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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Life cycle

The days are getting longer and brighter, even if today was not the best example, But girls already want to spend more time outside in the garden, It is now necessary to do the first clean of the season, remove the water from the sandpit, put in the place the swings and slid. The apple tree is also starting to show some signs of life again, the branches are again a bit green as usual in the Spring. It was not all beautiful, I would say that this is boring, to watch the same movie again and again. We need to be very naive to like the Life as it is, very monotone and cyclic. Who sees once sees all.

After my three diabetes classes the results are already great, I am trying to not be over excited, in order also to not become too frustrated later on. But so far, except yesterday, I am having dream readings of my blood sugars, They are very stable and exceptionally low. I know the risk of having hypoglycemias is greater but it is worth the risk. This is a process of learning that just now started.

Apparently Portugal is playing against Poland, It is better to not watch to not have problems with Justyna. By the way, I am wandering which team Olivia will be supporting in few years.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Diabetics Anonymous

Through the day I was again in the Royal Free Hospital for another session related with diabetes, In spite of what brought us together, I found our group a very interesting bunch of diabetic friends, all with different backgrounds but all very friendly to each other, It makes me remember sessions of the AA-Alcoholics Anonymous. We shared all our ups and downs, bad moods, injections experiences, frustrations and overall the daily routine living with this insulin dependence.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Salmon

Today my princesses bought me some brushes to paint in a charity shop, I am now almost in that stage that I have everything, just need to start to paint more and spend more time around the easel, like a spoiled baby that have everything only lacks of the skills.

Working in the shop leaves me with a good taste and feeling that keeps for all day.
Olivia yesterday confessed that she loves to eat Salmon, she could eat everyday, of course she could not pick up nothing cheaper :) So today I travelled to other shop to buy few packs, as there are cheaper. Hopefully will keep her happy for few weeks, at least behind the table.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Mathematical skills in need

I went to the church in the morning, but afterwards Justyna been infected by the gorgeous weather did not want to go back home, at least so early, I was tired and more in a mood to be around home, so we reached an agreement to go half way to the centre, to Camden, where we met our friend Veena. For a weeks we have not seen her, we missed her very much. On the way to the Camden we sat down in the front seats in the upper deck of the bus, We all looked like a solar panels getting as much Sun as possible as well as vitamin D after starvation through the Winter.

Through this weeks I am attending a course about diabetes and one of aims is to improve my values of glucose in the blood and to avoid complications, even more after this week I was alerted already with some problems in my vision because of diabetes, So all this has grown even more in importance. Helped by the nurses in the hospital I am trying to slowly do some changes in the units of insulin injected, It is like maths, dealing with units of carbs in the food, dividing Lantus, multiplying Novorapid, or subtracting corrections Doses for each unit. It is really a science inside the science, what I am trying to understand bit more, for now my sugars are running very low, often too low. But I hope I will get the perfect balance, soon.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Living in the high road

Today I have the proof that it is not the work or the busy days that makes me tired and put me into a negative mood, it's the other way around. Now in the end of the day I feel happy and full fill for this day.

Me and Justyna for the first day were committed with our own charity shops, I worked in the morning until 1.30 and Justyna was working from 1.30, throughout the afternoon, Olivia again was a magnificent girl, she stayed in my shop until I finished my shift. It was such a great feeling of being in the till and Olivia on the floor reading the books from the shop, almost if we were at home.

This evening after a year I cooked the bacalhau that I had in store, It was great to have our sweet friends Sue and Dennis, lovely to listen Sue's contagious laughing.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hair cut

This morning I was left with the job of entertaining not one, but two little girls, Olivia and her friend Kalina. It is funny for myself to play the role of a father of two girls. It is as if I would need to manage the balance between two daughters, if there is a sweet this must be for both daughters, the same with attention and with the legs. This morning we spent most of the time in the library, we read and played hide and seek. This last game still gives plenty of fun, reminding me good memories and the bringing to the present the pleasure that I always had when I played hide & seek.

From my oncologist arrived the news that I still need to wait probably more a couple of weeks until the funding would be approved for my injections, I hope the answer will be positive and I can have the first injection before I depart to Poland in the Easter.

The older girls went to a party in Kalina's house, where come a friend hairdresser and cut their hairs. So all the girls at home are very proud of their new look.

