Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Wait & Watch

Well I hope this night will bring some rest and good thoughts to help me to wake up tomorrow ready to start the first day of chemotherapy with all my strengths, I need to start shrinking whatever intrusion is in the Liver already with my mind. I spent all day at home, relaxing, I could not avoid some nervous, shaking of my shoulders. My mum also arrived this afternoon from Portugal to be again with us for this stage.
The last thing I did it was to organise a bunch of films and magazines to accompany me to the Hospital tomorrow. All this depends how does the process will flows.
Big kiss

Monday, September 29, 2008

Playing with sugars

In the edge to start the treatment I am feeling slightly nervous, probably scare of the unknown, all day I have been with painful headaches. The sugars keeps running all the spectre, in minutes it could go from one extreme to the other one. This causes me anxiety and lost of control in my emotions.

Additionally now I discovered a way to force the sugars coming down, I just need to work out how to avoid hypoglycemia, So the secret to bring it down is getting a lovely exercise with my Justyna, In that way in the end of such a interaction I just need to gift myself with a biscuit. Now on my orgasm is presented with biscuit that offers a lots of sugars to my blood circulation to balance all the energies burst in such a intimate act.

I been doing some calculations, and I presume the sexual act should be equivalent to a 15 units of Insulin.
Have a lovely time
PS: Sorry for the content

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Day out of London II

Again we took advantage of the Indian Summer that been around and outside London to have another trip to the countryside, this time we went to North of London to visit our friends Ian & Renee. Both are still the same friends that we met in the UCL Hospital, friendly, intense love for live, They mean so much for us, they are also part of our family. It was the best way to finish our weekend before we start all the preparations and getting ready for the "Cold Winter". Thank you so much for the day.
Have a lovely week

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Day out of London


In the first day of my trip in the automatic pilot we decided to have a scale in the other English Riviera, Brighton. Unpredictable some days ago, even for me in this blog, the sun was shining all day allowing me to make some comparisons with the Summer in Portugal, with this you can see how good it was the day. I have been waiting for a year to see the seacoast, and today it was brilliant to have a contact with glacier water in the beach but overall to smell the sea and look to the horizon. This days out of home it is true that are longer but leave me more out of the same routine and almost make me forget the pains and the bad thoughts.
We went with Kaska, Rafi and Phil and together we played some games and walked around the city, It was a funny day. The First and probably the last day of the Summer for us.
Ate amanha in another scale
PS: The picture is in the Algarve not in Brighton

Friday, September 26, 2008

In automatic pilot

How I missed to have a morning like this, woke up full of energy. I managed to do a lot of things, essentially I felt more glad to be able to help Justyna to get ready with all the stuff to go to the Royal Free Hospital. For a while I thought it was not me who went for an operation few weeks ago. I think this mood was due to the adrenaline accumulated with the perspective of meeting doctor Tim Mayer today and make another step forward.

We arrived in the waiting room for the appointment relatively early, and if in the beginning I was calm and moderated optimistic, soon as the time flew, my anxiety and nervous also grew. We were waiting probably two hours to see the doctors and only Olivia could distracted me and take out my eyes from other patients that were waiting as well. Must of the men and women, brothers of this fight looked so weak, sometimes when the nurses asked them just to stand up to check their weight they presented so fragile almost as a Human body made of porcelain.

Only Olivia took us out from the anonymity, as she was the star, all the people and even the doctors always wanted to look on her and always returned with a lovely word.

The long waiting was only interrupted by a building site worker that was passing systematically in the way to his work, that apparently should be close. It was funny to see that man, he was bringing all the time some normality to the tension waiting.

Only after all that waiting finally I was called by the doctor, For my surprise it was not Dr Tim Meyer, but one of his registers that received us, Dr Roopindez Gillmore, fortunately after I realised how lucky we were, She was very friendly and looked a very good professional, Later we met Dr Meyer and he showed a more reserved and distant person. Therefore it was this lady doctor that for an hour explained what will gonna happen next, and how we can prepare for the cold winter that is near by. She was honest and put all the issues on the top of the table, and at this moment it is what I want, I do not want to have illusions. Of course I was scare when I notice that she was starting a serious speech and I did not know how she will finish her discourse. In the end all the strategy to tackle the Cancer is what we were expecting, They found that would be better starting to do some chemotherapy and only after consider the option of a section of part of the liver. Unfortunately this process of chemotherapy as she said cannot guarantee the shrink of the Neouroendocrine, even if there is good chances. If the result would be positive as we all are since now crossing our fingers, only after I will have an operation of the Liver. However this is a very open and flexible process, because if after the first cycle of Chemotherapy it did not work I might go for another cycle, but also if it works I could have an operation, and another chemotherapy after and again another operation. So, there is the spectre of doing more than one operation to the Liver, Really I do not mind as far I will get some quality of life in the end.

All this will start already next week, because of my claim, I want to go through this as soon as possible, I said to the doctor, Thus, next Wednesday I will have a chemotherapy suite waiting for me in the 4th floor of the Hospital, I will be admitted at 10.00Am, firstly I will have a lots of anti-sickness pills, water and only after will start the first battery of chemicals. And the sessions will finish at 5pm. The program is to repeat the four sessions at all three weeks. Next week I should do a CT scan to know from where we are starting and in the end, around December I will have another scan to compare and asses the evolution. The session is compose by a combination of three main drugs, Fluorouracil (5FU), Streptozocin (Zanosar) and Cisplantin. The chat with the doctor was centralize more in the side effects, she told us that I need to be prepared for that. The mains is:

Sickness, as nausea or vomiting;
Disrupting in the kidneys;
Shaking of hands;
Changes in the hearing;
also lowered resistance to infections;
Loss of appetite;
Risk of blood clots;
Sore mouth and ulcers;
Tiredness and feeling weak;

Unfortunately the list is longer, I only would added two more.
The hair loss looks like there is no sure to happen, it may thin but maybe I will not be completely bald.

