Friday, October 31, 2008

Other way around

End of the month, last post of October, and consequently my bank account getting bigger. Yes, If you do not know this become my job, and not anymore the moment in the end of the day that I use to exorcise my devils and ghosts :)
If my life it still moored to this bed, for Justyna the World does not stop, She keeps triplicating her self to respond to all jobs that feel in her shoulders, and they are a lots due to the weakness of mines. At least I hope tomorrow I will feel stronger to enjoy the company of some dear friends that are arriving in London to visit us, Patricia, Miguel, Dani, Ruca, Pedro and Celia will be my welcome medicine for this weekend, Lovely.

In a time that in Portugal the people are complaining about the shortages of babies, the family Assuncao does not stop to increase, this year it has been very prolific, Now is Alexandra gave a birth to a beautiful Ruben, Congratulations for both. I will see you soon.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

View from my bed

To reply to some demands here it goes one of my small drawings, Seriously this was not made by Olivia. This one is the view that I am enjoying big part of my day and of course night in my bedroom. What you see is what I can see from my position in bed.

The distortion perspective it could be affected by chemotherapy that I am undergo :)
This chemotherapy session it has been more difficult to past through, The bed has been bigger company this time than last session, I presume there is here the accumulation factor. Anyway there is nothing that the time will not bring to an end.
Please make sure you finished well the week

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Oliwka not as Mafalda


As you already have realized, when I do not have any idea of what to write and to tell you, I use the photo of my most precious thing, my love Oliwka. I would say she is my Joker :) This also because big part of my day it belongs to her. Today I was woke since around 4.00 AM and I could not wait to see her awoke, this was already 7.00 AM. This morning it was a unique moment, the snow was everywhere outside and Olivia was in a such a spirit, She just could not stop to laugh and looking for attention.

Today she had the opportunity to try her first meal, a soup superbly cooked by mum, I am sure this one even Mafalda Quino would liked. By the way another thing that must be reported is the fact that she already had her first incursion in the family of Nestum com Mel some days ago.

In opposition to Olivia, the father what found more hard to deal today, it was exactly with the food. I have been very sick, the food does not come out but is doing big pressure after the stomach, I think is where the strong anti sickness tablets that I am taking meant to be effective. Last session this sensation it was not so strong, but I hope it will not last for more than a week.

In other area, Housing, we went to an institution called Shelter to seek for some help to deal with the council, or whatever. The first approach did not leave a lot to wish.

Yet, last note to say thank you to Filipe and Claudia for the gift, I am enjoying the memorable album from Frank Sinatra and Carlos Jobim


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Fabulous white car

Ola everybody,

Here I am enjoying the first day of my hangover after the chemotherapy, It is not great but at least it is going according to my expectation already formed in the last and first session. The sleeping it is one of the things more affected, this overall because the huge component of steroids in the drugs and anti sickness. So I guess I should had managed to rest around two hours overnight but anyway it was enough to charge batteries for my day. I felt OK in the morning, probably more tired as usual but in a good mood. I spent the whole day at home eating and resting. Fortunately today it comeback some of appetite lost in the last days, in that way I seek to put some kilo lost meanwhile. One of the side effects that I am also learning how to cope is to deal with the lost of memory and ability to do deal with more or less complicated cognitive processes. I think at the moment the most complicated maths operation I can go it would be "1+1=11", Whoever can sorted out the "cubic formula" for me is a doctor, no a genius ! Anyway for the moment for the use of my daily routine I think the addition formula it is enough to survive. The Olivka is not complaining at least, I think we are at the same level.

In the other day somebody was telling with right that I did such a great job to fecund the lovely and gorgeous Olivia, that I become very sick. So now the Olivka also it will be my medicine to cure the problem :)

Splendid news my friends it has started to snow here in London since an hour ago, the night become very beautiful seen from indoors, the cars are already covered by a white blanket, It is also time to myself look for the comfort of my bed and catch up the dreams of Justyna already in a deep sleep.

Love for all

Monday, October 27, 2008

Chemotherapy-Session 2

Well, just now I got home, It has been a long weekend, extended until Monday. Unfortunately the same pain I felt in my back in Friday, came back in the Saturday night, Thus the family did not have any other option than goes again at 3.00AM to the Royal Free Hospital, and this time only the morphine can shut up the big pain in my back that I felt. For a while all the staff in emergency ward forgot about me and only wanted to see Olivia, or review from the day before, as I was admitted in the same block in the night before :) Through the night they carried out more testes, X-ray to my column, but again nothing it was found and the Kidneys, Liver were working OK. Sunday, I past all day and night in the Hospital, and by my own initiative I decided to throw to the bin all the pain killers that they were giving to me, in order to test if the pain would come back Sunday night, This decision it was in total secret with myself. In the case that I would feel the pain I would be already in the hospital, But for God it did not came, even if I was waiting for that.

Then, Monday morning the doctor agreed that I could go for my day two of chemotherapy without problems, and after comeback home with some strong pain killers for the case of the pain return.

