Sunday, January 31, 2010


The days are moving on full of contrasts, this will be my last week of holidays as in the next Monday I will have already another chemotherapy session on the top of me. I confess that I cannot wait for that, It is awful the week ahead of the chemo but I know without that my life would not have any hope. Psychologically knowing that we are in treatment also boost the moral, It is like postponing the reality, putting the problems under the carpet as long as possible, For a while in this way I am full of hope, at least few more months, the time that last the chemotherapy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Shapping the house

The house is slowly getting shape and starts to reflect our image, today another step been done in that way, I went to picked up two bookshelves to have more space for our books and frames for pictures. The task had the collaboration of my friends Fernando that went with me in his Van to picked up both bookshelves and Rafi to set up those in the living room and bedroom, This of course under vigilance of Olivia. Later I enjoyed so much just to organize the shelves, separating the books by themes and subjects. You would say so boring this guy, but it is true, I confess I always had special attraction for monotonous activities. In the evening was lovely to have the company of Ryan, for a while we have not met each other, So we were missing him very much. Also Shubhy and Tazz come to say hello.

Now, I hope I will have some sleep because last nigh I was sleepless again.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Spoiled boy

The day went smoothly until the afternoon, I met the Dermatologist in the Royal Free Hospital, because of a rash I am having in the groins, now I have a cream to try to control that. With chemotherapy things like that are more difficult to cure.

In the afternoon when I arrived at home, Even if the day was going down to the night but the emotions and happiness went straight up to the top. Yes, somebody knock on the door and it is strange always that somebody that we do not know wants to give something, It was the deliver man with a parcel for me. I could not believe that it was such a big present, almost could not go in through the doors. When I open the box I was the happiest man in the World, I have a professional easel to do my draws and paints. This was a gift from my girl friends in Portugal Filipa, Carla, Ines, Patricia, Cristina, Sofia, Daniela and Ana Rita. They always treat me with so much care and tender that I do not have words to express how much I love them. It is so comfortable to know that we have so many special friends. Now with this easel and professional brushes I do not have excuses to do better works, I look like that very spoiled and rich kids that always have the best material but are very clumsy, Or as in my childhood, the kids who were bringing the best ball to play football but they also were the worst football players. I do need to fight to not match that stereotype.

Later in the evening we had the visit of Shubhy and Tazz and also Kasha and Rafi, who are staying with us tonight, Now we will watch a movie which I still do no with warm of friendship in the room.

Olivia always working :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I am still finding my position as a father, today I went with Olivia to a rhymes session in the Library close to us, it was fine, I was there at the right time, but I did not go to the right room, so in the end me ad Olivia lost the session and the fun. Let us hope next week it will go better. I still need to do bigger effort to deserve the respect and trust from Olivia as from all the other people and to not be the small and immature Helder as usual. My body it never stops to grow but shamefully the same did not happen with my brain that has been in the hold or frozen since the last cold winter.

The evening was lovely, I am sure one of the most beautiful in Olivia's life so far, We went to the launch of a CD produced by Veena related with a Sing me a song teachers. It was really great to see and listen the performances and good spirit in the stage, I never get enough of get good energies and positiveness from seeing the happiness stamped in the other's face. Great to catch up and see again my former colleges where I worked last time.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fresh bread

In the night I did not sleep much but nevertheless I wanted to be awake as soon as possible, I knew that the day would bring me good emotions, since early morning I was listening outside the marketer's traders organising their stalls and I could not resist before 8 AM to jump outside the door and buy the fresh French bread from the morning and bring the fresh fruit for the breakfast and to work, This before Justyna and Olivia would be awake. The breakfast was excellent, remembering the time when I was child that I always was going for the first bread in the Praca da Cruz de Pau.

