I am now with 63 Kg. I think this week Olywka gain more grams than me :( But at least the weight increased
Afterwards we went to our new flat, it was great to see my new nest, It is a place that need some new decoration, but it has already its own sole. Boring to go to the bureaucratic things, agreeing with a lady that did all the inventory of the house, look for all small details. At the same time deal with George, a nice gentleman who is responsible for all the maintenance of the house. We hope to have some stuff repaired next week, as some walls repainted to deleted the time past by. Nevertheless we decided to not sleep there because it was freezing inside, the heaters did not warm enough to guaranty a good first night in our place.

Thus, we decide to have another gypsy experience and we went for a couple of days to Shuby's house, until they repair this few things.

great weekend

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Larger family


The life of my family it looks more as a Gypsy family because of our nomadic nature, with all the respect and honour for the Romany community. Today it had another chapter, we went back for our house, or better Rob and Sandras' house. It was great also to smell our house and see our friends again. But, for short time, as tomorrow we might start to move to the new accommodation.

This week I took it as a holidays, such was the relaxing time and great to see sister and family. Anyway, they left this morning, Shuby and Thom took them to the airport. And our life here in London is just about also to take off to other dimension. Thus, tomorrow I will see the Oncologist to discuss if I am well to be submitted to another chemotherapy cycle already this Monday, Meanwhile this weekend we will move to our new and permanent place.

I hope next week I will be already settled in my new bedroom to take smoothly the side effects, essentially the tiredness. And after all friends are welcome to visit us, there will be a spare bed awaiting for you.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Ruled by a dog, why not

Well, and today it will come to the end the staying of my sister, Paulo and the magnificent Dani, It was an indescribable week, with so much time for our self and at the same time see Dani and Oly together it was another dream that came through. Hopefully we will get more moments like that in the future. Helping to the harmony of this weekend it was the fact to see my sister after almost an year and to view Daniel for the first time, but also the big reason for our comfort was the atmosphere that we found in Shuby's house and the care from all her family, from Thomas, Rayan to Taz, the lovely dog. Taz was a dog abandoned that was rescued by Shuby when he was five years old, luckily Taze in spite of the sadness in its life at least now is a very happy dog that is loved by its owners, but we can feel that because of all the troubles he had it is hard to get is total confidence, Firstly he studies each person and only after opens its heart. He is a superior example of the magnanimity Canine, As Mario de Miranda states to err is human to forgive is canine.
In this way we spent all day at home with all the pleasure, surrounded by kids and love, what else we could desire? I cannot think about any other thing. The warmth indoors balanced the freezing outdoors

Also in the evening I had the visit from a friend I have not seen for a few years, Luis Ganhao, it was lovely from him to came and then know more about how he is and other friends back in Portugal, that I lost track. Thank you for your support friend.



Today, we had an appointment with the surgeon that has been booked quite a long time ago, when I started the chemotherapy. And in that time we thought today I would have been already scanned and it could be decided today if I can go straight away to the operation in the Liver or not, But the things has been delayed and I still have another chemo cycle this Monday and the important CT scanning will happen only at 17 th of December. Even though the appointment with Mr Fusai it went more positive than we expected, as when I got in his room I thought I will come without nothing because there was nothing to discuss, but in the end the doctor booked me already for an octreotide scanning, the one that is carry out in the Nuclear department and shows all the infections made by the Neurodocrine. Thus, next time when I will see Mr Fusai in 23rd of December He will have all the information in his hands to decide the next stage. What made us, special Justyna very happy with this appointment it was the fact that he mentioned again that he was astonished with my remarkable recovery from the first surgery and with the way I presented without any mark of the chemotherapy in my face or body. additionally he mentioned several times about a very likely operation in the end of this process. So, lets keep fingers cross and wait for Christmas eve eve day.

