Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Last time in this page

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Monday, May 21, 2012

Patience of Chinese

I was in quite a good shape this morning, I helped in the Noah's Ark shop, I steamed and steamed, I already told and confessed my fascination for the repetitive jobs. Only in the afternoon the energies vanished, nothing that could not be sort out with an hour nap, It was great to feel the subconscious taking over of the conscious and the legs slowly release from the body. Today we did not have any going out, rarely we stay at home all day as today, I found the going out very helpful and therapeutic, or at least it makes me divert from some of the thoughts. Probably it also means that I still need to find my peace in between the walls of my house and do not constantly run away from it. It is the patience of Chinese that we all need to have and practise. But before practise the patience from China we practise the eating, In the dinner we all picked up the chopsticks. Olivia loved the new fashion.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

In the Globe

We had some good expectations for today, nevertheless the word expectations has less and less meaning for me, I prefer to not expect anything to not as usual be confronted with the unexpected. In our calendar was marked for a long time the event of Romeo and Julieta in Portuguese, this in the Shakespeare Globe. It was two hours of standing up and with cramps everywhere, but it was worth it, we had a lot of good laugh and cry of course from it. I was also surprised that I was not the only one complaining about the long standing, as Vasco and Pajo also complained from their legs and back. Justyna loved it, as she is a big fan and passionate about all the Shakespeare's works. The end was dramatic and sad but made me think, Romeo and Julieta's death even though tragic but was definitely worth as they brought peace to the ones left. I guess nothing is in vain, in the end everything has a meaning and reason.

Olivia could not come with us, but she did not mind, she spent all afternoon with Veena. Shame also that because of the long afternoon out we did not manage to spent more time with Gosia, as she came to London for only a day.
By the way, because we are already in Veena's house to pick up Olivia, we also will have the taste of her great food.

Frozen water

Today I had a bit more of energy and Olivia felt this and she could not drop the opportunity, she wanted to go back to the swimming pool. It was good, I just felt so cold there, mainly in the water, through all the visit I could not wet my head. I think Olivia was influenced by me, as she also was not too keen to go and swim. Then we were the only big and small people that past more time outside around the sandwiches and muffins than inside the water, But we both had a good time together, this is the only thing important.
But for the afternoon was reserved a big event, our friend and angel Shubhi had her birthday party, we were lucky to enjoy this special moments with her and family. But it was Ryan who had the biggest present as his Chelsea won the Cup.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Kitchen duties

It looks that I am made for mornings and Justyna for afternoons. We both alternate the humour, rarely we are both in the high. There is always somebody keeping the flag of the sadness, I do not know until when. It is also curios how quick my hormones changed, I can switch without explanation from being very sad to less sad. In the afternoon Justyna called me to the kitchen to help her with the cooking duties, it was a strategy to see if I would jump from the bed and to be more proactive.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Art club

I think today I overrun my limits, it was a long and very busy day, Probably because of that I am very tired but also happy, or at least happier than usual. This feeling of happiness is difficult to describe, it is for sure something very deep, a feeling of peace, almost if nothing else needed to be done or expected from me, almost as if I would have everything in my arms. I know how much more I would like to have but today what I do not have is not hurting. I know how difficult it is for people to chose the right words to be told to me, I am not picky with that, but today my Art teacher had wonderful words for me, which I appreciated very much. I will spread my smile until I can, and if this makes others happy, even better.

Today we all were in the Art mood, in the morning all the family and a neighbour Violina went to see an Art exhibition in Finchley, Nowadays having a little bit more knowledge about painting makes me look to the works with different eyes than before, probably more critic, but also this visits are always a fantastic lessons.

The Art carried on in the afternoon. Today it was a big day for Olivia, she had accomplished her dream, since long time she has been asking me if she could come to visit me in the class. For a day Olivia was the youngest art student in the World.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

More of the Friends

Today we all went for a special healing mass. Not only in the church but I am now open to all different approaches to improve my health condition, as it looks the conventional medicine has less and less to offer me. I have been feeling tired, probably also influenced by my down mood, this afternoon I had a lovely nap and I am already looking forward for the night and to reach my bed. In the night the brain switches off and I have few hours where the ghosts give me a break.