Probably the most important issue for me is the Fertility, it is likely that this treatments could affect it permanently. Thus, in order to give one day a brother to Olivia, next week I will go to a bank of sperm to deposit some of the precious liquid. By the way I might need to appeal to my magazine Gina nr 2769 to relaxed me at this moment of self satisfaction :)

So, I have three months in front of me that I just need to take it easy, dress warmer as possible to avoid flues and colds, I am thinking to set the automatic pilot during this time,
I will see you around

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Winds of new season

At last again a day that brought me more light than darkness, After been so stressful last week, full of pessimism and morbid thoughts this Thursday had a much more human and friendly face. The hope that increased in our spirits is because, instead of being under the dictatorship of the sugars, the glucose behaved more normal and controlled, like some weeks ago. Thus, for the first day I did not find myself strangling with headaches and tiredness. It released me to enjoy a higher quality of day, We could walk around and read more, and of course just relax and take the last spells of sun in the park. Even the day paid me with the bonus of a lovely Polish dinner superbly cooked by Rafi & Kaska, though only was missing the potatoes :)

In the Business, also something moved on, we had the confirmation of an appointment with the Oncologist responsible for the chemotherapy for tomorrow morning, The next stage is getting closer, tackling the liver, the filter and the storing organ by its nature. I just know that I will have the drugs for at least three months, all the other details I will be informed tomorrow. The Surgeon did not want to advance whatever, as he would be the person responsible for the hardware, the open and cutting stuff and the Oncologist as the responsible for the Software knows about the therapy and the pills. Therefore I hope, next week I would start the sessions.

My last wish is that sessions lasting until the evenings, in that way I still can managed to go back to the clubs in Soho, imagine it will not be necessary to have any alcohol or pills to have the rave spirit. It will be all stones for free:) Luckily I will have the Saturdays mornings to my hangovers

Ate amanha

Smile shining

After a long night of fighting against a low levels of sugars, only after several hours the glucose in the blood stabilise letting me to sleep and rest, The morning arrived and with that I felt more relaxed and the batteries with more energy that allowed me to take some decisions by myself. In the afternoon we went to see Dr Fusai to ask some questions and show him few things that disturbed me, He did a check and again reassured me that what I went through it was a major operation and all this is normal. The obsess he said it is not related with the tumour it is only a muscle problem, anyway he refer me to a scanning to check in detail and in the future I should see a physiologist. It is funny but nowadays nothing make me terrible happy.
I need to be more positive, I guess one thing that I did wrong it was to read too much about Cancer in the Internet. Too much bad stories.

From the appointment I also find that this Friday I might see the Oncologist Dr Tim Mayer to the start the chemotherapy.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008



I would say that my condition is adapting also according to the British weather, because as all you know the English weather is ruled by instability, and the same happen to me. Yesterday I could have a bad day and today could happen a good day. Thus, today apart of the persistent migraine that is affecting my head and mood, essential because of the instability of the sugar levels it was a relatively quite day. Those sugars levels are behaving like a accordion, all over the place, excessive high or extremely down.
But as I said today I could find some serenity and peace in the eve of a another important day, with appointments with the surgeon and with the nurse of the oncology department. So without too many expectations, tomorrow I can have some important news. Lets see which face me and Olivia will have tomorrow afternoon, We hope the third one :)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Adamastor on the sight


Sorry for my post yesterday, but I was for a long time with hypoglycemia (low level of sugars in the blood) and I did not realise and when I started to write the blog it was the climax without my understanding. I was shaking everywhere, my head was about to explode and my heart jumped as kangaroo. For me has been more difficult to guess all the signs of hypoglycemia, because in all my last days I have been in such a stress, with palpitations and anxiety, that sometimes when I feel very sick I am not sure if respects to my new normal condition or it is the sugars in low levels.
After the short message that I managed to write I burst into tears, and it was Justyna that had the idea to check my sugars levels and the result it was very low, The body was in unbalanced for a long time, then opening me the doors to a sweet hot chocolate. Last evening again I felt the terrible anguish that was familiar to me only when in the beginning this monster set on front of me. Yesterday since the morning I had craps in my legs, no energy left in my body and the positiveness changed to negativeness, almost if had the perception that I entered in a different stage of the disease.

Fortunately this morning brought me a better day, more energy and hope for a balanced solution. In fact sometimes I think that I cannot ask for too much against the cancer, it is about some trade, in the way that all of us could save our face in the end. Like if the Cancer to show all its maligns attributes and its ruthless approach, only would let me go and allow me to live a longer life in exchange of my long fight and suffering until exhaustion, after also shed so many tears and passed for unbearable pain.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sunny shining in the Park

I am not feeling the best today, very nervous and bit sick. I do not know how to explain, Even my fingers are not comfortable for the normal movement of pressing the keyboard necessary to write my blog, or is the brain that cannot send the right signs to the hands and fingers. I am too confuse.

Big kiss for all and for Mayka

Saturday, September 20, 2008

With you I will do it


Again a picture that symbolise a long way, now not a corridor but a long channel, Not only represents in metaphoric terms the way through the illness but also represents the full length that we still need to walk to conquer a more durable peace. In our mind is always without any minute of break our love, the lovely Olivia. Justyna will be always the heroine of this story, She is a mum, she is a wife, she is a friend, is a nurse, is psychologist , is everything for everybody that is around her. Who knows her knows what I am talking about. It is so much comforting for me to know how lucky Olivia is to have the best mum in the world, and of course I am the luckiest man in the world for have such a graceful human being as my partner. Impossible to feel alone with her, she told me since the beginning, "We will go through this together" and this simple words represented so much for me there and here now.