Afterwards we went back to a coffee shop where my sister was waiting for us and together we went back to Shuby's house, In the way I was just relaxing and enjoy all the good thoughts, and the arrive at house brought even more happiness with the good atmosphere that we can feel inside the Shubys house. The dinner it was again a magical moment, Shubys prepared a fantastic Indian food. Veena also come to join us and enlarge the family around the table :) For dessert Thomas introduced me to something that I never seen and heard, the Chocolate sugar free, Cho for a diabetic. I was so glad. The time just flew with a chat in between friends and overall with the communication that we tried to have with Olywka and with Daniel.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Talented friend


Great to woke up this morning with such a sun shine, a light that I have not seen for a weeks, for that also helped the late hours that I woke up. After, there was only time for a quick breakfast and lunch and straight get on the way to the Royal Free Hospital. The doctors came out with the conclusion that I am not allergic to any of the substances tested, this means that the big suspicious still the penicillin for my allergy at the time of the operation, The next step is to test my body to this drug.

Evening we had a great dinner with all the family and the night reserved a unique moment when me, Justyna and baby were laying down in the bed and just enjoy a dream moment of Rayne playing in the keyboards. Olywka was just astonished as us with his masterpieces composed by him. Not often we can see such a talent in a lovely and friendly boy.


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Limitless love

Sometimes I feel how lucky I am for in a short period of time that I been living in London I can scream loudly, what a lovely friends I have. Shuby is a person that I met in a less than a year ago in my last job, but already before I become sick she showed always so much care and attention regarding to me, and after the Cancer was diagnosed on me she just has been always close to me, Her support it has been difficult to write here, because all the words will not be enough and my English language is not at a level to describe that feelings. She is like a God that gave to my family so much care and love, a person very sensitive to all the emotions and needs of the people, and in our case she become our light. In the beginning when all fall apart, essential my life was running away she presented and learnt to me how to keep the faith. And when nobody wanted to give me a chance because rationally there was no way to escape there was this friend that showed me that there is other ways as the rational to think positive and believe in a good end. So as you can imagine there is no other place where I could feel more safe apart from the Hospital, than in her house. Thus, today all the family moved to Shuby's house to stay all together until my sister flies back to Portugal.
Great week and the best of December. Do not forget that you all still can do 2008 a great year. Is not necessary too much for that.

Solid friendship

It is official, we have a house, VIVA. We signed already the contract and will move in next Friday 5th of December. A house that will be open for all friends. It will be good to finally have a permanent place and the Christmas will sound even better in the warmth of our house.

Today we enjoy a lovely day with friends in Vascos' house, just it was a shame that the owner, Vasco was working, not been present in this friends meeting. Thus, the feast was completed with Pajo and Filipa & Luis. Yes, Filipa and Luis gave us the pleasure of their visit, This friends have been since the first time always very close to us, been responsible also to not let me go down in my worst moments. Thank you for your friendship.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Victim of credit crunch


Before we met with my sister we went back to the Royal Free Hospital to be removed the patch testes set in my back, and I still need to go next Monday to know the final conclusions, For now it looks that there is only one substance that I may be allergic. But, the doctor will tell me next week. In this trip to Hospital, almost in the time when I was leaving I saw a doctor that was looking for me, but only after he past trough me I realised that he was the Dr Tim Meyer, the doctor responsible for the chemotherapy. I hope he will not be upset with me for not recognised him straight away, I am scare that he now will revenge and set me different drugs in the next chemotherapy that will harm me :) I will try to no stress with that.

Afterwards we went to met with the family. Lovely to seat in a coffee shop and have a tea and chat about everything and nothing, something that only this places invite. The evening we past in House tasting the chicken meat brought by my sister from Portugal. The chicken was brought up in the Algarve in my Godparents Isabel and Arnaldo farm, the taste was not possible to confuse.

To end up the night I did a mistake of turning on the Portuguese Télé, as I become embarrassed and sad with the news not only from India, but also from Portugal. I could not believe to see all the pornography around the BPP - Bank that use to manage the fortunes in Portugal and is setting to receive help from the government, and I can see also the poor Joe Berardo getting some financial help in the future, as the miserable and homeless Madeirense lost so much money with this crisis. I agree with my friend John Gandhy, this looks the best time to start the Revolution.

