Tuesday, May 31, 2011


In the morning I was expecting a routine appointment with my GP to organize few checks that my oncologist asked me, but I ended up to discuss by his request what would be my last wishes for my last days, if I would like to speak about that future. I confessed that for a while I did not understand very well what was his point, Only after few answers and seeing that he was not happy I understood the point. But, I apologised him as I have never have given too much thought yet for those days. All this is not a shock, The life and its borders in the last years has expanded a lot, the board is able to take much more, but also not sink. No bad feelings, doctors are mainly professionals, and this is not a critic.

In Afternoon I went back to my normal environment, among friends, John came around and we went to spend some time in a Garden Centre nearby, Great Sunshine to warm up our spirits and to help us to see the light. And in the evening we met Vasco and his parents, It was a great time to enjoy time together, with calm and having a great meal in his Restaurant. Thank you, also to the friends to help this boat going.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Man for half day

Have you heard about a Man of inch and half? and about a Man for half day? so the last one is where I belong, for now.... This morning was to remember, we had an inspirational walk through the fields of the beautiful Trent Park with the family. I could see not only me but everybody full of happiness and enjoy the company of each other. We all took the most from the view of the green trees, the smell of the grass, the noises that cleared up our brains from any bad thoughts. Tazz looked as doggy. The morning felt as a full day and probably because of such a short long morning in the afternoon I collapsed :) The side effects from the radiotherapy are now arriving testing my skills to found energies in the small things. Afternoon nap become a routine and to not do nothing is another great hobby.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Again in contra cycle

I asked so many times for more days like this, and slowly they are coming back, The light again darken the darkness. The drugs took away the pain that I was having in the Liver which I guess had a big rule to boost my moral. I feel to smile and face this 3 months until the next stage with all the best energies to take this stage to a good port. The Life is a cycle and for now I am in upper cycle, I need to take advantage of it.

We had the visit of our friends but today special it was great to welcome Vasco's parents in our home. Funny to have here two friends from childhood, Vasco and Sergio. Afterwards, we had the visit of Justyna's cousins.

Saturday, May 28, 2011


The day went slower, which I do enjoy as well. Sugars are again very very high due mainly to the steroids that I brought home and I will need to take it for more 5 days, The same steroids is not helping me to sleep, it is a thousand times more effective than the caffeine. Nevertheless, I had a generous night sleep given the circumstances, Before 6.00 AM I was already downstairs, fresh and happy. The treatment renew all my hopes, It is like if the cards were shuffled again and the game would restart, the next game hopefully will be better. AT least the pain that I was having in the Liver in the last 3 weeks, has released. If it is only psychological? I do not know. But the doctor said that this Yttrium tends not only to reduce the size of the tumour but also to release the pain, So I am welcoming the Yttrium.

Soon after the princesses woke up I went for a walk around, I was in need for the fresh air and to see anything outside, people, trees, everything was a delight. The freedom it is such a thing, and we only give all the value to that when we feel it escaping or you are deprived of it.

Always beautiful things are happening, For the first time last Thursday i missed one Art lesson, because of been hospitalized, But my neighbour and also colleague in the class did me a surprise, she brought me a beautiful post card from all the classmates, mad of watercolours with a lovely message, I was very touched. Additionally she handed me a big summary of the last lesson in order to learn everything what happened there. And today she came to visit me and lend me a lot of water colours and materials so I can practise the water colour technique, totally new for me.

I took advantage of the good mood that the family had today and I tried to learn together with Olivia how to play the guitar using lesson in the YouTube, Olivia enjoyed and I think she is progressing quicker than me.

The garden is requiring more hands to pick up the veggies that are getting ready to the table, and this is a job to Olivia.

Friday, May 27, 2011


The first treatment arrived and I came already home this afternoon. I need to recognise that the things went very smoothly, over my expectations. We were in Hospital yesterday at 11.00 AM and I left today at 1.00 PM. The day was raining which made a perfect day to be in a Hospital.

As I expected I had a very busy afternoon in my private suite, started with the infusion of a protein to protect as much as possible the kidneys from contamination, The order was to drink and drink bottles and bottles of water to pass out as quick as possible all the radiation that went to the kidneys. And after all the explanations and paper work, before 5 PM the team of doctors from the Nuclear medicine arrived, Olivia and Justyna had orders to kiss me and to leave, from there was me and the Yttrium 90, There was a big ritual that I witnessed before the infusion of the radiation started to be pumped through a drip aiming the Liver. They set up a barrier close to the doors from where nobody could pass forward and neither me leave, the toilets were covered with a extra floor, and the doctors completely protected started the procedures with all a concentration, checking and double checking the machine, with soft and so gentle movements with all the products that I confess scared me. But at 5 PM all was done and the professionals with job done and well done departed straight away from my room. After, I had about two hours that I was a bit confused but not panic, In the end I have already some experience in this business. Not knowing what I should feel and not sure what I was feeling in that time was normal, I felt for a while back and abdomen pain, I tried to walk in the room and I went few times to the toilets which was relieving, But fortunately after I lay down in the bed and trying to put the bad thoughts in the drawer slowly it became better.