By now the session is finished and I had my meal and now only bed.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

Both sides of the Moon

The last two days give us an opportunity to discover the both sides of the Moon, Yesterday I saw Dr. Tim Mayer in the Royal Free Hospital, the oncologist responsible for the Chemotherapy for the Neuroendocrines. This routine consulting was quick, just to confirm that the things are going fine, and my body is coping well with the chemotherapy, therefore should not be problem to continuous the treatment this Monday. This is only depending from the blood tests of the blood collected in the Morning. Afterwards, only time to run to the UCL Hospital to do the last collection of a seminal specimen. Finally and according to the responsible of the Fertility Department after three visits and three samples, the future should be safe. In good time to finalize our visit to the Town, we had met our friend Richard Kerr. Although, the tough time for all of us, the trio including Ian Small are in some way progressing positively since the last time we met and keeping in the good track. It was recharging for us to catch up with such a friend :)
But, in the afternoon, after back home, it was reserved an unexpectedly long evening. This night the other side of the Moon and darker decided to enlighten us. Suddenly without a warn a big pain took over of me. All the lower abdomen and the back fell in a big and unbearable pain. The pain killers could not work, as well as the food was vomited. I tried to stand still at home, but after few hours without manage the pain we took the right decision, at 2.00 AM we took a cab to the Accident and Emergency of the Royal Free Hospital. There, I was connected to the drip that infused the anti-sickness to avoid more vomiting and the necessary anti killers to bring down the pain. I need to confess that the time that the pain killers come inside the veins, it was my best moment, for sure at least until the visit to the Fertility department :)
The pain was worth after such a trip with the pain killers. That moment I could not think about the day of Tomorrow.
If the pain started to be controlled yet the checks carried out could not detected what was in the origin of such a pain. It would have explanation if the problem was in the Liver or Pancreas, but in the lower abdomen, the Chemotherapy's side effects did not mention anything about that. Also the X-Rays did not show any stones in Kidneys as that one it was also a possibility. Anyway, In the morning the pain was over and in the afternoon I had green light to come home.
Even if for now, I am OK, I feel that now on the things are not anymore the same, I am afraid of the pain comeback anytime and more cautions about the future.
But, it is remarkable the speed that I always respond to this setbacks and incidents that continuous happening to me, I think this only can be explained and also attest my willing to recover and live longer. I am not sure if I really love the life or is just my stubbornness, I do not want to give up in this fight.
Lovely weekend

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Relaxing time

If I tell you what I did in my day, for sure the ones who know me better will tell, This is not Helder. So, there it goes, The Morning I spent reading a book in between the breakfast and the lunch. The Afternoon I tried to go on with the Puzzle that I already initiated but duet of its high difficult grade I am stuck in the frame, But what most surprised me it was to see myself passing around five hours drawing and painting the landscape from my bed, Nothing very beautiful but it was very colourful and meticulous job. Though not planned certainly the disease is helping me to make me a more calm and sensitive man.

Although the Cancer that does not give me the quality of live that I was use to, I am compensating with other moments of joy that no other way I could experiment. I do not leave Olivia alone a minute, and I am enjoying some moments of pure peace and rest. Reading, writing, drawing, and chatting without timetable is great :) I thought before, I only could find the balance of my life with completely different things.

It was good to have a quite day as tomorrow I will be set for another busy day, I will be checked in the Royal Free Hospital how my body is coping with chemotherapy, I will need to do some blood testes and after speak with the oncologist. In the afternoon I will do another trip to the UCL Hospital to give more units of semen.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

#Love is the air#

Ola amigos,

Again, today I went to visit UCL Hospital to provide a few more units of my seminal specimen. This time because of Olivia came with us, Justyna could not follow me to the dormitory of the pleasures. Thus, the mechanism that I needed to use to complete successful the task was different than last time, Left alone in the room I used the old Portuguese technician invented by Nuno Alvares Pereira, the Square tactics, five fighting against one. To contribute to the success of the battle was a group of three young Asian ladies that come around in my dreams. Therefore the task become slightly easier.
As you could think that this post is going already long and rude, But I am sorry it has not finished yet. Just to tell that this time they were able to store four more units of my "morning specimen from a direct masturbation into a sterile container". This four units is additionally to the other six units that they managed to store in my last visit, two weeks ago.

In the afternoon and because the next session of chemotherapy is close, next Monday, me and Justyna decided also to enjoy the bless of the Olivia's resting, and the sky it was our limit :)

But after such a busy day, the warn come quick, sugars have dropped and I was shaking. This time instead of a biscuit I went for a magnificent Nestum com mel, such a long time I did not eat it.