Lovely weekend

Thursday, November 27, 2008


It was good to see Daniel for the first time, Who is saying is me Olywka and my parents are feeling the same. And delightful to see my beautiful aunt and uncle also for the first time, I know that my parents they have not seen them for along time, for a year, since their wedding in 8th of December. I remember their voices in the wedding ceremony as I was already inside my mums belly.

Today we did not have too much time to play with each other because our parents were running all day. They needed to go to the Vasco's house where my cuisine Daniel will be staying in London. So I did not have time to speak much with Daniel but he is a strong handsome Latin boy and very friendly.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Rui attacking the fish

Ola meus amigos,

What a busy day I had, ufff, but I am glad and surprise to feel that I still have some energies left at this time of the night. Normally, I am a man only for half day, after the afternoon the energies runs out and I become almost a veg :) The characteristic that I have for a long time, since I born 36 years ago, but now I fell that increased and become more evident is my loss of memory, either short or long. Actually, this is a feature that I am proud, because I inherited from my father, that is why I would call this the Rui's Syndrome, kind of mental laziness in a brilliant mind.

This fact become even more present now with the chemotherapy underway, In a normal day since the morning, even to shave I need always to ask Justa where is it my razor, where is toothpaste, like if I would not know where to find it. Of course if I would do a bigger effort I should know where to find that things, But fortunately Justyna keeps forgive me, until when, I do not know:)

Today I went to the Royal Free Hospital to try to close a chapter opened in the first operation in August, Back to that time I had a big allergic reaction in my body, with a rush that started in my groynes and spread to all over the body, additionally I could not sleep for a week. Thus, today I went to the Dermatology to do a patch testing to find out what substances I am allergic and to avoid the use of those products in next operations or surgeries. This patch testing in my case consisted in 45 small metal discs, where previous it was applied the substances that I may be allergic, and then attached to my back and secured by a tape. The substances it was some general European substances and also the products in use in any hospital, things like plaster, latex. The patches are left until Friday and then the doctor will observe and monitor the development, and Finally Monday they will look again if there is reaction and will be taken the conclusions. Even, if this is a complex procedure it may not be enough to sorted out my case, Because this test will not see my body's reaction to drugs, as penicillin, tramadol or acreotide, drugs that I toke after the first operation and the Surgeon had suspicious this ones were the causes of that allergy. But fortunately the doctors are looking for that and they will send me to the Immunization department , where they will use other methods to find out about that drugs effect in me.

But now, back to to patch test, I am also happy as now I found an excuse to not take a bath in order to not wet the testes and undermine the operation in course, Poor Justyna and Olivia with their smelly father.

I hope my nephew will not notice my smell. Yes, that is true, tomorrow I will see for the first time my 4 months old nephew, We cannot wait to see him and Olywka even more, she is very excited with the idea of meet the cousin Daniel. It will be good for all of us to see my sister and Paulo. It will be a great week with many things to speak and to share. Shame that also my parents cannot come, it will be next time, I am also happy because I know that my father is putting on weight, it means he is less worried, relaxing more and enjoying the mums food. It was difficult to him to be always away from what was going on here in London.

Something that I will give up now on is to go out to watch football, because always I decide to go to a pub to watch in the télé a match with my team, either Sporting or the Portuguese national team, this teams always lose. And today it was more the same. Me, Pajo, John, Mike and Paul all went to a Portuguese cafe to watch the Sporting against Barcelona, and the result it was again a miserable defeat for my colours.

But this made me stronger :) I am here already through the morning and quite happy :)

See you soon camaradas

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Zero size :)


We are back to our house in Seven Sisters, We were for two weeks in a friend's house, Jane. It was brilliant the days of rest for all the family. But, also is good to be back to our house and know where to find the things. Shame that our friends Rob & Sandra are with a cold. I hope they will get better soon.