The picture of the princesses need to wait for tomorrow, they are all sleeping by now, and I am going now as tomorrow I will be back to the shop :) good night

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Early Spring

For almost half a year I waited for this day, just to feel the smell and the colour of the Spring, I know it is too early and we still can have some disappointments, but nevertheless a day like this must be a breakthrough and celebrated. This afternoon I run from my Art class only having in mind to reach home, warm up my food and seat outside in the garden and enjoy the Sun and listen whatever could be listened. And I did it, even if the excitement took my sugars very low.

It is funny I start to have a reputation of an Artist in my road, this neighbour in front of Us who is moving out has offered to me her art left overs, a lot of watercolour paper, but also books for Olivia. This small things are so special.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

"to dust you shall return"

I have been feeling much better today, more positive, for sure this cannot be dissociated from the fact that also today I felt less pain. When we are happier inside everything looks brighter outside. As if it would be worth to look and search for my own destiny and do not stay crying and waiting for everything.

In the evening we went to the mass to celebrate the ash Wednesday, This occasion is to remember that we all are made from the same, Man, Animals and Rocks, and we all are going back to the same original material - dust. It is a part of our life journey to learn how to accept this fact as our death.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Pancakes day

Today I went alone for my second diabetes lesson in the hospital. This classes has a lot of information to get on board and we need to breath very deeply to listen all what the doctors have to say, It is a procession of doctors that pass through the class from different areas that tells us all the possible complications from the diabetes, For a while I had an impression that I was in a horror movie. Regarding to eyes, I have now a bigger discomfort in my left eye, For the doctor in the hospital my problem now detected can be something different from a possible complication from the diabetes, Soon I will go to the GP to speak about this new finding in my Annual eyes checking. From this class also I learnt few changes that I will do in my insulin injections that I hope can bring it a bit downer.

Also, today I called to the oncologist to know if there is any news regarding injections that I will need to take, the nurse told me that they are only waiting for the response from the GP, and in the GP the doctor told me to call him tomorrow as he would sort out this today, So tomorrow I might have the news.

After this paragraphs I am amazed to see how much the hospitals and clinics took over our lives, luckily each day still have 24 hours, so there was still spare hours left to enjoy pancakes in Jean's house and at home with Shubhi and Tom.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Fish with bones

The report about my last diabetic eye checking arrived today in the post, The good news is the problem that they found in my left eye is nothing related with cancer but the bad is that now on I have a problem in the eye that tend to get worse, in the future I might need to get a laser surgery to control the problem in the retina. Pretty scary, if I would not be already in a different boat, even more scary.

The morning I was in the charity shop, the time there helped me to get some peace of mind. Nevertheless, here I can see how little confident I am and how the bad thoughts and low mood can put me away from the people and from a discussion.

I have been tired but surprisingly this afternoon I found some energies to play with Olivia, and it was such a good time, I think we both enjoyed very much, we were trying to fish from a new game that come in the Peppa Pig magazine.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Not in a party mood

We went to Nikodem's 1st birthday, It was good to see him so happy and already walking around. In the party all the falmily was polish exept me, today I was lucky I could distract myself with the television, on was the track cycling world cup. I still like very much to watch any sport, I do not have neither television at home or tickets, but I need to get a place to watch the coming Olimpic Games, the same should say Olivia, because she was also staring for the television.

In spite of the party I was not at the same mood at all, I am feeling very down, and as if I want to go even more down.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Cherry Lodge Cancer Care

Justyna had her first day of work in the charity shop, for coincidence or probably not the charity where she is helping is the same that helps me to live with Cancer. I am very happy and proud of Justyna to see her giving time to this special organization. They are who provides me the every week Reiki and they are always ready to help me.

Today we had the visit of Sergio, Linda and kids, we went to the park, something that we have not done this year yet, today we tried, but it still cold.

This evening I look forward for another injection of good mood, and I need, more Friends episodes on my mind.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Keeping an eye

If I would not have enough, now I have another worry. Today I went for my annual diabetic retinal screening. After doing all the pictures of my eyes they found a black hole in one eye, according to the doctor it does not look related with the diabetes, I asked myself, so it is related with what? The result will be now doubled checked and only after that they will tell me what is the abnormality. This, plus the discomfort in the Liver was enough to bring me down and to question everything again.