Therefore, in five minutes I was fine.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Olá amigos :)

It was so quick but it is going already six months since Justyna woke me up complaining about some unusual water that was falling down from her legs, that put me in panic. What I was supposed to do I did not know, I remember that I went downstairs and even I forgot to switched off the alarm, waking up everybody with the unbearable noise. Anyway, the reason after excused me. The journey started very early around 7.00AM, and took us two times to the St. Marys Hospital. The first one at 8.00 they told Justyna that the dilation was very tiny and she should go home and wait for the contractions arrive, as it has not started yet. But once the way back to home those contractions started, so we stayed at home no more than an hour, Anyway there was time to go to Tesco. Probably it was there that all the scenery of a maternity increased, the contractions were already at each 5 minutes. I was thinking it would be good if Olivia decide to come in the giant Tesco, she might have nappies and food for free for the rest of her life :)

Then, in another trip, Rob took us by car to the Hospital. In the beginning the nurses were not very sure about the emergency of the case and sent her to a waiting room. After when the pain was unbearable somebody came to check and after screamed "The baby's head is here", put in panic all the ward and taking my heart beating to an unmeasurable velocity. After in one minute Justyna was back downstairs in the labour room ready for the big moment, at 16.50PM the time has arrived, and the moment that I will keep with me for the rest of my life has come, I was prepared to explode of such a happiness and the tears were washing all my face, as Justyna's. Probably Justyna's tears were also of pain. Olivia's movements were so funny, very coarse but impossible to do not loved. It is a shame that we cannot have more of this moments in our life, at least once a week :)

Since that singular moment a lot has passed under the bridge and much more is about to passing, but Olivia become the structure that keeps us going everyday with some direction. I want to contribute in what I can to her happiness, I believe, now even more with my problems, that all the kids got the right to be very happy, It is already enough the problems that we face after our youth.

Big kiss for all the babies, children and also Mums of this World

Monday, October 20, 2008

Happy Birthday

There we are! Another Justyna's birthday, I remember last one we were speaking about this day as the first birthday with another element, the welcome Oliwka, but in fact as nobody expected today there were not only Olivia, but also the disease that come inside our house without invitation and chasing us for any place we go. Nevertheless, though I have not been in the top of my form, we had a great day. We tried to replicate a normal day as we use to have often before the two elements of the family arrived, We went to the Tate Modern Gallery, not only to look in the works in exhibition but overall to sat in the big balcony with a majestic view over the Thames river. For the time Olivia allowed us, we could have our tea and read a book. Just a small thing but it means so much for us.

Justyna is the like a Sun that you can see in her background, In fact in the picture she dazzles the Sun. She naturally enlightens any life that have the luckiness to meet her, then you can imagine how much lucky is the person that shares her life. I really feel that I met a unique person for all the way of my life.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Look for my dream


With all going in the right track with me, I am felling stronger to follow more close Olivia's growth and spend time playing with her. Means, just now starting to have the full taste of a father. Most of the time when I am distract either with pain, brain intoxicated with sugars or just the ghost thoughts getting all the room of my brain, I confess because of all that and some selfishness I do not give all the cares and attention that a father should give to his kid, and this is so frustrating. Like if I wanted only or first of all to save my skin.

But fortunately now, due to the good days that I am passing through, full of positiveness, and the scars of the last surgery getting settled, I can give much more love, touch and even starting to take her in my arms, rather only the look and love by distance of some centimeters. I am just loving all this days. Today we witness another landmark, Olivka started to suck her toes, It was so funny to see. I cannot wait for what comes next.

Now is time to bed, tomorrow is a special day, our love Justyna is celebrating her birthday :)

Happy days

Saturday, October 18, 2008

No man's land


After such an enjoyable afternoon I could not resist to come here and share with you the good time away from London. As planned we all, with Shuby driving went out for a trip around the country, in Berkshire. It was great to see all the beauty typical from the English country side, the picturesque villages and see a different pattern of lives that fits perfectly in the landscape. And of course to feel the spirit of the area we went to a charismatic Pub that you find always in each village. It was the opportunity to relax with a cup of tea and to update our chat.

This courses gives always the chance to look for the immensity of the fields and witness the the fields full of different animals, such as horses, sheep, cows. And of course mixed up with the Autumn colours of its trees and flowers. This make me and Justyna to imagine our future :) The original dream it belonged to Justyna, but I confess nowadays is also already part of my imaginary to have a field and a small country side house, where we can create our own chicken, pigs and other different animals. If with Justyna it is normal, as she brought up in the middle of the field, yet for me is something that only arose in the last time. So, to conquer our dream, we just need to find some piece of land in the middle of nowhere, If somebody know, please ring the bell.

The evening only finished with a marvellous Indian dinner in my marvellous friend Shuby's house. It was splendid to spend all day with Shuby, Rayan and their sweet Taze.


Niech zyja nam !!! :)

Saturday morning, It has been so busy already this early morning, We are preparing to go out to meet with our friend Shuby, She will take us for a trip in the country. Luckily the Sun keeps shinning opening the perspective for another great weekend.

Yesterday I had the confirmation that Olivka is official our co-citizen, the Embassy told us that her birth is now register in Portugal and she has the Portuguese nationality. I hope my love will forgive me for that :) Now on we just need to manage few more documents and she can start to travel with us. Of course also when I will be allowed.