Meanwhile, the business of our new house looks is nearly closed, but lets wait to do not have any bad surprises.


Monday, November 24, 2008

Bears in the Arctic

The days still flowing as a snail through to leaves, my condition is still slowly improving, I am starting to be confident and carry Olywka in my arms and spend some of my energies in silly jokes to catch her laugh. For now there is nothing better in my life.

Shame, but today my friend Miriam said good bye to us, she decided to go back to Lisbon, and this was was an excuse to have farewell party in Jane's house. Mike also join our group, I am sure that Miriam even if is sad to leave against her wish enjoyed the evening and felt our warmth and love as I felt. Thank you for our support and do not forget next Monday I am waiting for you in the chemotherapy suite. The party tested my self, with the richness of wine and chocolates over the table that I refused :)

I also had some cuts in my, today. Pajo applied again his skills of hair dresser and the result it was very satisfactory, I am looking very smart. Only my ears need to have a double protection with the Arctic wave that sat over London.

Ate amanha

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Lets go to the next bridge


I hope the positive signs that I had today it will become a fact in the next days, The sugars since the morning came to values of one digit, something did not happen since along time ago. And during day I could eat more and the sugars kept looking stable. This is important to my body recover in the way only with sugars in a reasonable and healthy range my organism can absorb the calories in need and do not let me starving of energies and dehydrated of happiness.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

use your illusion

Finally I had some energies to go outside to take some fresh air or better Justyna pushed me out, It was only an hour in the morning but enough to break the routine and feel how much cold was outdoors and wish to be back home quick. The sugars are not giving mercy as the pressure in the abdomen. I hope next week the things will improve as in the last sessions.

But, this time the pos chemo is passing so slowly, almost if it was not moving, testing my calm.

By the way is time to go to bed :)


Friday, November 21, 2008

Road for the new flat

In fact the night it was short for me not because of the small Oly, but because of me and my jet lag, duet to the chemotherapy. Thus, at 3.00 AM I was already woke and needing to entertain myself reading until the breakfast time arrived. Since I woke I dreamt so much about the sausages I had in the fridge and a lovely scramble eggs in the table. This it was basically all the morning. After the breakfast I rest the hours left.
The search for new flat still need to carry on as the one we were looking did not work out.
Afterwards we had a visit of Veena what was a fantastic way to say hello to the weekend.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

London also stops

I am sure the life is still going very busy for most of you. But, here in the house the life has almost stooped, Today me and Oliwka decided to sleep almost all day and mum also rested, I was glad to see Justyna reading all afternoon, Taking back her old passion. Probably the nightmare will be in the night, as Oly now she skips the naps in the night for day. I will tell you tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Our star

The day deserved to be separated in two halves, until afternoon it was a calm day, sleeping almost all time, and enjoy some intervals with my special ones, Oliwka and Justa.

Only when afternoon arrived the almost night brought us the highest point of the day. We went to witnessed a beautiful project from the responsibility of my friend Veena. She set a group of 31 dads singing in 21 languages songs for kids, So as you can imagine with such a mix of different backgrounds the out come it was a very beautiful party and also a CD to proof it. This CD it was launched today and has my voice to sing a Portuguese song, Jardim da Celeste.
I was invited for this event in June, just when I become sick, and in that time I remember to do not be sure if I could do it with all the news I have been told me in the UCL Hospital, but in reality I was present today and I had a really good time :)
Love to every one and special big kiss to Veena

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Waiting for the next move


As usual the first day after the chemotherapy I am living the same sensations of the others first days. A very short sleep in the night, a couple of hours, but I compensated with all afternoon in the bed. Another familiar reaction is the sugars levels going up. But at least the appetite it still enough to allow me to get a reasonable amount of calories.

Today I get clarified about what will happen next, I received a letter by post from the Royal Free Hospital booking the CT scan for 17th of December, this means that I should have at least one more chemotherapy session in three weeks. And only after the scanning the doctors will take a decision, This would be already close to Christmas, probably the surgeon will transmit me the decision in an appointment that I have with him at 23rd of December.