As I was up since early, the time to work was wider, I sat down in the kitchen and I decided to challenge the same fresh fruits and plants disposed in front on the top of the table, Then born my first Still Life or death nature for me. The good news also come to made happier, My mum is back home and safe. The doctor told mother that it was the saints that she kept beside her bed that had mercy of her life. The banal operation turned in her second opportunity to live. She was in coma and the blood reserves in her body were almost null, as the vein that feed the Gallbladder never was closed while they finished the surgery. Fortunately this was another happy end.


view from my bedroom

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My first Chapathi

The worst from the first chemotherapy session I hope already past (I am touching now the wood), I am feeling more relax, experiencing better nights sleep, the sugars are now more controlled again after the injection of steroids in the body. But today I felt bigger discomfort in the Liver what I suppose is the chemicals infecting the Liver. This treatment it is not so much silent as we think. But it was a very happy day, I am sure if I would have all days like that in my life I would be the happiest person that past through this World. Lovely family and friends and now a very warm house.
Finally, we booked our tickets to go to Poland after more than a year, The dates will be from 8 until 18 of March.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Princess in pyjama


Today I realised that there is few issues that Olivia never can rely on me otherwise she would never get engage. This morning I took in my shoulder the Olivia's care, but I should not went so far. Imagine I chose even her dress for the day. But of course if the combination of pieces and colors were good enough to not suffer from the cold and have a reasonable sensation of comfort but the sense of aesthetic was poor to not say very ugly, I hope she will forgive me having a pyjama under her skirt.

The day was lovely as we met our friend Veena and have the taste of her lovely food.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Eating session

Today we officially ended the celebrations of my birthday, this was almost like a gypsy party. Even having in the middle my chemotherapy session, today we went again for a meal with our friend Vasco in the same restaurant as last Sunday. The result was barbarous, The table was always full almost impossible to see its bottom. We hardly could walk back home with our bellies so stuffed. Now the evening will be just relax, reading a book and enjoying the company of each other.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Much better

Mummy is definitely better, Finally I spoke few words with her, She still weak but there was not any other setbacks what is promising. I was thinking how difficult should be to people bear the pain of losing somebody in stupid accidents. If sometimes, the barriers are so big, people fighting long time for life, that we can expected the worst and make our self ready for the fatal destiny but I think should be even harder when we are waiting for our love ones while they went out for a simple thing, but they will not arrive anymore.

Myself since last night I am catching up some more sleep, I still feel nausea but the appetite did not go away :)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Nothing is easy

There is nothing simple, What was suppose to be the simplest operation almost ended up in tragedy, Yes, my mother according to the information from yesterday her surgery to the Gallbladder went well, but after in the night against the predictions almost all went wrong. There was a vein that was blocked in the surgery that opened and started to bleed, She needed to go to another operation in emergency to remove all the blood lost and to give her extra blood units. Apparently it was a life threat situation and we all sleeping.

As you can imagine in the afternoon all of us were very nervous until the better news arrived. Now she is stable and already conscious. Hopefully tomorrow I will speak with her.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Land of Nod

Well, I am still in the land of Nod, Not really knowing where I am going, and what is the route to follow, For now I just try to relax, but also because there is no other option, The bed is where I should be even without sleep. Last night was a nightmare, Almost all past in blank but overall with a strong heart burning. The incursions to the toilets are frequent and the only way to past the time in the bed is to construct a big pile of pillows, I counted already five, Not far from achieving the same as the Babel Tower. Hopefully God will not get even more upset with me :)

During the day I was updated with what was happening with my mother in the surgery block, I still could not speak with her after the surgery but according to my father all went very well, and now she just need to have some rest and after get back to home. Tomorrow hopefully I will speak with her in the first person.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Mummy in hospital

Now I understand why normally when we are under the chemotherapy the diverse and small pains are going away, I would say they are replace for some bigger discomfort that put the others pains related with the Cancer more localised in a small corner. Thus, is the heart burning and awful taste in the mouth that takes over the primary importance. But, so far I cannot complain too much, tonight I had two hours sleep, enough to relax. The day happily brought my computer back and repaired, Everything is more simples in the Blog point of view.

The days are passing very slow, I am trying to go for a short walks with Olivia in order to get her use and do not be so dependent from Mummy, As she is about to start her course and she will need much more hours for herself, So let us see if Olivia will collaborates.