In fact between London and me there was an effect of irresistible magnetism, I could not avoid the call from London at its time, and resist the force that pull me to this metropolis. When I came I had so many dreams and ambitions, and after this time I am sure that the most important, the ones that made me bigger I achieved. I had opportunity to met so many people, big part become my regular friends, with the richness of some of them are from different backgrounds and cultures which painted me a more colourful life. In the end of the day is the best that we can have from London, the friendship and the multiculturalism. For some years I was going around meeting new people, opening new horizons, for wile studying, all in a frenetic speed but fortunately at a lucky moment I met the wonderful woman, Justyna. In a couple of years I had so happy moments and I felt so much loved, more than other time in my life. She helped to produce a reasonable man that loves and respects all his friends and not friends, I will not distinguish also the ones not humans, the animals.

This Saturday my mind was lifted up by more demonstrations of care and love from friends. It is almost the only thing that rests to me at this moment, believe me. Our WOW-Walkers of the World, a British-Latino-American group of friends that do in their free time walks through the country side, today went out for a special walk, they choose the walk to remind about me and to send me the best possible energy, wishing me better. Big kiss for you and I cannot wait to be there soon taking Olivia and Justyna.

In the Continent my Mum, father and family also united to pray for me, in a occasion of a religious party in the Algarve.
All will be alright

Friday, September 19, 2008

Limitless words


This lines wish to write also history in the sense that all of us during our life through the consecutive days and weeks we are doing small pieces of history. I would say that the difference in between my history and the History that scientists spent their time studying, is our history is made of small pictures, we never have the discernment to reach the global picture, rather than History that is aiming to study the facts with some distance giving therefore more clarity even if neglect the small and prosaic things of the life.

The last small picture is showing a day full of tension, consequences of an obsess that appeared in my back, where the pancreas lives, this also accompanied with a tiny pain in the muscles. Of course the prominence could be due to a different reasons, but for a moment I only wanted to think about the worst scenery, i.e it has emerged another tumour with the consecutive tragic consequences. The bad thoughts only were partial released when I got after a few very stressful phone calls, a confirmation of an appointment with the doctor Fasai, the operator, where I can show and discuss with him the updated facts. This appointment it will be next Wednesday. Justyna had a fundamental role today to help me to surpass the bad moments and encourage me to look for the white instead of the dark colour, She toke us to a lovely tea in a park. Shame that I could not match the summer spirit that was in the air this afternoon around London. Afterwards we went to the place were I was working before, nice to review all the friendly and unforgettable faces. We never know if one day we will not cross again.

After this intense afternoon my mind changed and slowly I could feel again the idea of living the day and its small moments, so it was me to call the family and Majka to a pizzeria in Stoke Newington. Justyna is right there is no point to think about the worst in the present before we live the future. If depends from me as I said already and I re-state again I will go until nobody went before to have back my life.

Olivia with her wisdom and graceful smile is transmitting more calmness than thousands words.

thank you love

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Life must be also memories

I understood that I start to play a game of 'up and down'. Today I fall down again where the brain stop and cast off any dream of one day this be sort out. The pain was all day present in my body, even in my back, what I could not understand why. The head is also not helping because often is living in obscurity, like if it become hostage of itself. I think my anxiety only will be relaxed after I get an opportunity to speak with the oncologist, what I am still waiting for. For parts of the day I was without much energy, and the only ones that rested I was using for my bad thoughts. It is really a fighting, between scare of a bad ending and your effort to avoid this negative influences. Like if I need constantly to do something to change the course of this river full of dark feelings. It is exhausted this exercise.
Even from my hobby I am not getting any reward, i.e. the other fighting that is going in my life, against a mouse that is taking our space as its playground, he is getting self confident, and showing is superiority comparing with me. The clever animal is taking all the food from the traps without a touch in the devices , what is starting to frustrating me.

Meditation in process


This morning was one of those that we welcome to be alive. Earlier I understood that would be different morning and day. The difficulties in digest that I had yesterday it was much more softer. Now always that I am eating anything I get myself thinking if I am with pain or not, kind of paranoia. When your brain do not get to many signs of pain also your mind rests leaving a break of bad thoughts for your spirit.

This evening Justyna had a great idea to organize a diner for some friends in our house, in fact after we need to borrow the amenities of Rob, because it was so many friends that we could not fit in our kitchen, and plus I do not know if the mouse that still live at large would like to see is room been shared by so many people. Thus to avoid any contrariety we installed all, me, Justyna, Rob, Meyka, Miriam, Jane. Mike, Kaska and Rafi in the down hall downstairs. It was brilliant food and company. In the end I went alone for a small walk outside to breath and enjoy the moonlight.

Looking further

Tonight I was in the doubt if I should say something here or not, Because I do not want to intoxicate you with always my bad feelings. I am sorry but when there is nothing to smile I cannot refuse the flowing of my depressives and pessimistic instincts. The only thing that make me feel more happy is the hope that remains, that the day of tomorrow the bad thoughts will be gone. This bad day essential is because I was feeling all day a pain that I am not sure where it is, if in my stomach or in the pancreas. It also can be my nervous system, Sometimes the brain cannot stand anymore the pressure. The already long waiting for a call from the doctors are also playing against my hopes and serenity.