This December it seems a very busy time, we are moving house, we are dealing with a crucial time regarding with my healthy issues, and of course we want to live some of the Christmas spirit even more now with the gift of Oliwka.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Chemotherapy-Session 3

Tonight after the long day and arriving home I confess in spite of the confusion and tiredness there is a smell of mission accomplished, When I was set for this chemotherapy I wished this day and now we are here.
Now is waiting in two weeks for the scanning and then for the interpretations of the doctors. I will try to do what I should, I always been trying to follow the some philosophy in my life, Nothing can be taken as the last or most important thing in the world. Sometimes an unexpected decision make us progress in different track and then finding some other virtues, and now is the same, it does not help to thing as the next appointment will mean everything or nothing.

The session it was long as usual, the nurses needed to stay longer just because of me, and today Justyna cannot come with me because Oliwka was with a cold, so Miriam join me in this marathon of 10 hours. When we are inside the Chemotherapy ward the world looks like so different as I knew it. Here the Cancer is a dictator, The conversations by the people is like, "the person is beside me its tumour decreased size, she is so happy", "I have been sick all last week" and overall the faces and body of the customers in someway are marked by the fight. Today since I started the infusion of the drugs I felt agonised, only at home I tasted the real taste of the food with tasteful dinner cooked by Justa.
Well, by now I am dreaming with bed, because yesterday I barely slept, our Olivia could not sleep.
Hugs and kisses.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fan club


Sunday was an open day to our friends, This is what I need at the moment, I fear to feel alone, probably even more than the death. In the Morning we had a very fruity and healthy breakfast with John & Wilf, Rob and Sandra. It was good to share some English jokes, though my brain found difficult to follow any joke nowadays. Lunch it was our friend Mike, that gave us the pleasure of his company, I am with fingers cross to see Mike surviving the Financial crises, in the way he is working in an investment bank. Finally to end up the day was Miriam and Pajo that visited us and was great to taste the Pajo's culinary skills.

Meanwhile I am already feeling anxious for tomorrow and another chemotherapy session in the Royal free Hospital. It is a silly thought but I hope all this it would be worth, The last days I have been worried with a persistent pain in my abdomen, but I suppose is part of the healing of the last operation in conjugation with the chemotherapy on the way. Also my dreams in the night are reflecting all the worst perceptions, it is painful to wake up and remember the dreams that come along, in the process of dreaming I am often screaming or using direct action against the closest pillow.
In other plan, I want to complain to my new condition. Since I start to write this blog I become so famous, that now wherever I go I cannot pass in the streets without been recognised. This group of fans is the last occurrence.
Lovely day

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Looking for peace inside

After a bad day I am happy to announce a good day, In the Morning we left to meet Shuby that would take all us to the Amaravati Buddhist Monastery in Great Gaddesden in the Hertfordshire county. The link for who is interested is bellow:

The monk in charge for this work shop was Mr Bhikkhu Aloka. It was a long but a peaceful exercise, for two hours all of us, around 100, were in meditation on the floor indoors and just trying to see whatever it comes to our mind, if it is pain that you feel just observe it, if it is any sound just catch it, if is a smell just smelling. The process of mediation can imply just think about some specific thing or just do a more open and free process and then observe whatever is coming to your head, skipping from one thought to another one. Take the thoughts as it comes, no stress if the thought are bad. Even the silence is listenable and enjoyable, he said that the sound of the silence represents the working conscious.

Afterwards was another half an hour outside, doing small walks and trying to have an introspective attitude, here is more complicated, as the eyes are standing open. It was a funny sensation to see all the students and monks wandering in the large park outside.

As the Monk said now we all need to practise at home, and next Saturday I will be back again.