It was a very short stay, but it was great to have Cliffy with us again, shame that I was not in my days.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

First time for everything

Before I set up my track to the city for an interview, I had a surprise from Olivia. I already witnessed a lot of first times of Olivia but today was time for the first written words of Olivia. Her first words in the paper apart of Olivia were Mama and Tata, Nothing is perfect as those words were Polish ones, I will need to live with that fact forever.

As I said, this morning I had a meeting in the centre, the aim was to attend an interview with a market research company regarding to a new insulin pens that a certain medical company want to launch in the market, So I was very happy to see all my expertise in the area listened and rewarded.

Because I was very close to Vasco, in the afternoon I passed in his house, the plan was to have a chat and hang around, but in the end I also tried a lot of his clothes that he does not want anymore. In the end, when I came back home was already time for diner. I cannot wait for tomorrow, we will have a guest for a day, our doggy friend Cliff will come to stay a day with us.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Good days, bad days...

I was expecting for this, period of less faith and resistance. I like when I am going through the treatments, but instead when I have this periods without any plans, without treatments, I am going down in my strength to fight the disease. I know this fight is also about this moments, between me and my ghosts. I just need to keep the boat floating. What does not help me to keep calm is the very disturbing sensation in the Liver and in the shoulder, I do not know what is going on there. Hopefully healing :) I am waiting for a call from the hospital to start the injections, it will help me psychologically.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Honeymoon period

Throughout my life The Valentine's Day have never been highlighted in the calendars, often because did not exist a girl friend that would justify to put a sign in my diary to take her out or give a bunch of flowers. To go out in this day was a luxury for the lucky man. It is true, now that I have the opportunity and I am one of the lucky fellows, I excused myself of not being a romantic animal. But today what betrayed us to not have a different day, more special, was the full booking appointments in the Royal Free Hospital. The celebration will await :) I hope Justyna will understand again. All morning and afternoon we have been involved in a session how to cope with Diabetes, it was great to listen all the experiences from my colleges and also the explanations from the nurses, a lot of new things come about, as for example the experience that some diabetic have in the beginning called Honeymoon period. My love had also her moment of glory, she explained how to react if I become unconscious or go into coma because of the diabetes.

Straight after that I had a more serious appointment, I went to see Dr Fusai, I think this might be the last one with him. For a minute I had an impression that if it would depend entirely on him, he would go ahead with the surgery, but after he agreed with the oncologist. I have several tumours in different areas, and as the doctor said to remove all of them would not help me in the long term. But the final decision is to keep with the treatments and try to keep stable the disease. Even without big celebrations, but we are very tired from our classes and emotions. video

Monday, February 13, 2012

Book man

It was a day tailored to improve my mental health, In the charity shop they gave me my dream work, organize and tag the books in the shelves, It was a long job but I was in heaven, to organize by alphabetic order, and to look more in detail to separate by subject, fiction, romance, food, diet, gardens, I flicked everything. It is a shame but I know that the Book will have also its final days. Anyway, this is not a day for negativism.

I had also a great time in my Reiki session, again I do not remember much, because I was all the hour half sleeping. The therapist keeps tell me that I am a person of Water, I should live close to the Sea, One day I will do that.

Tomorrow we will have full day in the Royal Free Hospital, Justyna will come with me for my first class of a course about diabetes. It will be four full days and it sounds very promising, we will speak everything of this World. And in the late afternoon I will have an appointment with Dr Fusai, my surgeon. There is not many new things to be discussed, the situation is still the same, It is true the tumours have decreased size, but Dr Fusai once told me that he cannot operate me because I have few small tumours, so the situation is still the same. Olivia will be in the morning with Vasco, to keep her away from the Hospital as much as possible.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Friendly laugh

Outside was for sure a very cold Sunday, but indoors was instead a much more suave day. Justyna has now overcome Olivia and myself as the one of the family in worst condition because of the flu, Everyday are new developments regarding to the virus, let us see who is better tomorrow. Probably because of that as well I did not feel great, more even psychological, as if empty inside. Those feelings are always difficult to describe, and even more when there is no reasons for that. I guess I just need to thrust in the time and let the clock and the nights do its job and cure it.