Big kiss

Monday, September 15, 2008

Cyberdog baby


A very quite Monday, only to register the event of my haircut, after looking for the prices of the best hair dressers in London, I decided to have a single cut done by the hands of my friend Pajo. I need to recognise that the quality of the cut is not owe anything to the professionals. If you want even a very sophisticated hair cut please contact him.

Later the family, extended with Mayka and Pajo went for a walk and a tea in the South bank, I never refuse to be close to the river. Olivia has been always so calm while in the round through London, that I start to think she will be a also a Londoner girl.
I would like to have this opportunity to show my gratitude to all the professionals of the hospitals that been helping me. During the time I have been in the Hospitals, either UCL London or Royal Free Hospital, cumulative were around 5 weeks I had a contact with such a great people. Nurses and doctors that did more than it was their obligation, Sometimes at the time I was inside the hospital I could not think like that, often I was stressed and we never are satisfied, I could not think about the limitations of the human being, and this people are also human beings. But with some distance is easy to look backwards and understand you much care and love this people gave to me. Some had always a positive word, to me do not give up. I could mention some of them but it would be a very exhaustive work, so I leave a big kiss to everyone, And I see you soon in the Hospital.
Another big thank you to everybody

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A perfect symbiosis


Unnoticeable another weekend is left behind, one of the good things of my forced holidays, is the pressure of Sunday afternoon related with going back to work place in Monday morning has gone, This feeling is an illusion for now :) This week I hope will be the last one before the appointments with doctors and therapy starts. I am waiting this week for a date to see Dr Capler, the head of the Neuroendocrines in the Royal free Hospital to discuss the new plan and what I can expect now, and also I hope to see the Dr Tim Myer to see which kind of chemotherapy I will have in a very short term. Until anything definitive I am trying to do as much as possible, and this week it might be the last one. Today we went with Majka to one of the London postcards, Camden Town. Probably is the most lively area in the world and a place of election to meet people from everywhere and with different cultures. The weather still in good mood, hugging us with a warm and sunny shining.

The last comment is for all my friends, please take care of you, I might have been bit lax with the pain that I presented for two years before it was diagnosed the Cancer. I was feeling the pain, even if a smaller scale for a two years, but I trusted in the system, that was telling me to do not worry, it never could be a Cancer as the doctors were been saying, probably some muscle problem was the easy answer. This after blood tests and scanning. Please whenever you have a pain go until the end to find out what it is. Have my example in your mind.
lovely week

Saturday, September 13, 2008

At last the summer

There is nothing as motherhood, Olivia can tell us that. When she decides to complain also always finds the comfort and tranquility in mums arms. Something that a father only can speculate. It Should be a chemical reaction where it comes about smell, voice and other elements unknown for an adult mortal that make her find the perfect nest in Justynas warmth.
Again Olivia had another long social day, Lunch went out to a posh restaurant in Notting Hill with Vasco and Carolina but for now Olivia left the culinary experience for the parents. Something that parents essential father do not refuse and welcome. Afterwards just time to come home and go to visit Mike, as he host a party for the "Proms". For the first time I attended such a party, again more food but mixed with the classical music.
The day did not finished without a incursion to the centre, it was already 2.00 Am when we managed to pick up Majka. She just arrived now from Poland and will be a week with us at home.
The good news is after such a long day all the criterion that rules my life functioned well. Sugars, energies and humour behaved good.
See you tomorrow

My friend Tramadol

Slowly we start to adventure inside London, day and night. We had a very extensive program today, in afternoon we went to Wood Green to do some shopping, must of the stuff we bought were clothes for me, a long time I did not invest in new shirt, jacket or whatever for me, I thought it will take me longer time to have opportunity to go out, but the Winter is here and my wardrobe is empty to face my soaring social life. Later in the night we spent some time with Pajo and his flatmates. The house were full of flashes, been Olivia the most required from their objectives, I promise I will post a picture of this evening next time.

Everyday I remember something new that I want to share with you, and today I saw a Justyna's notes with some of mine quotations when I was waking up from the operation, apparently I was in a very good mood or even better stoned with all the heavy and effective drugs I had, such as Tramadol. The Morphine I declined even if I had it just in a distance of a pump. Some moments I remember some others it was Justyna and Pajo, who witnessed when I woke up, that reminded me.

I know that the nurse when for the first time she came to check if I was alright she got a questionnaire to certify how my brain was coping with the operation and when she asked me if I knew where I was, and I said I am in Holidays in Spain, in the first moment she was scare but after I smiled to her and she understood that I was jocking, relieving her. Afterwards I was allowed to have the visit of Justyna and when she was approaching me, straight I told her to do not ask silly questions, and also she should be very quick because I was booked for this night, I do not know for what, but for sure I needed to leave the Hospital in very short term. One of the things that I wanted to confess to Justyna it was my emptiness will. Again all this was in a atmosphere of fun. The thing that I said to Pajo that made him laugh was the desire that I made for him, that all the hours that I past in Hospital should be paid by the agency where I was working. Even I had courage when I could not have nothing to eat I asked him if he could go out to buy me kebab. But the most silly I found when I ask to Justyna to give me back my specs, as I had given to her before the operation, and when she gave me back I complained that she had five hours, the duration of the surgery to cleaned it, but it was not cleaned, unforgivable. The last thing that Justyna remembers is the fact that I said to her that the time of operation there was a big mess, a big orgy was going on at the same time :)

It is amazing what the human brain can do after a massive dose of drugs. I can read my unconscious behind the quotations.