I have the feeling that this my state of lethargy, tiredness and disbelief is keeping Olivia further away from me, Probably she is not coming so much to me because she understands that I am physically and even more mentally not willing for jokes.

Before bed only a couple of episodes of Friends in the company of my team mate, just to exercise the lungs, they need some laugh.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


This days reminds me the idea of children playing in the park, there we can find slides where kids slide dizzily and happy down to the bottom, But where myself and Justyna spend most of the time is in the see-saw, we take turns in different positions, in the morning was Justyna on the top and me pushing for her and in the afternoon was me in the other side of the see-saw, and Justyna was trying to cheer me up. We both know that every minute is worth thousands hours, we are now even more closer, we do not want to leave and lose the sight for each other for any instant. It is also no time to deprive the affection for each other. This is a battle for two, or better two and half.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Carrot cake

We were supposed to stay only overnight in Veena's place and come back home in the morning, but we were  enjoying so much the day that we stayed with our friend until the evening. Olivia skip her nursery as I my charity shop. Only Justyna went to work in her charity shop. We had a great time, we baked a wonderful cake for the Unknown teddy bear birthday party and Olivia had her Yoga session with Veena. I was amazed to listen all Olivia's English vocabulary, not often I listen her speaking so much in English. I feel some good energies around again :)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Back to the party

The day could not start better, having my adorable pill and even before the breakfast I went outside to drop the bin and I had a great surprise planted outside the door, I big doggy poo. Of course, my shoes landed on that smelly present. Only inside I realised what I brought sticked to the shoes, but it was too late. After, I was more than an hour cleaning and desinfecting the house. But the smell kept for longer. Justyna could not bear the smell and even think about the breakfast and we left home straight away. Hopefully all this shit means a lot of lucky on the way :)
Today I could not miss the mass, as today is also the celebration of N. S. de Fátima. I am sure my mother was all day thinking and praying to her. This is not only a difficult days for me, It is also not easy for family and friends. Together soon we will sort this out. 

Later Olivia put all her tricycles out, she wanted to give away her vehicles that she is not using anymore. Outside our frontyard looked like a garage. But, not all is beautiful, today I was upset with myself when I screamed with Olivia and I was not right, It is very frustrating to see sometimes our frustrations ended up in Olivia. We need to be strong with ourselves for our princess.

But in the evening, since we entered Veena's house all the problems were left outside, we had a wonderful time with Veena and Ben. Shame that Krishna could not join the party and feast this time.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

"Everything is always alright in the end"

Well, I am trying to get back my life to the as normal as possible, I thought for a while to skip my day in the charity shop, but in the end I decided to go, Not to go would be a bad precedent. I went and just enjoyed the morning helping someone who also needs my hand. It was a very positive day, There was Shubhy and Tom in the afternoon that almost make me feel as if it was not necessary the Sun . I am now very tired and battle with a small cough in my chest, Any problem scares me, because I cannot afford to drop this pills. Or probably I can, What has to be it will be :) My friend Daniela was quoting for me something that she heard in a film that I liked, Everything is alright in the end if it is not alright then it is not the end yet.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Everolimus station

The day arrived very early, even earlier than the morning, before 6.00 AM my low sugars alarmed me and I was already awake, The Sun was shinning again and even a family of foxes were lovely wandering in our garden, All that signs that did not want to mean nothing. The day was not to offer me anything else that I should be glad.

The bad dream is about to carry on, the next station in the Northerline is now Everolimus. Even asking today to be seen by a different doctor, Dr. Rupinda - the nicest one, didn't help - the results and answers were more or less the same as last week, Not many encouraging words. The doctor told us about the stubbornness and the very singular idiosyncrasy of my Cancer and lymph nodes, they look that they tend to respond very well to the first sets of treatments of any kind but suddenly and quickly adapts and starts to resist to the treatments. At least, something clever out of all this.

I am starting to take now every day this Everolimus pill, a very prosaic word for such a strong pill and where my next future lies, at least they could get a more illuminated word for its name. Anyway, it was the pharmacist giving me the pill and the next minute I was having straight away the first one, No minute to be lost. According to what was told to me I should expect many side effects, few I already feel on the way, but at least the lost of appetite it still faraway. I think it still to be born a generation of Cancer pills that can take away my appetite.