Tomorrow, I will need to be in touch with Portugal because finally my mother will have her surgery to the Gallbladder, I am sure all will be alright. Kisses for you and relax from your veteran son.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Challeging the toilets

The chemotherapy has this surprises, it did not take me all the energies, so far, did not take the appetite, but only brought me an avalanche of hiccups, I could bet that should go already in over thousand hiccups all around the day, I am only worried regarding to my social live, I am now forbidden to attend and satisfy all the invitations for the glamorous dinners with all the posh people. I know that this behaviour is not acceptable among my fellows. The frequent hiccups already happen in the last chemo sessions and I suppose that is because of the anti sickness prescribed by the doctors. Those are also responsible for the constipation that is going on in the bowels, The toilets in my new house are for sure finding the biggest challenge of their lives managing with the hard product. The pipes are not made for the proper stuff, Shame. But probably Good for the plumbers because soon their work will be request.

Different matter, less corrosive, As I told yesterday my oncologist is also my neighbour (apparently as it is the Cancer), He lives probably at 500m from my house, and I was thinking now having such a complicity with him I am sure that he will never give me more bad news about the Cancer, otherwise I will break the glasses of his house's windows.

Lastly, to tell how thank you we are for all the friends that helped to coast our tickets to Portugal in this Christmas, Big thank you to all of you and also to the other ones that did not pay but I am sure because they did not know. We area so great to all of you, from our deep heart.

I almost forgot to tell that today was the 500th post.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Chemotherapy-session 7

Officially today is the most depressing day of the year, but of course as you know I never leave the brain in total rest and I always think ahead of my pairs, So this year nothing better to forgot about this dark and sad day of the calender then taken a day in a special environment, in the chemotherapy unit, In fact what almost and for destiny would become bad day rather become an unbelievable and unforgotten time in the Hospital :) No thoughts about credit cards, overdrafts and neither future crossed my mind.

The time went painfully slow, Only to distract a book but quickly I become tired trying to focus on that, Although, the book sounds interesting which reports an investigation done my an autistic child The curious incident of the dog in the night-time. The television was on but made me more sick than the drugs going in the veins. For a while I thought they gave strong anti sickness already because the programs in the television, There was a program called 60 minutes make over which was a prototype of this new reality show, Here they had 1 hour to redecorate and refurbishing a house but could be others like a Ramsey trying to cook something in a flash. This shows the religion of the time in disfavour of quality, The culture of the fast food is still among us my friends.

The day was marked also for two big coincidences, if in the morning I met the Surgeon Dr Fusay, only time for a quick change of compliments in the elevator but in the evening one the way home expected the biggest coincidence, when I left the last tube station and was coming home I met my oncologist Dr. Tim Meyer, He is my neighbour! I joked with him telling that now on whenever I have a problem instead of go to the Hospital I will knock in his door.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Learning to fly

There we are again turning another page in this already long and decrepit life, one more year in the shoulders, hopefully I will be strong enough to carry much more. First big gift of the day was having the sun light waking me up in the morning, Happy to see my creation in the wall with it is own life. Yesterday, I was bit low and I decided to paint a sketch I did before, yesterday it looked very dark but today I realised that it was not so dark and bad as I though before. It was also very good to go to the church yesterday, because I could be free from my duty today :)

Thus, today I am full enjoying my birthday with Olivia, Justyna and friends that come around, and of course taking thousand of phone calls, I am so lucky of been so much spoiled by my dear friends. Justyna has spread gifts for me everywhere in the house, so I have discovered through all the day books in the sofa, in the walls, in the shelves, But the one I most shocked me was a voucher to start lessons in piloting airplanes. So soon expect me to fly over London, I have already the aim to fly under the Tower Bridge.

Within the circumstances it would be impossible to start the chemotherapy with better mood and positiveness. Tomorrow I will be there again to defeat the beast. I also I will show some other pictures.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Dancing in the snow

The day has changed, the rain is now shinning outside home, It is a good experience to wake up and see outside the stalls and people walking around the market. For me, I will still wait for a better day to do an incursion in the local market, and mixed up with the buyers or just smell the fruits and veges.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Treatment needs

Again in the Chemotherapy route, with Fridays blood tests and appointment with Oncologist followed the Mondays chemo sessions, So great. The horizon are not great but sometimes we need to do what we do not loved, It is not the first time and will not be the last one. It starts this week but nobody knows when will finish. The conversation with the Oncologist are now always vague, so frustrating to not have answers, Sometimes I think if I need to be beaten by this please just do it quick. Always, that I am going to see a doctor or I receive a letter I am keeping looking for a small hope, some word, some little phrase from the doctor that would boost and increase my moral, but that green light never comes anymore, probably has gone, I thought I already past the grief time but No, It is always difficult to understand and live just for a day. I only feel my heart much more hard, less sensitive, I cannot cry anymore, not only because I cannot but also because I do not feel for that, I wish I would do it. This in contrast with Justyna that do not know how to run at the same path as me, not having plans is something that would require another full live to learn how to live it.