Big kiss and lovely weekend

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dangerous balance

Well, This morning I went to the Royal Free Hospital, this time not to speak with the doctors about the cancer in the Liver, but to see the Dermatologist. This appointment has origin in the days after the operation when I developed an allergy in all my body. Back to that days, in order to check the reason for the rash I spent all day doing different things such as submission to a local biopsy into the skin in the groins and I went to a special photographic studios where I needed to expose all my sexy body to the lenses of a professional cameraman to catch the detail of the allergy. It was a surrealistic picture, we went through half of the Hospital, We were after a special photographic studios which catches the worst pathologies in the human body. I was dressed in my dressing-gown and Justyna was pulling my wheel chair, even the transport did not help as my buggy had a problem in the front wheels making each manoeuvres by Justyna when necessary to pass through the corridors and jump in elevators a very complicated task. After cross several departments in the Hospital and almost got lost in its labyrinth we found this studios almost in the end of the Hospital, in a cave. There we were received by a gentleman which toke me to inside his sophisticated studios. What would come next would be only familiar to a professional of the pornography, It was asked me to undressed and meanwhile was switched on a different forms of lights to highlight the rash around my pelvis and bottom. Then the cameraman took in his hands a very powerful camera with a strong objectives starting to take shoots of my nudes. Justyna around could not stop to laugh, Me knowing that it was a case for a big laugh nevertheless I tried to keep serious to do not discompose and cry for all the tragic comedy morning that I was involved.

The biopsy and the pictures should have helped to have an idea of what problem I was facing. Additional It was also taken a sample from my scalp, related to a injury in the top of my head that keeps not healing for a few years. Today when I went to see the doctor I was calm but prepared for another bad news inclusive expecting that what I have in the scalp could be also cancer. But it was frustrating, after all the time and resources used, the doctor did not advance any conclusion, the rash in the body it was some allergy but it was not possible to identify, allergy to what. Then she asked me to submit in the next weeks to some controlled tests to exam if I would be allergic to some individual medicines, such as Penicillin, Tramadol or Acreotide. Also the problem in the scalp for the doctor it does not look cancer, but for that I will demand a more accurate biopsy to make sure what it is.

The day followed with another moment of my arising to the sky, where only the stars have place, This because I went for a singing performance in a school. This project run by Veena is related with a compilation of songs for children in different languages ending up with a CD record. I was invited to join a professional group of singers to sing in Portuguese and my task it was to chant the beautiful children song of "Eu fui ao Jardim da Celeste, Giroflé Giroflá ". After a couple of hours hard work I managed to scream the five verses of the composition.

The day did not finished without a debate between me and Justyna regarding to the last year, it would be very difficult o find such a fulfill and busy year, All happened in less than 365 days. Me and Justyna moved to a place to live together, deciding after to marry in December, ceremony even if faraway from our home unit our both family here in London. It was a dream to have so many friends associating to your happy and special day. It was a long and tiredness day essential to Justyna because she had already the seed of Olivia in her tummy. Our mummy's were the stars of the ceremony as they cooked a meal able to be served in table of the Gods in the heaven. Later our attention moved to the growth of the seed Olivia and been rewarded with the birth of the small and defenceless desired baby. That time it was me the healthier person, the most active, I was divided in between house, work and maternity. But after four weeks of the birth of Olivia it was my time to climb to the stage and been diagnosed the worst that we could imagine, Since that it was not all only torture because of Olivia and some more optimistic news that come to daylight later. It is case to tell "What a year".

The week is almost in the end, but with that is coming a visit of friend, Marian. The house will be represented by the Polish community and with that I also will be under pressure to improve my poor Polish language.

PS: The picture does not show, but few seconds after Justyna fell over breaking her ankle

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Friends every where!


So happy with myself, because even been a long day my body had a very positive answer. I had opportunity to see Shubhi as she came to visit us during her lunch time. Afterwards we went to Chestnuts Park and met with another friend, Veena. There we played cards together with Miriam, enjoying the last spells of sun for this season. In the evening I also saw Pajo and Jane. Friends is the base of my life, represents the air that feeds my breath and consequently unstoppable pulses me heart. I hope you agree, life could be only friends and the elements of the nature.

To finish the day I went to a Portuguese cafe in Camden, something that I used to do often in days of football games. Today after almost half year I went back again there and I really enjoyed, of course not for the result of the Portuguese team, we lost, but for the fact that I felt with a lot of energy and I could see myself again among normal co-citizens and feeling independent. Nice to listen the typical Portuguese swearing, even I witnessed two lads almost fighting for a tiny thing, apparently one guy was swearing to much close to the lady of the other one. Of course the reason for this grotesque episode was only too much beers. I have been distant from so many Portuguese for a while I could see that this lovely people still with the same style, long hair, strong side burns :) I also have my hair growing to match the standards.

The Independence that I felt was also because Justyna and Olivia could not come with us, so I needed to look after myself all evening. Slowly I start to increase my self-confidence. In the end I was coming home and I was feeling as small child very happy, like if I started to have permission to go out alone and of course feeling able to. It is time to the family start to do more things outdoors with the increasing of my energies.

Tonight, formally I need to apologise to the Kingdom of the animals, because I could not resist to see for too much longer a small mouse that keeps going around the house. Sorry but tonight we set five traps to catch it. We swear it was the last option, we looked for traps that would not kill the animal but it was impossible to find it leaving us only with this last chance to hunt it. If any rat read this, please let his fellow know that he must leave our flat tonight, otherwise we are about to do a crime.

Anyway I hope all other animals still could accept my friendship without resentments. My best regards Mr animal

Big kiss for all

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Can you find some differences?