Today my reaction could be compared to a kettle, firstly I was staring and very cold listening to all doctor's words, but when outside few minutes after I exploded, I was boiling inside and just couldn't stand anymore, I needed to cry. Justyna was telling how all this sounds like a surrealistic play, I still look OK, but from what doctors say I should not be feeling good anymore, every single spot doubled in size.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Olivia dreams about the Neverland, where nobody got sick or dies. It is to save her dream that we are not taking her tomorrow to the Hospital. Tomorrow me and Justyna are back to the Hospital to try to understand better what is the plan, I cannot avoid my brain to freeze thinking about what we can listen tomorrow from the doctors. To think that the bad news I already took on board, and now nothing could be worst than that, this perspective does not help nor makes me calmer, I already proved that there is always something worse than the bad. I feel as if in the bottom there is no end.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Mustard Seed

Today I woke up much better, at least with the desire to stand up and take the most from the day, I had good reasons for that, I had the very early visit of Tom, He took me to the Amaravati Buddhist Monastery. If I was already feeling better comparing to days before here I overloaded with good energies. The food was great and the opportunity to have a the talk with a Portuguese Monk was very uplifting. It was full of curiosity the conversation with Appamado, I found that we could be almost family, his parents were from the same area as my parents in the Algarve, also his father later went to Lisbon and worked in the same company as my father, He used to go to the same beach as me, His name before the ordination was Vasco, same as my friend. We laughed so much, because in every lines that we explored we found a lot of similarities. Portugal is small but not that small :)

To speak with him was good, I found a different approach. I've been looking for the answers and the path to my serenity - But I might have been confronted with a non-solution problem. I, as all of us, need to understand the inevitability of Death. He was telling me the old story of the Mustard seed, Once an old lady grieving her son who had just died come to Buddha to ask if he could use his powers to resurrect her son, and Buddha asked her to go through the village and to pick up a handful of mustard seeds for each house that has not been touched by the death, where no son, no daughter, no father have died. In the end the lady came back to Buddha with an empty hand. This to understand that there are things that we need to live with.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Shakespeare cycle

In spite of some pain in the Liver and in the soul the first Sun rays gave us a small push that we want to take advantage and take the lift. It was not only the Sun, but also the Reiki session gave me some extra energy, and more the great company of Vasco made a different day. The pain is now more visible and less invisible, what is a better sign for me.

Justyna had her first experience in the Shakespeare cycle that started in the globe in Sounthbank,  Soon we will go for the Portuguese performance of Romeo and Juliet.

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Prince Who Never Smiled

I am feeling so grumpy that the family should take the example from an Olivia's book, Just open a contest to see who is the first to make me laugh or even smile. I believe this is a hard task so the compensation will be also very generous. I also appreciate a help to find more peace, but this is my own battle, that I must win inside me.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Raining tears

I confess that I am going through those days when I feel upset and angry with everything and everyone, even I am sad with the special one, Today I did not feel motivated to go to the church. Probably tomorrow this will change and I will want again to catch up with him. I hope he will forgive me for this, This time has been very difficult to take this without some childishness.

Where I am finding a lot of support these days is in the Walt Disney stories that Olivia watches, they are leading my dreams, There, it is possible to change everything, nothing is written forever. I want to live there, when the Life stories ends in the end of each chapter, but we can watch again and again. More seriously, I was listening a documentary from a Buddhist Monk, Matthieu Ricard, and he says that the happiness is ephemeral, what makes us happy now, repeated and repeated, tomorrow it will not makes us happy anymore, And I would add my hope, that the same should happen with the unhappiness, if we will be familiar with that state longer it might become less and less painful and sad.