Lovely to finish my day listening some old songs in the company of my friend John, that today is overnighting in Jane's place as us.
Finish with the idea that the only thing more important in our life is not the love but the time.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Slowing down


I cannot wait for the end of this day, as it was so long physically and mentality. I have had already much better days than today, but this is part of the agreement, we always have this bad moments in between some others more bright. The accumulation of stress started in the early morning, I toke my shower with cold water, just when I was leaving the shower the hot water decided to come, too late. With that waste of time I need to run to catch the train to the hospital. Anyway, I was on time to have my blood test at 9.00am and appointment with the oncologist at 9.30.

The doctor from the Dr Tim Meyr team said that the results from the blood tests that I did in the morning were already in her computer, and showed that all organs are working well in spite of the chemo, so I will go for the next session this Monday. The only thing that disturbed me a bit it was when she was speaking it did not sound that she believed in an operation in a short term. Anyway, she said that I will do in two weeks a scanning to asses how it goes the metastases in the Liver. This made me coming back more to the Earth, and think I need to have my mind open for anything that comes in the next weeks.

After that I had another call to my phone from my GP, asking me to go there to speak about palliative care. This brought me even more down, But Justyna is right I should not be worried about that, because there is no way that they can know more than me about my condition, and so far the doctors did not close me the doors.

Probably because of all this stress my sugars in the blood become very very high, and I was irretrievably tired and bitter for all day. But not broken. Tomorrow, I am sure I will have more energies.
But the day has not finished yet, In the beginning of the afternoon I had another appointment in Hospital with a doctor and nurse from the diabetes and a nurse from the dietitian team. It was a long meeting but profitable. they explained me some matters that I was not aware and the also the regularity of my injection will be changed as well to address my loss of weight.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

First teeth

It is not to bad this sensation of hermit, essential when outside is cold and wet, I can read all the newspapers and magazines that has been accumulated beside my bed and leave the rest to Olivia to read and scratch. As you can see for the picture she is always in the company of the books.
This evening it was registered for a big scream of Olivia's Mum, I was surprised what did happen and Justyna completely out of her, in a hysteric tone told us, "I can see the first Olivia's teeth"
So, after also I was exited with this landmark. What is the next surprise that our Olivia will reserve for us?
Tomorrow is a very busy day in the Hospital, I have an appointments with the Oncologist in the morning and in the afternoon I will see the doctor of the Endocrinology team. The last one it will be the first time I will see them, I cannot wait :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Polish beauty

I am trying to take advantage of the last week before another chemotherapy session arrived, anyway the countdown has already started in my head, it is a shame when I start to feel better, less tired, is when the next battery of chemicals is duet. But, no complains for who has done already all this way. Against all odds, we are here and almost with the life back, I am sure if the book makers in London had open a bet for my life, by now all the bookies would be losing money and probably I would be rich, Is almost six months since the doctors diagnosed the cancer, and also half year was their first and fortunately wrongly prediction for my live expectation.

If I have been OK, Justyna today was tired with all the stress and pressure she has above her shoulders, I need sometimes to focus more one her issues, and forget my disease. My problem turns me sometimes in somehow blind, like if would be the only person with problems. Even if Justyna never complains, what sometimes that silence is the problem, she deserves all my attention.

We been enjoying the winter days in Jane's house, the days looked so long now, and the nights even bigger. Big hug to Richard and Derick and have a peaceful trip to India.
And love for everyone

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Smiles for now


Finally I went to the Royal Free Hospital today to clarify about a small nodule it had grown in my beautiful scare, I thought it could be some clamp left inside from the operation, but the doctor from the Mr Fusai team told me to do not worry, as what I feel under the skin is just the stitch inside the body that sometimes takes longer to dissolve, the fact that I am under chemotherapy also does not help all the healing process. With the trip I had also opportunity to speak with doctor Fusai and he told me that I look great and he will wait to see me in December to decide the next stage. Meanwhile another doctor come around and again remind us how lucky I am, after such a complicated situation I look very well and the perspectives are good.

Evening we come to my friend Jane's house to have a evening in a different environment, just the fact of changing also brings fresh air, I am enjoying the quiet evening, only with computer and book.