A long time ago I have been looking for the medicine to help me to fight my disease and this grey days, I know I was missing laughtherapy, and this days I am finding the perfect instrument, Slowly I have surrendered to the TV serial Friends. Before I never gave importance to this program but now I am really enjoying to watch with girls.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Gold mine

My days in the charity shop are ruining me :) I am just sitting down over the Gold. I am all the time receiving donations, and of course I cannot be indifferent to such a lovely books that sometimes come into my hands, and even more towards the stuff to paint. Of course, there is no favouritism or any discount. If I am interested in something I am allowed to reserve it, so when I finish my shift I can buy it. I spend today so much money there - it is another paradox of this job, usually you work to get money, I spend my money at work :{ at least I know it is all going to help children in needs. I am so happy with a purchase of a great old case of watercolours and few more accessories. I did not forget Olivia too, I brought her a complete collection of books from one of her favourite characters. Today's reading session almost had no end..

Friday, February 10, 2012

Building up confidence

The half term has arrived, Olivia started her holidays few days ago due to her flu, that still in her, Yesterday I had my last Art lesson, and today was Justyna to start the half term. Out of the school but on the Work :) I will do my bit in the shop, which I am helping but also I have the feeling that I am being helped by them as well. A lot of years out of the work let me with a big hole in self-confidence, so I think I need to start somewhere.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Wheel of Life

Today in the class we were around the colour wheel, it is amazing that some painters built up their works from only three primary colours and even what the printers capture is maid from this three colours: Yellow, Blue and Red. In the beginning it is difficult to believe in it but everything that we can see comes from this. This made me reflect, probably the same happens with Life, We can experience hundreds of things, that make us happy, sad, frustrated, etc. but all that is combination of very little things, and those are what matters. Myself decided to recreate the Wheel of Life, and I detected at least one primary feeling, Love. To finish my theory I would need two more feelings/colours but I could not think about any other as important as Love, Probably Life should be based only from tons of Love.

Funny things keeps happen in our lives, this morning Justyna was telling me that she would like to do some charity work, and half an hour later, I had a call from the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care shop, as they need somebody to help them in the shop, I answered that I cannot as I am already committed with Noah's Ark, but of course I remembered about Justyna.

Tonight I had my last session of spiritual education, it was a wonderful journey together with other friends, place where I always felt secure and very open to learn. It is amazing what we can learn and take, from everywhere.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Polygamous tics

Nobody is immune to the virus, Firstly was Olivia after myself, slowly also Justyna has been attacked and today was Goshia who was struggling because of the bug. All the community is fighting against the flu. Goshia has been with us for more than a month and to be honest we feel her already part of the family, we have meals together, we watch films in three. It is as if she would be my second wife :)

Because of Olivia not being able to go to the nursery I spent the morning and afternoon with her, In spite of the problems it is always great to spend time with her, they are moments that I tend to live them as much as I can.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Inspiring nights

Today myself and Olivia come back to the routine, once in a while we both end up in the GP, normally we are ill at the same time, I guess it is a matter of familiar solidarity, which Justyna insists to not follow. In the morning it was Olivia to see the doctor and in the evening me who saw the same doctor, both we were complaining with sore throat, even if only Olivia had fever. But now I have the feeling that we are all much better. Probably. we are paying for our courageous trip to the cold mountains of High Barnet.

By the way, tonight is expected to be the coldest one, I come just now from the church and believe I was very close to the freezing point, I left one hand out of the glove while I was on the mobile phone, and after took me a while to feel the same hand again. The nights in the church are revealing a great experience, often we are meditating, observing paintings and even listen to the musics, which not always are directly religious stuff. Those are very touching and heartbreaking sessions, indeed.

Monday, February 6, 2012

#I do not like Mondays#

I am now committed every Mondays with the charity shop, soon I will start to say "I hate Mondays" It will be wonderful to hate Monday mornings, It means that I have the health and joy to give some time and work to a good cause. I am still getting use to a lot of new things, to follow rules, to work and more, to come home and feel very tired. This afternoon I spent all in bed, I was very tired and probably also a bit with a cold.

In the shop I love the already traditional visit of my princesses, I always bring Olivia inside the back of the shop and show her what I am doing, It is magic to go around with her. I am sure she also enjoys to see her father working, Today Justyna told me that in the school Olivia was saying proudly to her friend that her father was working in the shop of Noah's Ark

In the afternoon Olivia has been with fever again, she looked very poorly, I hope she will be better tomorrow.