To escape from this atmosphere of resignation we all walked this afternoon to a coffe bar in the country side, It would have been a perfect walk if not polluted with so many posh houses and cars. I prefer everything simple. You can understand by now, that I am now the worst company possible :)

The sky looks that is paying me out with the same coin. Tonight the sky will not open for us to show the brightest Moon of the year, instead from there only cold and rain.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Invisible pain

I am, we are very sad, It is an invisible pain, that without being seen it hurts so much, Probably only Camões would know how to describe it. I just know that what I am feeling is something deep inside, as if the soul suddenly is here, with shape, very vivid, and present. The hard bit is also to play the hide and seek with Olivia, not as normally, now hiding the tears as soon as she comes around. For my wish I started to have those deep conversations with Justyna, but the deal is to speak about everything but to not give up in the hopes, whatever we speak is just a back up for the future, just in case :)

We started the morning dropping and hiding tears, but later we also wiped tears, for that helped our day out watching the Ballet Revolution, in the West End, this was a Shubhi and Tom's present for my birthday, and came in crucial time, to make our thoughts vary for a couple of hours. At the same time Olivia was with Shubhi and Tom in an animals farm, Apparently we all had a great afternoon. Today Tom was telling and it is true, this is not the first time that I come to this point and always we moved to a better, and hopefully this time will be the same, We must believe we still have more good days ahead.

Friday, May 4, 2012

In a mess

This is not happening to me, it is what I am screaming inside my emptiness, I have a beautiful wife and daughter and I want to live my Life, but I am finding myself in a narrower tunnel, I am scary that there is nothing else to see and to enjoy. In the morning was all smiles and hope, in the end of the day was just one injection that supposed to bring goodness, but again already inside the doctor's office I was taken by surprise with a devastating news, hit by a car, or a train. I was told about the last minute change of plans, The treatment is not the paradise and a mild drug but instead the purgatory and a heavy tablets. This because the disease spread to another places and got bigger, we thought that it would be calm for a while but pure fallacy. Next Friday I am starting the new medicine which hopefully can hold the growth for a while, But if not.. here is the biggest problem, The doctor said to us that this is the end of the line, there is nothing else to be offered me, at least proven that can help. I believe that I am now in a mess, looking for anyway to feel the ground inside, anything that could make all this worth.

From the Hospital, me and Justyna did not know where to go, we just walk and walk, It is harder for me to know that Justyna could do everything to see me better, but there is nothing she can do, Too hard for all of us. Olivia is with Shubhi, she will come soon, I do not know how I will react.
Life carries on,  difficult to believe :)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Laureotide- test dose

We are all in the hospital,I am going through my sabbatical escape. Enjoying drawing and reading. Meanwhile I had already the taste of my test dose, If everything keeps on the track as until now tomorrow I will have the full dose. The injection of Laureotide auto gel, essentially a hormone could mess up unpredictably with the sugar levels, this is the big worry and I will find out tomorrow. Now I enjoying the luxury of blog in the Vasco's iPhone.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Keep firm

I am still at home waiting for a call from the hospital to be told what time and on which bed I will camp this evening. This morning I spoke with the nurse and she told me that I will need to stay in the hospital until Friday. No chance to vote in the Thursday elections :( The treatment should start only tomorrow and I will need to be monitored throughout Thursday night. This time the side effects of the treatment seem to be severe, but to be honest I am quit relax, so far. I even did not Google information about the injections and I am not familiar with the name of the treatment. Probably the experience plays a big part in this detachment. This days I will not have only the treatment, I also will find out what was the scan results from last week. So no mood for holidays in the hospital.

I tried to keep busy and this morning I went to the drawing class with Justyna, now doing my bag and set up the mind.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Peter Pan

1st of May, No work for anyone, For me there are plenty of 1st of May's through the year. It is a date that we should remember that the Human Being was not made only for work, and it is asked from all of us a bit more of understanding from the needs from our co-Human Beings. It is in our hands in a lot of small things to create a better life, sometimes we think that the sin is always in our neighbours, but I think we all are not behaving as we should.

Today was my last day before I will be admitted in the Hospital to have my monthly injections, hopefully I will come back Thursday afternoon with a lot of reasons to be happy and the tumours unhappy. It came in the perfect time the today's Reiki session, I relaxed and had refilled with positive energies. I had also met my friend Ken, to update our personal stories.

Justyna had for the first time a go on the trampoline, Olivia was very excited, enjoying the moment, Later she had the company of Jean that was in his environment, jumping.

In the evening the Herman the German friendship cake was an excuse to see more friends, sharing our emotions. Olivia is now asleep and probably in a dream of Peter Pan, as she has been very much in that mood.