This evening I am looking for this empty page and it looks a mountain to be climbed, No ideas are crossing my mind, anything that can be interested for the Humanity. Anyway I would like to take this lines only to tell you that are so many things that I have been postponed and now I do not know when I will be able to carry out. Frequently I was telling to Justyna, "One day we need to do this,... go there,...", we have to stop talking, the right attitude is, just do it.
Something that I had opportunity to do was during my childhood having so much fun, surrounded by the best that a children can aspire. Not as you think a Playstation.
I remember with so much happiness that time when I was living in Cruz de Pau, close to Lisbon when the summer arrived the streets were unbelievable fulfill of children, there was a space divided for all the categories. The older children were playing football, sometimes with balls of 0.0001 euro, but the owner were the King, He would have straight the doors open in the lineup for any team and seen the others one fighting to have a place in the match. Will not be necessary to tell that matches normally finished when the owner of the ball needed to go home to have his dinner or just because he became upset to be losing or nobody passed the ball to him, Anyway the scores were always with figures of two if not three digits. The ones that did not have a place in the footy opted sometimes to ride a bicycle or just watching and hopping for a vacancy.
When it was the time of the populars party of the Santos as Antonio, Joao or Pedro it was lovely to see the children jumping the fire meanwhile set up with all the pieces of wood and card found around, the mates were trying to jump higher and longer to conquer the heart of the small girls that were witnessing around, with a very shyness countenance or sometimes just pretending because were with mums around with hold hands. The most wild and outsiders played with pressurized cans, throwing to the fire and waiting to be launch to the cosmos. The intense noise of the the wood broken by the fire were mixed with the lauding screams of the children. The girls, normally played some different games in the direct observation of the parents, only some braves were able to interact with more freedom with the boys.
The summer also represented the end of the school, in a time when the heat and good whether were already a certain thing, Between June and July our playground would be transferred to the beach. Is good to remember all the rituals in the morning before I would pack all the stuff and departed for my journey to the beach. I would wake up around 7.00 Am aiming to reach the opening hours of the patisserie with scare that the all bread would run out, before we would reach the place - padaria, with a distance of almost 100 metres it was already possible to smell the fresh bread just cooked, Impossible was to resist also to a couple of Pastel de Nata or just a creamy Bola or Setubalenses. Afterwards, all the ways would take me as the other friends that could reach 15 friends, to the bus stop. Thousands of strategies were allowed to be used in order to be firstly and in a cheaper way getting in the beach, The ones with baby face, sometimes elders but with delay in the growth could catch the bus, as they would lye about their age without any problems and then not paying or paying only half of the ticket to the beach. The ones without that lucky, even sometimes with some short ugly hairy in the face, predicting what would become to shape the moustache, did not have any chances to pay anymore the half ticket. Thus, they need to lunch in a different manner to conquer their place in the beach. A strong possibility were start a random lottery by asking for a lift, in this group the most clever ones and more brave would join a group of girls. In that way getting a hijack with girls towards the seacoast would be just a mater of time rather than lottery. Lastly the sportive child just would take themselves to the shore cycling through the heat. It was really a big fun.
At least all the human being deserve a happy childhood, I am sure this is already written in somewhere.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Self Portrait

Boa noite meus amigos,

It was strange today to woke up and do not see my mother around, for all morning me and Justyna were with the sensation of some emptiness, nobody come out from mum's room as usual to give us a good Morning or to volunteer to give us a hand with whatever. This feeling only started do disappear as the day went through and also we became more comfortable and happy when we contact and saw mum with all the family in Portugal enjoying a much more sunny day than here. It is wonderful to see the picture of the family having back some peace. I believe it was a very fulfill day to my mum, she could see the rest of the family including dogs, and luckily went on time to attend the religious ceremony of Nossa Sra Luz, em Lagoa.

Here, we had a very spicy lunch, what I suppose did not contribute to me to have the best digestion, I felt some stomach ache, but it past after some movements around the house. The dinner in the evening it was already regular, this might be related also to the fact that I still eat to much while I am not so active as I was before. Anyway I am keeping an eye on it and soon will start some exercise.

In the afternoon I had the visit of my friend Miriam, who lives also in London and after we decided to go down to the Angel and meet Pajo. We altogether went for a long and very pleasant walk along the canal. It was an opportunity to have some contact with the water, observe some people recreating themselves with kayaks and see the cyclist crossing the canal. To witness other people having fun and doing some sport is something that brings me a lot of memories and emotions. In one side I feel happy to show to Olivia how much the life could be enjoyable but for other side it make me think that I might be not able to do anymore some of the things that before represented important part of my life. It has been a very hard task for me, only in three months, to suddenly erase from the list of my day life things that before I took for guarantee. Three months ago I was eating and drinking all what I liked, I was playing football one day a week, jogging almost all evenings, cycling through all London, going out during the weekend, I just thought I would have this life style forever, doing all or more what a normal person could aspire. After only three months I am in other extreme, With significant less amount of confidence in myself, dependent for almost everything, less energetic, eating a reduced variety of food. Do not knowing if fighting for a life or just to extend it. As I suspected the tumour founded it was not a good deal, I can tell you even if it sounds, Tumour does not rhyme with Humour.