Nevertheless, today is marked for an event in different part of the world, where before were the iron curtain separating the natural relations with between men and women of the World, the same men and women are gathering to celebrate the most special day of our friends Kasia and Rafi. Zagorow in Poland for a day is the capital of the party in the wielkopolska. Justyna and Me cannot be present in the wedding of our friends for evident reasons but we are present within our mind and hearts, We wish all the best for this day and for future. We hope to be already present to celebrate the built of your mansion in your endless land now bought it.
Lovely weekend for all Men and Women in East and West part of the World.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Poor clown

Oi pessoal,
I confess that the time I most love during the day is its night, The night is the period of the day that I forget about all the problems and also the pain rests. To attest this, last night I went to bed with discomfort pain in the abdomen and in the back, plus the chronic migraine, But by a stroke of magic all that ABC (Abdomen, Back, Chronic migraine) pain disappeared by morning. All day I felt release from any kind anguish or suffering.
After Lunch we decided to go out, as I had been at home the days before, and also the weather looked more friendly today, Thus, we went to have a dinner with Pajo and Miriam, it was another opportunity to experiment and taste the culinary skills of Pajo. And again the chef past in the exam with distinction.
Shame that a joke that I work out this morning in the shower it revealed a failure, nobody found funny. It was the confirmation, I will never reach the rich clown.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Alexandre the Great

Well , this was a day that I spent at home, actually all the family was at home. The weather did not encourage us to go out, it was very dark, The Sun was also very lazy, did not wake up. I was very bored today, some pain in the abdomen and in my back did not help. The discomfort was distracted by the Olivia's laugh and with the exercise of the Puzzle.

There is one person in Portugal that I know is very worried and is always sending me a lot of positive energy, it is my God Son, Alexandre. I cannot see the time to be close to him, to give a kiss and tell him that everything will gonna be alright.
hugs and kisses for all

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Is our life real?


Morning took me again to my duty, at 8.15 I was in the Royal Free Hospital, to scan my back. Also as usual I needed to wait more then half an hour for the appointment, because the scanning that was waiting for me it was only run by a specific staff that would come later, Is already usual to be treated as a special case, wherever I go.
The specialist of that machine looked and looked again in my back, but the prominence in the left inside of my back apparently is something superficial, in the muscles, nothing internal. This confirms what the doctor Fasai advanced before. This question it was something that worried me very much when it appeared few weeks ago, but now is time to bury this worry. I suspect that problem it might be related with the long time I been passing in bed, either in Hospital or at Home.

I think I need to leave the back pain for another time, for now there is others priorities, as the Liver, but I will get back to the Back.
Afterwards, to change the spirit I went for a Meditation class. In good time I accepted the invitation from Shehana to go to this Buddhist temple and enjoy a serene evening. The session past so quick, what shows how much I took pleasure of the 2 hours class. Probably it should have more time allocated to meditation, But for other side, only in that way we could spend more time to discussing metaphysics issues. Does anything exist? Is anything only the projection of our mind? All interesting stuff.
This leads to idea if it is real that my body is terrible ill. If my mind could reserve some distance from my own body probably some suffering and anxiety can be reduced.Though the pain can be more controlled. This is what Budd says but it still a long way to my mind trust in that.
PS: Just let me go back to the picture from yesterday, the author of the urban exhibition was Oliver Bishop-Young. I love so much the idea, that I would like to share his other works in the subject. Just click:

Monday, October 13, 2008

The puzzle

Monday at home it was my proposal for beginning of the week. And to help the time move without any alarm I took in order the advise from Susana, I will challenge myself with a Puzzle. The pieces that promise to break my patience are completing the portrait of "Lady with Fan" from Gustav Klimt. I will try to see if it works, and whether or not I will relaxed during my free time. One thing that I would love to do is to draw or paint something but my aptitude for that is inexistent, unless I would tend to go for the extra-extra new modernism style, where everything is tolerated, I will be the person who will draw the limits. By the way, in the other day I was passing close to Oxford street and I found an absolutely rubbish amazing piece of Art. I really loved the idea to use an old skip, after been used as a container for waste, was converted into a small fountain with some plants to finish its decoration, borrowing a more ecological face to the area. I do not remember the author but it was five stars.
Now I need to go to bed, tomorrow we must be in the Royal Free Hospital at 8.00 a.m. for another scanning.
So, see you tomorrow :)
Congratulations, and wish you a great day Sandra

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Active resting

Yesterday I was speaking about the break that we all deserved, and today I had all signs telling me that, as all the manifestations of the Cancer and the diabetes decided to gave me some truce. All my energies and mood were on the top, I also suspect that this reasonable physical condition for a person under chemotherapy is related with the real Summer days that invaded London, It maybe a vice cycle, Better weather boosts also the mood and consequently the healthy condition. So lets pray that the Summer goes through the Winter.
The energies toke me to where I like to stay, to the Park. Today I preferred to go alone, and then wait for Justyna, and Jane that join us. It was probably the best 15 minutes in the last weeks, I stood close to one of gates of the Springfield park, just looking to what was going on in front of me, the Sun on the top was playing the principal role in all the that scenery. The brightness was so intense, that it looked I was in another place, such as Portugal. I positioned in a particular place, willing to watch a football match that was been playing in one square of the extensive park. All the screams and frustrations of the players made me remember some years ago, when I was playing also footy with friends, back in Portugal. The difference here is the friends players are more understandable for each other, for example there was one guy that kept missing goals in front the goal, This factor in Portugal it would be a reason to lead to his straight expulsion from the field, unless would be the owner of the ball.