Big kiss

Monday, November 10, 2008

Assuncao's bakery

A busy day that toke us firstly to Janes' house to have a great and majestic breakfast, of course I could not resist to the jams, chocolate croissants or wild fruits. This brought me back some memories of breakfasts in Portugal in parents house, They use to cook the best bread in the world what turned the meals, special the breakfast a unique experience.
But today with the lovely but sugary breakfast of course I needed to pay a price with the sugars in the blood, but once in a while I am sure I will be forbidden. The visit also was with the objective to say good bye to Jane as she goes in work to Chicago for a couple of weeks.
Afternoon we needed to run to view a house to rent, the price is OK but the size probably too small, so the decision it was not made yet, We will sleep on that.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Men of the house


This chemotherapy session has been taking me more down to the bed, For several days I only go out for a short time, I also have been with some pain in my abdomen, feeling the food struggling to do all the way down, even with help of the teas. Therefore, it is the women who leads the house and are the firefighters to extinguish all the small fires that tend to appear. Justyna is in the antipodes of that woman I met two years ago. That time she was very shy, difficultly she could decide anything by herself, very dependent from me, and immersed in lack of self believe. It is amazing to see how she behaves nowadays, she decides everything, she got all the initiatives, For example she is calling and is going to see the flats available to rent. And the small Olivia has already marked her personality, and then her options :)

Nice week

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Run for a life

So glad I feel today, Even more glad because the reason to be glad is because of myself. I went to a park close to home with my friends John & Maria and kids to relax and the small ones to play footy, But, the pleasure that took us to this green area was broken straight after our arriving by a barbaric situation. A big dog that was walking with is owner decided to catch another dog, small one, by its neck. When I saw that I could not believe, and the situation was enduring already for a couple of minutes, the owner of the aggressor dog was trying to pulling him away but without success and the owner of the victim was screaming and her daughter in shock. But of course I was around, and in a flash I realise it would be another case to be sorted by Helder, and I run intrepid to the spot provided with my arm, an umbrella. The run took me more time than some months ago would take me, but anyway enough to reach the place of the fight, or better of the subjugation of one dog by another one, and in a gesture of goodness with the weakest dog, I started to kick the bad dog's head with my umbrella transformed in a stick, This owner was surprise and upset with my attitude, even tried to stop me, but in the end after the last and my strongest struck it let the bad release the good one. The bad dog kept looking for confrontation, only the owner with the lead could dominate the beast. In the other hand the good dog looked in shook, was at least a live for sure, and the lady owner blessed me for my courage act. Definitely, the lost of my old and sentimental umbrella was worth with the dogs life.

Different words for my friend Ian & Renne that are celebrating Ian's birthday with a romantic trip to Paris, humm. Have a good time. And also a big kiss to Portugal for all the girls that are in an important friends meeting.

As you can see the title today match the title of my blog, Please take your conclusions :)

Friday, November 7, 2008

Big Sabbath

Weekend again, in front of my house I can see already the preparations for the big Saturday, the Sabbath, the religious day for the Jewish. In the area where I live, Stanford Hill, is famous for its big orthodox Jewish community. Although, it is a very close society, difficult even to share any eye contact with them, I cannot avoid to feel very respect and sympathetic for them. They normally have a numerous families, usually over five kids. From my window sometimes I spend so long time just observing the rituals of this traditional Jewish family. The kids always look so lovely, very well educated and they are a source of inspiration for me when I see them playing with each other. They always use games very old fashion, like big cars made from wood, strings, what I think it should be demanded from the Torah. Also, tomorrow morning I can see the kids outside reading energetically the Torah book.
Not only the kids are very sweet to parents but the parents shown always very tender with the kids and wherever they going always bring the kids along, like if they were permanently training the kids to be like them and therefore adults as soon as possible. Nevertheless, there are some issues like preponderance of the male that I am not sure if I agree.
Good bless all the religions

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Home on the sight


Today we had another issue that moved forward, The Council finally decided about our claim for house. Though the decision it was not in our favor, at least now we know that we need to move on and look for house by our self. Probably we will rent a house and only after apply for housing benefit, attending to our low incomes it should be given. Justyna started already the task of looking in the Net for our Palace, also Castles are in our cogitations.