For a weeks we thought I could have straight a second operation but the doctors did not allow me to skip that important stage of the cancer, the chemotherapy, Unfortunately I will learn the real and full trip through the world of the Cancer. Without to much demand from me, honestly I still have a big hope based in the medical knowledge that I can finished this voyage alive. The battle is difficult but I will kill all the Cylons of the empire, inspiring in the Galactica serial that I watched tonight.
Warm Kisses

Sunday, September 7, 2008

A unique and true love

Para o meu amor, Mae

At this time my mum is already in Portugal, It was the right decision to go to the Algarve in a window when we do not know when will start the chemotherapy and there she can share her love with the rest of the family. She has been so much altruist, giving me so much, Looking only for my comfort, So much love I felt during this time from her, She just abdicated of her own life, giving all her energies and strengths to our wider family.
Not only me, but also Justa and Olivia are different persons because of her giant personality. She had given again all the serenity that I needed, always with a word looking for my comfort, She is unbelievable, She is the star that illuminated me. She is passing the way that any mother would not like to experience never losing control of herself, unfortunately with a lot of pain and suffering in silence, what is the most cruel thing. I need to turn this around not for me but essentially for my mum, Justa and Olivia. I will be a happy man when I can see this human beings happy as well. In a time that I am forbidden to touch in the sweats what a lucky I have to have such a sweet family and of course the sweetest candy Olivia to my delight.
During the next weeks my mum can have a deep breath and also feel the love of the rest of the family to recharge batteries. Also my father can have some normal life back home, after a biggest forced separation since ever. He now can relax more, knowing the news from my mum, Been faraway makes more difficult to cope with what is going on in UK.
My mum left, travelled together with my friend Cristina. Cristina was with us only for one day but it was enormous the spirit and friendly warmth that left behind and we will not forget. Sofia was the only one who remained with us until evening. Together we walked all the way to Stoke Newington having after a Pizza in a Italian restaurant.
I am either happy to see my mum back home and sad because of see her room now empty, we miss you already. I was thinking if all of us could respect and love everybody as we love and respect our mum, how would be the world?
Meanwhile lots of kisses and love for all mums in this world

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Blessed man


I would not mind to live with the cancer if in return the life would give me more days like this, our thoughts were almost allowed for a day to have a day-off of bad believes. For this contributed the visit of two friends, Sofia and Cristina. They come and disrupted all our quiet day bringing more sun and happiness to our routine. We went for a walk until a park, challenging the rain, having the opportunity to go for a very sympathetic ecological friendly café in the top of the Springfield Park. For a moments we played some cards, making me going back to time of my childhood. To feel as a child or just release a laugh is something that happen with me often when my friend Sofia is around.
In the evening I was experiencing some tiredness but I could not miss the opportunity of Sofia & Cristina to be here and we all decided to go out for a dinner, In good time we went. All of us ,including Robert who joined us later, went to an Indian Restaurant, the atmosphere was great and the food lovely. Most of the time I was observing from some distance all of my friends happy and having fun, Nowadays I feel fulfilled seeing my friends and of course family having a good time, but I hope one day I can explode also myself and have back all the energies and happiness that somebody took from me now. For this also does not help the pain that I have, probably from all the healing process and some adaptations in my digest system.

I feel very blessed for throughout my existence I did and kept so many real friends. At this time if I did not have all of you in my life I would be in a desert and in an emptiness and sad walk through this temps. Since the first minute the GP told me all what was written for me, straight outside her door at the some time Justa brace me and cried I told her that I did not want to dye alone, I want to have as much friends as possible around. Later for a while I was scare when one doctor told us that we needed to be prepare to live with fact that some friends might give now on some distance from us after they knew with what we were living. I know how difficult is also to some friends to lead with this, what to tell me and what to do. But fortunately as I mentioned already to Justa, in my case I need to confess that everybody come even closer and surrounded me with all their thoughts and love. Whatever will come I am already a complete and accomplished man.
Today altogether decided that would be time to my mum do a break and go home-Algarve for some weeks, as the chemotherapy will wait at least a couple of weeks. Thus, she is going home tomorrow to see father sister and the new element of the family, Also I cannot forget the dogs. Of course I will missed her but she needs to relax, it has been a crazy and stressful time for all of us.

Friday, September 5, 2008

The Ballet still on

Hello lovely friends,

Another weekend is approaching in a strong pace, and probably you have the same sensation as I have, I am feeling the time just flying, actually I do not have the perception of time anymore. The events that use to make me aware about that convention: the job, the cinema in Monday, the jogging in the evening, I lost already. The beacon of each day for me is only the days of important meetings with doctors and the days for an operation or when there is perspectives of any important decision.
The strategy now undertaken by doctor Fusai, the operator as he called is Wait & Watch, because it makes depending the operation or any other intervention from the behaviour of the tumour with the chemotherapy. Personally I do not like the idea in itself, It sounds that the life stopped until the revelation of the ultimate decision, surgery or not. Honestly, I do not like but I confess very often I see my day following that. Sometimes I need to be pushed by Justyna to keep doing things that I used to do in normally basis or even trying to reach some moments of pleasure, sometimes almost forgotten. I need to be more demanding with myself and do not think so much in the future and focus only in the Today, even more now after this deception.
Today I heard a comment from my friend Pajó that was curious but made sense, when yesterday I mentioned a clock bomb that I would have to carry with me for the rest of my life, as he said is something that can play in my favour, All of us are already carry a clock bomb during our life, the clock is always counting and ticking for everybody, of course if in a quantitative terms I can have a prospective of a shorter existence but in other side it gives me the opportunity to face the same life in different way, gaining in qualitative terms.
As some of you already know I never been the best dancer in the world but after the operation and the performance that was asked me to undertake I became addicted and now at home there is not any day that I do not used my sexy anti embolism stocking to the rehearsal for the next play. By the way I still open for bookings but only in the biggest stages in the world. I am so slim that I am able to fly :) Promise
Enjoy your next day

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Long, long journey


As I said yesterday, there is nothing that a good night sleep does not help to wake up fresher and arise confidence in our aims. This night even if pasted wrapped in a lot of nightmares but the morning brought me again the tranquillity and serenity that I need. A more positive and active attitude in contrast with the tiredness that I suffered yesterday. I was naïve when it crossed my mind the idea of the “mother of my battles” it would be quick and clean, like if it would be just around the next corner, No, as I learnt in the beginning this battle will be long, painful and will required all the energies from me, Not possible to move or change the track and target until all the bullets are shot.