I am in the last week of my retreat or spiritual formation in the church close to me, It is a perfect way to sit down praying and meditating, I come always very serene and calm, I found as well an inspiring place for friendship.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Chalet in the High Barnet

Unexpectedly we found ourselves in our dream holidays and without being necessary to pay for any EasyJet flight, For sure we would not find the same charm in the Swiss Alps as we found today in the Winter High Barnet resort. There was birds in the morning singing out for whoever likes and even for who does not like to listen them, everything covered in white as well. The only shame is of course the top spots were overcrowded and there was not the lifts to transport us to the top to launch ourselves in the abysm again. We had also our breakfast out, and I can guess that the prices that we paid were incomparable much cheaper than if we would go instead to another mountain.

After so intense activity in the morning the tourists except me, decided to have an afternoon nap in our chalet. It is a joy to remember again and again going with Olivia in the sled passing through all the tourists that were going down hill, I just could not stop laugh, we kicked everyone on the way until we been dragged to the big snow in the bottom of the hill.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Italian night

Believe in me, the best way to face the problems is to run away from them, and for that nothing better than transform a day in a minute. There are days that I am going through them at a high speed, I almost do not notice them, and today was one of those, I could not feel or touch this day, So many things happened that I just now in the end of the day, sat down in the sofa and with a wonderful white blanket of snow covering all the view outside, I can reflect and meditate and say thank you and rejoice for another great day.

I spent the morning with Olivia in a playgroup for dad's, and in the afternoon we also went to the countryside centre to see a gentleman who brought a lot of animals and bugs to show to the kids, I was very proud to see Olivia holding in her hands giants cockroach, frogs and apparently much more bugs. I needed to leave early to go to work at the charity shop in the afternoon.

After all that, we had a fantastic meeting in Shubhi's house, I can call it an Italian night, with all the food and drinks coming from that part of Europe. Shubhi and Tom are surrendered to my Latin friends. The way back home turned out a big adventure because of the snow on the roads, with Veena's car struggling to bring us to our home, we needed to be left half way and do the rest walking juggling through the snow and carrying sleeping Oli.

Friday, February 3, 2012

The results

Morning, nothing better to break the ice than a visit to the oncologist, The news were waiting for us in the tray, They were in fact great, I guess, but I was not exceptionally happy, Probably because I still have my dreams and those are still faraway from the reality. The scan showed another big improvement, the nodule in the lungs reduced from 2 to 1 centimetre, but even better, the disease where has been more worrying, in the Liver, has also reduced the size and the blood vessels, what feeds the cancer cells are less dense. All this is good, but the day of tomorrow still worries everybody, because my disease has been behaving very unpredictable, we cannot rely in the results and just wait, thus very soon I will start a new treatment that aims to keep this stability as long as it is possible. This treatment will consist of self injections of a substance Somatostatin, which hopefully will reached the growth-inhibiter's of the Neuroendocrine cells. We were hoping for a rest but unfortunately it is still not this time.

The travellings to the hospital are always very disruptive for my comfort and peace of mind, arising the adrenalin in the body. I came back with the sensation of another day accomplished, as it must be, but to be honest I also felt a bit more that that, that I can run away from this, but I cannot hide forever, Will be a day when it will be more difficult to speak openly about this experience.

At least I have still one choice, to follow the advice from the doctor and enjoy the Life.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Perfect is the enemy of good

Today the time in the retreat was very emotional, it was about sorrow and joy, about mourning and dancing, both are related, inevitable and necessary. During the hour I cried and danced. It was the perfect day to organize my thoughts and emotions for tomorrow's events.

Tomorrow I will have again one of those Big Fridays, it has been already a while without appointments in the hospital, In the Royal Free I will be told the point of situation and what is next. The results of the CT scan done few weeks ago will be revealed. I am positive, perhaps the experience tells me that there is nothing I can do, actually a long time ago I already lost the control of my destiny. Justyna was asking me what would be a good news for me, I told her what I feel, that it will never be what I want. The Best is always the enemy of the good.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Sagittarius

The temperatures are now more likely, at last we will have the flavour of the Winter. I am carrying on with the course in the church, which I am enjoying specially when I am going in the morning. It is great to pray and mediate in the group, to listen Musica Divina, but even more to meet people, There are lovely people around here.

Regarding to issues more Mundane, I had finally sign the contract, it means I have from now on already someone in my house in Portugal, One less headache.

Sorry for another picture without me, I think today I found the reason why often I do not come in the pictures, and was unconscious, I found out that I have a horse head shape, and I have been running away from that reality.