Sao Martinho visited us, and I cooked some chestnuts in the oven to remind this old party that is part of my imaginary. Often I went to the queue in the Cellar close to home to buy the Agua Pé (new wine) that was part of the table in this day, as the chestnuts and the sweet potato.
Ate amanaha

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

It is not case for that!


So today, If it was still necessary I had the confirmation that the panorama I had few months ago have changed dramatically, and now we have right to believe in a good end. This send us back five months ago, That time they diagnosed me with this nasty tumor in the Pancreas spread to the Liver, and when I had to face the terrible news, the day after I started to be accompanied by the palliative and pain management team. This reflected their idea that the only thing they could interfere it was in the palliative care, to avoid me to have needless pains and to keep my moral up as possible. But I need to confess, probably because of some preconcepts I had in my mind I was terrified when the lovely and very professional doctor from the palliative team in the UCLH came to visit me for the first time. Even, Afterwards when I come home I kept having the regular visit or phone calls from a nurse from the Macmillan, an organization that supports people with Cancer.

But, after five months of fight, the nurse come home again, not only to share a cup of tea with us but overall to give me a news that brings more confidence to our home, According to the nurse she sees a fit man with a serious clinic program that aim to cure from the cancer, Then now on and for now, she does not see reason to follow so close my case.
Good night lovely people

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Life in the kitchen


A special event is marking the day, Yes, the elections in the USA, I hope this day will be a starting point that will bring new fresh air to our world. At least the expectations here in my home are big. To anticipate the new time of more fraternity that I hope Obama will bring with his term we are trying to cook more veg food than ever :) In this type of food Justyna is the Queen, I only can play my cards when fish is called to be cooked. The bacalhau that now I have in stock it will be my precious substance to practice my alchemist qualities.
The breakfast is our most important meal and I am back to the job in the kitchen as you see me pictured yesterday morning.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Fun back to my dictionary


I know that you missed the post in the morning :) Sorry, it was a very busy weekend, Probably we did not have a such intense and happy days for a long time. So, I decided to leave this lines for another time. The three days looked more as a unique long day. Surprisingly I felt with a lots of energy and good mood to enjoy the presence of my friends. Only Saturday I could not manage to keep in form all day. I was tired after lunch but I recovered in the evening. But Sunday, the sugars went back to the same levels as before the chemotherapy session and the sickness vanished, then I was free to enjoy a big set of pizzas with all the friends during lunch time. Pedro and Marisa join Patricia, Miguel, Daniela and Ruca and came around to Angel to spend the lunch with us. Even if London was freezing and very wet in the evening we could stay in Jane's house just cooking and enjoying a dinner in the company of Pedro and Celia. I think that the fact that I felt so happy and good regarding to the diabetes and cancer parameters, it must have an explanation, the love that the friends keep emulating me. Justyna told me that she has not seem so well for a long time.

I have a strong hope that the next two weeks, before the next session, I will be able to have a chance to have a good time and relax as this days.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Other way around

End of the month, last post of October, and consequently my bank account getting bigger. Yes, If you do not know this become my job, and not anymore the moment in the end of the day that I use to exorcise my devils and ghosts :)
If my life it still moored to this bed, for Justyna the World does not stop, She keeps triplicating her self to respond to all jobs that feel in her shoulders, and they are a lots due to the weakness of mines. At least I hope tomorrow I will feel stronger to enjoy the company of some dear friends that are arriving in London to visit us, Patricia, Miguel, Dani, Ruca, Pedro and Celia will be my welcome medicine for this weekend, Lovely.

In a time that in Portugal the people are complaining about the shortages of babies, the family Assuncao does not stop to increase, this year it has been very prolific, Now is Alexandra gave a birth to a beautiful Ruben, Congratulations for both. I will see you soon.