Today it was necessary to see the nurse to conclude a procedure since the operation has been waiting due to the allergy I developed. Then today the immunization referent to the lack of spline saw the light of the day. The vaccination was a composition of meningovax, pneumovax and maemovax which gives some antibodies to fight against some diseases when my spline is not there any more to do this job. Also at last it came out the three stitches I had in my leg, what made the nurse very upset with the extra work.
Finally to remind you, all of your contributed to this special day. I felt invigorated with feeling the energy and the warm from all of you, friends, You are my family as well and I love you all. We know your limitless kindness and care for us :)
You are in my heart

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

One step back before two forward

Ola a todos

At the time I am telling my day I need to confess that I am bit down, with some tears blocked in somewhere, as I have my eyes dried but my soul is hurt and my heart experimenting some pain. The only thing that is keeping and open me a smile now is my Olivia, She just now felt a sleep with her angelic expression, I cannot have enough of her look, I will fight to have that longer and longer, I promise.

Today we went for another appointment with Dr. Fasai, but rather than last time even if pragmatic this meeting the result were less apotheotic and more cold. We were expecting some date for the next operation but unfortunately the plans changed, Instead of going straight to the surgery I need to submit at least three months of chemotherapy. This is a result from a discussion between different doctors, the base was the examination done to the tumour removed before from the Pancreas. Doctor said unfortunately the tumour looked more malign than they predicted in the beginning, With this fact, firstly it is necessary to test the reaction of the metastases in the Liver for chemotherapy, If stagnate or shrank after the process . This strategy is more reasonable rather than undertake an operation now, and after do the chemotherapy. This could lead to the scenery of a growth of the metastases in the Liver after the operation but then it would be impossible to put me to another surgery.

Consequently, the idea is to meet Dr Caplin and Dr Tim Meyer, last one is the specialist in chemotherapy, and after three months of the bitter taste of the chemicals I would be examined and then I could go for more chemotherapy or already for the operation. For this reason I have already an appointment with the surgeon booked for three months time. And the chemotherapy should start in two to four weeks.

Dr Fasai showed himself optimistic, he said the first operation to the Pancreas was successful and I went very well but reminded me in a frightening ton "a present oncologic patient is a oncologic patient for life" meant I need to live my life without think to much in the clock bomb I will have inside my body. It is hard but I am learning.
This make me think in what my father whose to tell me, nothing is for free and everything has a big price, result is all the journey it will take me much longer time and more pain. Of course Justyna and my mum are always very close, now when I need, and tomorrow I will wake up with different spirit and more optimistic.
Kisses and keep smiling for life

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

What is out there?

Some time ago I would say that my live that I am cruising now is so boring, but nowadays I cannot have enough of this kind of life. Walking, reading chatting and appreciating prosaic things of our existence, like this afternoon we had opportunity to contemplate the set of the sun or giving the face to a blowing windy. For sure after all this the Helder that we knew is not the same anymore.

The walk that I undertook today was longer than other days also I added some exercises to improve my fitness. I tried to march with stronger movements of arms and a deep breath at the same time like if was in the Army. As if another battle would come.

I am happy as slowly I start to feel my condition back, stronger and also so far I found the new formula to tackle the diabetes, injecting three times a day it worked very well today. The levels of sugar in the blood were under controlled.

Also my evenings are very enjoyable, because if before I was feeling a pain where the tumour was located, now I just feel the pain of healing, which is bearing and much more healthy :) Thus I can read and playing with Olivia at home. In the countdown for the next operation to Liver, I feel weird, if I want that the next operation come quick as possible to turn this page, to another one, at the same time I want that all that days until there could be as longer as possible, probably a desire and pretension that any single day could reserve me something special, be unique.

In advance for tomorrow afternoon meeting with the surgeon, already this evening I took my shower, a task that the smooth hands of Justyna is the must. I am giving all the importance to the appointment of tomorrow, hoping that I will not be disappointed. Without any thought to interfere in the doctors job, I will try to press him to set a date for the next operation. The out come of Tomorrow it still an incognito equation for us, again we can expect all and nothing from the doctors. We will count with your fingers crossed.

Beijos de todos para todos

In between the storms


We all woke up later this morning, demanding after a rush to get on time for the appointment with the doctor of the diabetes. It was an opportunity to ask some questions and we got really very good and practical explanations. She said to us that the fact that the half of the pancreas that was now remove - the tail, could made the scenery less badly, because the top of the pancreas is the part where the majority of insulin is produced and that one still active, regarding to the liver she was more realistic than optimistic, depending from how much it will be cut it in the surgery, from 50% up to 80%, my body it will need to adapt, and this could take me two years. Because the Liver also stores sugars again the levels of insulin that I am injecting will need to be adjusted.
Additional she advised me to take three times day insulin instead of two and less amount in each, aiming the meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lastly she made me feel that what is waiting for me is not an impossible task, like if some other people have past already through the same.

In the afternoon after the appointment all the family relaxed and did a small picnic in the canteen of UCL Hospital, Justyna brought some salads from the Sunsbury. For moments I looked outside the canteen and I thought how much the things have changed since I have been there last time. Now I could appreciate all the peoples movements outside, the people running around the main streets and metro station, before when I was coming downstairs to the canteen barely I could looked around me, I was living inside my shell.

Though the difficulties we had and the storms that still to approach us very soon, now it is time to enjoy our sailing through the sea, smoothly we are going through different ports and like any sailor before the tempest take advantage to look after other details and organize all to be ready for the big moment.

Love for all