In the reception I am pretending to be coll, but as usual I am always observing the patients, there is a member of the club that I know his face since I joined the team, He should be my age but each time I come to the ballroom room and see him he looks few years older, Today it was hard to see him, with such a pale face and wrinkles taken all his youth face. With all the love for him but it is hard to not seem me there one of this days.

Definitely I need chemotherapy to increase my moral and disguise the small pain in the Liver.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Snow to the water


Another jump to the library another lines on this blog, The weather turned from Swedes to English again. The grey on the sky it never can be mistaken, we are again in London. The rain is accelerating the melting of the snow and ice. The lives, special from the playing children and the people that needed to walk with special care to not slip are backing to the normal boredom.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Life in the new House

Unfortunately the deliver of the repaired computer will take longer to come back to my home, to write this lines I need to pop in to the library, that anyway is just one minute away from my home, So far we are very happy with our new house and its location, we have almost everything nearby. Today we had a pleasant afternoon, Vasco and Predador come to visit us, It was lovely to chat and have a relaxing time. The days are quiet, Before I go to bed in the night I almost can say another day done, But even if does not sounds good rather it is not a bad sensation. Tonight the snow come back to London, and my thoughts are still faraway from the next Monday when I will lay down for the chemotherapy first session, It is before, this Sunday I will have my birthday, In time to keep me distracted my Holidays until the first day of work.

Lastly, just to send a big hug and tell that my deepest thoughts are definitely with who are suffering in the Haiti after this strong earthquake.

Monday, January 11, 2010

White London


I am already in London, arrived last Saturday, The weather let us finally come to British soil, I could not tell you anything before because I have my computer repairing again and I will have it back only this Wednesday. For now I discovered this Library in my backyards where all the family can find entertainment. This days in London past very smoothly, probably because of having now our batteries full recharged, In fact we have been meeting the happiness for a few bits in the last days. I am catching up some reading and Justyna is very exited with a course on Children Development that she has registered in the Open University. The snow slow down but Olivia is always enjoying her short walks outside manly to go shopping with me.

Tomorrow I will get back to my work, I will go to the UCL to do a planed PET scan, it will be very early nevertheless I hope the Cancer cells will be awake to the pictures. As next Friday the oncologist need to have full information.

I promise as soon as I have the computer gain I will update all the news.

Friday, January 8, 2010


Luckily the extra day was a big bonus, the weather was great what made us take full advantage of that unexpected gift, The Sun gave me inspiration to try some sketches, now when back to London I just need to give some color and after I might show you. The weather tomorrow will determine if we would stay more days in Portugal, if it keeps like that am sure the airports in London will be closed and Algarve will be our home for a few more days.The appointments are all sort out, Next Friday I will see the oncologist and the following Monday I will have the chemotherapy. Soon I will lose my rights to have the head buried as the ostrich, In London I will face again the rough reality.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Glaciar wave

We have had already finished our holidays, packed our things, were waiting in the airport to go to London, all my thoughts were in the next appointments and chemotherapy for Friday and Monday, but without too much surprise we were forced to stay few more days in Faro. For now we have our flight booked for this Saturday but it is expectable more snow for the weekend, so the most probably is to go back to London only next week. I am trying to delay all the appointments, so I believe that my first chemotherapy session will be only in a week. It is a delay that I hope it will not bring any harm, but it is a mix feelings in my heart, if for one side I can stay few more days within the family but for other side I need to delay the treatment when I want to start it as soon as possible. Even if I do not know why.

Fortunately Algarve discover today a mega Sunlight, something that has been hidden even here.