From my strategic position I was able to following all the lives in that enormous field transformed in a big playground and giant place of dreams. Of course as in all the movies the devil was present and tempting me, personified by a an Ice Cream caravan, that was repeating its silly rings to attract the customers, and apparently resulted, there was a big queue. The business I am sure went very well as either for a small restaurant in the other side. People spread around the esplanade and were taking their teas or irresistible fish & chips, So as you can imagine the smell of food was everywhere.

But fortunately from all that sensations that my body was been applied it kept more focus in the visual, The incredible sightseeing, The couples and the children playing around, the dog going to take a piece of wood and bring thousands times to his stupid owner, took all my eyes and attentions. I love to see other people happy. Even if what was not enough, the clear sky was only crossed by several planes that with effect of the sun in it turn it as a stars visible in the day.

PS: picture with a year

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Team work

With all the chemotherapy in its cruise velocity, though far from realising all the collateral damages, but for now with myself coping and living with some quality of life, we discuss together as a family and been decided that the Mums' cares should be shared with my sister and father in Portugal. It is not easy to them living without the anchor of the family. She can bring more stability and calmness to the rest of the family in the Algarve, at this time, the news are more encouraging here in London.

For now I think we all deserved a small break. It has been hard time and even more hard work that we past through so far. The nightmare maybe in some point faraway from the end, but we all deserved Congratulations for the strengths and support that we all showed to each other. Here is including all my friends and no friends.
Therefore we all went to the airport in the Mikes car driven by Rob to say good bye to mum. Apparently she left London with a unseasonably warm weather to go to the Algarve, this with a unseasonable tempest weather, There it is another proof of the climate change.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to take advantage of another warm day in London, it has been announced 21 degrees :):)

Friday, October 10, 2008

A perfect day


Happy for the 'No pain' gave me the Good Mornings today at the woke up. I decided to return dressing my new set of clothes, the occasion deserved, I was going to an appointment in the Hospital. I was very calm all the early morning, we enjoyed a quick but a family breakfast. Even the trip by train to the Royal Free Hospital was a green sightseeing experience that I decided to do not skip this time. The North of London it has places really high top class to live, but also not cheap.

Thus, in a distance of 30 minutes, me, Justyna, Olivia and Mummy we were inside the Hospital waiting for the appointment with doctor Caplin. It is the doctor that I saw in the first appointment in the Royal Free Hospital when finally all started to move, He is the decision maker, He decides either to sent me to the surgeon or to the chemotherapy department. Dr Martyn Caplin is the Head of the NETs-Neuroendocrine in The Hospital. The appointment was planned to 11.00 but it only happened at 13.00, the English punctuality is excused this time by the the extra time and attention that this doctor spends with patients. And of course there is cases inside the consulting room that the time cannot be taken in account by the human face of the doctor.

Nevertheless, close to the appointment I could not avoid some anxiety having built up already in my nervous system, I needed to stand up and doing some shorts walks around the corridors to ease my nervous. It was also the way to find some helpful brochures about the NEts disease and some help and care information that I might gonna need. But finally my time came, I think I was the last patient of the day but the waiting was worth. The doctor transmitted me again a very good impression about himself as a professional.

The doctor looked in the scanning of the last week, and said with the smile It is all good news, leaving me and Justyna even with a bigger smile, personally it is difficult to express the mismatch of this smile and the disproportionally happiness that I felt inside, somewhere in the soul. The reason is the Liver presents the some condition as before, more or less the some number and size of metastases, escaped from the tumour in the Pancreas. The fact that the metastases did not expanded or extended to other places is great news, or encouraging news by the doctors words. Probably I can start to trust more in this Cancer, my words:)

Also as good news, the last week and updated scanning showed a shorter but lively and healthy pancreas now released from the Tumour by the operation. He confirmed the lack of sensibility in the Pancreas area that I have been feeling is normal and is due to the section of nervous tissue.

The doctor revealed us that the plan now is to carry on with this three sessions of chemotherapy, two ahead and then in the next appointment in 12 of December decide either go to the surgery to remove part of Liver or to do more three sessions of chemotherapy. But I read from his words that is more likely to expect six sessions of chemotherapy before the operation.

Almost in the end of the appointment, and in an answer of a question, I had another important information, At the time of the next operation, the Liver (part) will not come out alone, also the Gall Blander will come out together. This because, this very small organ is very close to the Liver, so, we cannot afford to take risks and leave some fuse inside for the future.

Well, I was thinking, slowly they are taking everything inside of my body, firstly it was the Spline and the tale of Pancreas, now half of Liver and Gall Bladder. At least it serves as a consolation, must of the things, Spline, Gall Bladder, part of the Pancreas, part of the liver, they are not extremely necessary, so probably they are building up a more efficient man, with less mass and then more mobile.

Afterwards, as a kind of a celebration all the family went for a nice lunch out and a lovely walk in the Park. Back home some friends came to visit us and helping to ended up a what I called a Perfect Day.

Lovely weekend

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Spare time for free


Yesterday when I went to bed I was afraid of today's morning, this because of the pain that I was feeling that was distressing me. But in the morning the pain in the abdomen was much more soft and almost neglecting. Thus, it was an easy day, but quite long. I had opportunity to go outside for a short walk, bearing in mind to dress very warm cloths to avoid the cold.

Something that I need to think more is what to do in my free time, to do not feel the days so long. If Olivia is always big part of my day but there is days that reading books or watch movies does not fits in the best exercise to keep my mind out of the bad thoughts. I will think about...

Love for all

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hard worker

The morning delighted us with such a beautiful sunshine, In our way to the UCL Hospital myself decided to just enjoy and contemplate the view that an upper deck of a London bus always can offer for just 1£ ticket. And today the value was definitely worth. From the seat even if not in a window seat I could notice the progression of the Autumn in the city. The 45 degrees shadows cannot be mistaken, the festival season has gone. And the trees with a different composition, the yellow and pallid green starts to take over of the each branch of the tree. Since ever the arriving of the Autumn has a very strong effect in my mind, It means the start of new life without commitment with the year before, If not, It is now that the school starts, the normal pattern backs to the works, the most of the cinemas come out waiting to explore the Christmas and also now the chemotherapy starts to be effective.

Therefore the relaxed way it showed providential as the supreme aim of the trip. I was not alone, I was carrying one with me somewhere close to my pockets not only my bus pass but also few millions of sperm specimens that I voluntary wanted to keep and store in a freezer shelf for the future. When we arrived in the Fertilization centre my best dreams and fetishes dropped straight to the floor, instead of an idyllic place where your mind with be permanently solicited by sexy and images of the sin, it was a small place in the lower ground floor with a sterile tiny area to wait and a also a very bright narrow long corridor that would take you to the main room where the patient got their own interview with the staff. In between was hidden the rooms of the sacred pleasure.

But lets take this by stages, the interview it would be dramatic and surreal for a common person, but I admit that nowadays nothing is surprising me anymore. Thus, I faced a story that I would have read in a newspaper some years ago. I agreed for the conditions of the storage, the aims going further than just keep and have the ability to reproduce in vitro a new human being but overall to give permission to my partner to manage the deposit after my death. This is something that we never discuss and there is no need.

After the long paper work, started the best part, I was called to the depraved pleasures room. I was with all the appetite before I got inside, And to make sure that there will not be a problem I ask to the doctor if my wife could accompany me for such a job, He said: yes of course, without any smile (professional people). So we dived together in the room. But, when I got in I felt very disappointed, the place looked like just a toilet converted to a sperm donation room. I was so angry. Such a place should deserved a more attention and money from the authorities. I had sensation of misplaced, In the small room the light were so strong that would dazzled the best try to explore our wonderful brain and the white walls naked of any illusion to the pleasure did not allowed me to forget all the plastic situation that we were facing. I would say they only worried about the functionality rather than the selfishness pleasure. There were two plain chairs wrapped in a long toilet paper, bin and a sink to finish the performances.

After some co-work I ended up with my generous donation in a small bottle, that I handled to the doctor. Afterwards I was guided to a blood collection award to be taken a sample and tested to HIV and other forms of Hepatitis. Finally I went back to the Lower ground floor to discuss the quality of the sample, already monitored and studied in the microscopy. The good news is the fertile sperm is still in reasonable proportion, half of a normal person, something as 10.000 per 1 millilitre, and they still move OK, but again slower than a normal person. The bad news is that I still need to go back to the Fertility centre, because they store 6 units and they want to store for 5 years 8 units.

Today it was the good morning that turns in a bad afternoon, In the afternoon started some pain in my abdomen, around Liver, Pancreas and Stomach. For now I will wait for Friday to speak with Dr Keplin, This might be symptoms of the chemotherapy.
Kisses from the size of the World

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Sugar against sugar


Luckily sometimes when the day arise we do not know what it will be there in the end of the cycle. At least this should be the consolation of somebody that woke up with a perspective of not having a brilliant day. The right to hope and dream that the course of the day bring something unexpected that turns the face of just another day.

Thus, with the excuse of the Miriam's Birthday, the evening did me a surprise and brought me few friends around my bedroom, We cooked, we laughed, we chatted, we ate. All evening I felt warmed by Miriam and our friends. And today I decided to contra attack, fed up of been so much under attack by the sugars I felt courageous to face them face to face. Then, I did not decline to eat a nice Portuguese and French cheese and an Apple cake backed by Miriam. I am sure in that way sometimes the Glucose will feel also more respect for me, They will think he is a stronger fighter then expected.

Congratulations dear Miriam

Monday, October 6, 2008

REM conscious vice

Ola meus amigos,

Physically I am feeling almost the same Helder as the one before the chemotherapy. Of course a long time ago a stronger and self-confident Helder that you all knew was left behind. After the sugars stood in the stratosphere and when I was already thinking that bloody glucose never would face the Earth again, only a massive injection of insulin in my body yesterday and today brought some rest and tranquillity. The doctors reassured me today that this erratic behave of the sugars is completely normal for a diabetic person in chemotherapy. Several drugs and anti-sickness are composed of steroids and they are key for this Molotov bomb of sugary, thus needs to be balanced until the end of the chemotherapy sessions.

My biggest fear is to loose the physical ability as long as the drugs are attacking and reducing the white cells in the blood, opening a bigger window to catch some inopportune diseases. For now, any signs of odder cough or deepest sneeze are rapidly tackled with one of my extensive collection of teas, But not only. The heart burning I am responding with fennel, cough with lemon & garlic, diarrhea with porridge and for constipation, Doctor Bayer has the butternut milk. If physical I am coping, mentality it has been hard to keep focus in only my serious problems, Pancreas & Liver. There are some issues with people that I love that are not helping me to calm and just dream.
see u in the next dream

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Love Boat

This Sunday was reserved for a test of love and solidarity in between the family, when the winds are around London, the storms did not want to give mercy in the Algarve. My sister has also another issue to sort out and I am sure she will deal it in the best way. Thus, the peaceful Algarve has been overtaken by an unexpected but strong wind and the waves are weeping all the shore. It is demanding from all of us the best moral and confidence as we can unite in order to take this boat to safer waters.
Nobody can vacillate in their duties, by my commands.

Thus, all the family were in the bed, I was rowing for my side, looking for some balance, as the high sugars always was threatening the boat to bend and collapse, with the big responsibility of transporting all the family, essential the small defenceless Olivia. In this Love Boat my mum was lying in the other extreme, she was controlling the communications with the extended family in the Algarve, She, enormous as usual was giving the best words and advises to my sister in the Algarve and keeping the control in their row. Even with all this manoeuvres she always kept her Bible and Rosario in hands to ask for divine help, Help that I do not neglect to strength our moral.

While Me and Mum set in the extreme, Justa was set in the middle of the bed, reading some guides maps, and newspapers I suppose that would be helpful later on, shame that I cannot understand polish language. But, she was giving a sweet and fraternal look to my mum or to me when it was necessary and keeping Olivia in her heroics hands.
Of course Olivia was positioned in the most protected place of the boat, almost immune to any big wave that appeared from no where. Though she is always in our front sight, She is the most precious thing that we have.

Good Night

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Little effort

Hello dear World,

I am trying to keep my position of relaxation meanwhile the boat follows in its smoothly automatic pilot, At the moment the only serious winds that I am worried is regarding to the Hyper level of my blood sugars, They are constantly and dangerously high. To this winds do not become a terrible hurricane I am slightly increasing the amount of insulin that I am administrating to myself, But for now this does not look enough, so, I hope to see next week some advise from the diabetes team. I guess that most of the tiredness that I am passing through it might be more because of that quantity of sugar that is available in my blood that is not absorbed by my organism rather than the pure effect of the chemotherapy. Nevertheless, I am trying to keep calm and think in the beautiful things that I am missing and for them become again reality to my feelings I need to generously submit to this colossal effort.

With all this extra time, as you can imagine there is plenty left to think about everything and nothing, In my state of mind the naives and surrealistic thoughts are founding the best field to grow, I hope you will forgive me that weakness. I heard that current leaders of the world are just about to splash loads of millions in a decrepit financial system which beneficiaries will be always the same ones. I will scream from here with all the my energies left, Is it possible to spend all that millions in a World where the Word, War and Disease could be replaced by love and brotherhood. Unfortunately this is also about money.
Thank you

Friday, October 3, 2008

Dilemma on the table


Again me in the second morning after starting chemotherapy. For now what I am missing is a good night sleep, I had been warned already in the hospital for the prospective of get very shorts sleeps, this because of the influence of steroids meanwhile spread out trough all the corners of my body. I suppose a steroid for a day would be equivalent to a few dozens of espresso :) The other thing that disturbs my sleepiness is the fight that sometimes turns in battle, between the expected nausea or sickness and the opposite effect given by the anti-sickness tablets that retains the food inside but not relief the gases and contractions of the all area between my throat and my stomach. The worst it was the first night, when I went to bed I felt my head going around, for a moment I thought should I put one foot out of the bed to stop that unstoppable circular movement of my bed, or maybe my head :)

Accumulating to this is now the erratic behave of the sugar levels, I got before the treatment 100% controlled now is sem% controlled, This brings extra challenge to my diet, because a Cancer patient should eat a lot of Carbohydrates, in order to keep the weight and energies, but my diabetic condition and within sugars out on control advises me some moderation in fatty and sugary food.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Royal Free Hospital to take the first picture to see the updated state of all my organs, essential from whom we are more concern, Liver and Pancreas. This shots should be our term of comparison in the term of the treatment.

In the day I come home from the first session of Chemotherapy I was so glad to see so many comments in my blog, some of them from lovely friends for now unknown that are passing for the same, For them I want to send a big hug full of love and positiveness, I do not have any doubts that soon we will meet each other and share our stories. Another big and eternal thank you to you, Laurinda Alves, for your words about me and my blog. It had such a stimulated effect in busting my ego and confidence in order to keep standing and fighting to whatever is coming. Kisses also to you Maria Manuela Esteves for this beautiful surprise.

I will leave the link to Laurinda Alves' Blog:

For the English friends I will help with a translation of her flattering words about me.

"The run for a life, is a title of the blog that touch me today, and deeply inspired me. It touched me for its truthful, for intimate and for the reality of a man that I do not know, that become a father. And had been diagnosed with terrible cancer. Helder started today his chemotherapy treatment. He is Portuguese and lives in London, reason why he writes in English in his blog. The friends are leaving messages in Portuguese and giving support for all the way. It impressed me everything he tells in the blog. And overall the way he reports his must intimate things. Sacred"

Big Kiss

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Chemotherapy-Session 1

Ola Bom dia.

What I did not expect in the first Chemotherapy hangover day is to be betrayed by the energy that feeds the Wireless of my computer at home. Come on, it would be more reasonable to find my self without energy but, be let it down by the electricity is completely not understandable. In this World the Human Race still the strongest link. So, with this I found excuse to go to bed earlier and not posted nothing here. Just now come an idea to my mind, it might had been a divine intervention, telling me tonight you must go to bed earlier.

Yesterday, in the verge to start a busy day in the Hospital, I woke very happy or better already drugged but by the adrenaline and whatever other hormones, This was even more surprisingly for me as I was fasting since the night before. The fasting of food and drinks was due to a blood testes to check the Hormones profile. The regular check of hormones is related to the fact that the Neuroendocrine is a Cancer born with a degeneration of some hormones. Therefore, I presented in the Hospital at around 8.15 in the Royal Free to give the last kick-off in the undesirable hosts of my Liver. But the biggest time come around 10.00 when I walked through the Chemotherapy suite, as they called. I climbed a long not very pronounced ramp, with some small rooms on the sides, and ended up in a big room full of light, it looked like Heaven, at least as I like to imagine it. Sunlight coming from all the windows, an adequate classical music that spread quietly but reinvigorating through all the big room. The Hall was full of people, I could see few getting massages to relax, Impressive lively space. I hope Justyna will not read this bit, but the good atmosphere that we found was also helped because the massive presence of Ladies in the ward, Apparently Wednesday is the day were the biggest percentage of patients are women with Brest Cancer. I liked to see, they looked so supportive for each other.

Wherever you go around there was always a smile and a Good Morning with eye contact (here there is no room for that English cliches "I am not too bad" or "I am fantastic", I presume the nurses would kill you if commit that offend and tell something like that :)

The ceremonial in the Chemo ward started with the remembering of why I was there (what I was not pretty sure), if I was aware of all the side effects. After all my agreements I was ready to be inserted the drip in my veins, something that I suppose the veins were excited and could not wait to swallow all the chemicals and transport it to the right place. Probably I also need to instruct them were I want all the chemicals :) I am trying to bend my body, also sleep to the right inside, the Liver side :) There are tricks that one day I will announce to the Medics World.

In the beginning it was given to me a first strong anti-sickness to avoid vomiting, nausea and lack of appetite. But there is not "Bela sem senao"(all has a collateral effect), because, true avoids me to feel sick but make my sugar levels climbed to the top, not giving mercy to my diabetes and then bringing all the headaches. The phenomena happens because this anti-sickness are very reach in steroids what has also sugars.

In the middle of my long shift I had time to taste a lovely meal made of pasta and seafood, that Justyna brought me from downstairs. It taste so good and special I want to think it was also because of the mixing of the Metal taste that this treatment brings up :)

But the afternoon when we were looking for some distraction, to divert my sight from the perfusion of drugs that were been setting for me, I committed an infant mistake, unforgivable one, I packed a movie to watch but I did not realised that the case was empty of CD, I still hope that the drugs would be more reliable than me :) After this course accident I adopted a more prosaic attitude, just relax, listening the beautiful music that surrounded us and just contemplating the moment, within the company of my friend Sun stalking in my left inside already in its setting moment . The anguish mixed with quietness and loneliness could also be refreshing and energetic.

By the time of the last drug the day become almost night, it was almost 7.30 pm. I been left already alone in all award, only it was around a very lovely nurse, that needed to extend also his shift because of me. He was not so busy then he could spent some time with me explaining more details about the function of all the process. I been thinking I also should be paid by my long 10 hours shift in Hospital :) I need to complain to the UPC (Union of patients with Cancer)

But fortunately like everything pleasant the unpleasant has also is time to finish, and that time came. My lovely friend Veena, a friend that belongs to the World, come in the end of the day by her car to pick me up and gave me a providential lift until home. Thank you and Congratulations for your birthday day, A lots of kisses from us.

Getting home it was like if I have been playing football all day, tired and with heavy legs, shame to do not know the score right now. To finish in the best way, me and Justyna went for a small walk, it was already 11pm, to refresh, not to freezing, and to keep my tradition. I am trying to do a small walks all evenings mainly after the dinner to help me digesting. Finally the last thing before bed it was to have a shower. In the end of the my cleaning I was in panic I found one single hair out, in my towel. Should I be already worried or not? :)

This morning I am feeling OK, over my expectations so far. Let us wait.

Big kiss