Having so much time ahead and been without almost nothing that can distract me, only newspapers which I read in a flash in spite of the dizziness when I focus too long in the papers, I had other problem to sort out, how to help to kill the next 80 000 seconds. Should I concentrated in a big clock positioned in front of me ticking all the seconds in my ears but not noticeable any movement in the pointers, or instead look incessant to the drops of the fluids, that I was still receiving. To be honest I preferred the last one, I was already counting a thousand drops past through the drip when I looked again to the bottles, they looked also with the same quantity left, So I though that I could not go anywhere with this tactic, I will be crazy :) The sensation of have your space limited does not help as well to relax. Having said that all the people as usual are unforgettable, They are there for you.

Fortunately slowly the sleeping come, when I felt my legs responding involuntarily with a intense and blunt movement as a kick of a horse I remember to be very happy, that meant I should fall asleep soon. I rested all the night. I woke around 8.00 AM feeling fresh and very positive, with the sensation that not always all goes wrong. Breakfast was in a rush because I have a lift to take me downstairs to have a nuclear scan, which showed activity in the Liver, I was even more happy. The aiming of this product is to kill as much as possible the Cancer cells and wrapped the area to not come back in the same place. There is a statistical ( and I hate statistics, a bit more when they are against you, like the politicians) 70% of the people under this treatment had good results, so for sure the Good news are about to come.

The plan is to have medicines for more five days and to do blood tests every week, which I will do close to my home, For three months I will not need to go to the Hospital, which is a record, To be honest I will not miss it :) In three months I will be back for another session.

When I come out even if I need to keep some distance from Justyna and Olivia I was of course very happy to see them again, but more, I had my great friend Nuno also in the waiting room, Nuno arrived in London this morning from USA, just for a day but it was so special even more in a day like this, Thank you for your care and friendship.

Today this lines are going already long (to compensate yesterday), so I will finished, also to rest. I am feeling very tired, the movements are in slow motion. To be honest I saw already this film.

See your for sure tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Nuclear War

Finally the next adventure arrived, the morning was interrupted by a call to turn another page in this marathon, The call said unknown in the screen, I new straight away even before I picked up, it was a call from the Hospital. For the first time in the last week I felt really happy for what will come. The nurse told me to present myself tomorrow in the Hospital at 11.00 AM, The day will be long. Firstly, they will check my blood to see how is the immune system, after I will have a drip allocated from the arm, in order to received an anti sickness injection, which I was told that will make me feel dizzy, so I should not be alarmed :) Afterwards, I will have injected something that goes all the way to the the kidneys, to protect them from the radiation. Only around 4.00 PM finally will come to action the Truth weapon, One of the rarest element in Earth, Our weapon of mass destruction - Yttrium 90 (Y). Soon after the injection I will have a nuclear scanning that will find if the molecules went to the right places, Which we will hope. All day and night I will stay in the Hospital, more for precautions, because of the radiation of love that I will be involved. All day without the contact of my princesses will be the hardest bit.

Then in the day after if everything will be OK I will be back home to my routine. So tomorrow you will not find me here, hopefully only Friday.

Today morning after the call I was very happy and positive, me and Olivia had a great time in the park with our friends Noah and his family.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Organic farming

This week carries on being myself in charge of taking and bringing Olivia from the nursery, Definitely she changed so much in the last weeks, because of the nursery, when I say changed it is for better, Today two neighbours commented to me that Olivia is more lively. She is fact more happy and silly, Today in the afternoon had the visit of her friend Jean to play with her.

In spite of same accidents, as for example the Walnut tree been cut and damaged by some animal that come to our farm, which we do not know who, a fox? squirrels? neighbour's cat? which hurt deeply our hearts, but so far our Organic Farm looks a story of success, There is potatoes coming out, lettuces peeking, pees climbing to the space, cauliflowers colouring and the reddish radish asking to come to the table. This morning for the first time I took and ate the first radish, It was wonderful feeling to taste our own vegetables. The radish as all the other veges needs to be picked up as soon as possible, not let them grown too much, otherwise who will say thank you will be the worms or the fox.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Tiger in the jungle

I was as surprised as delighted with my first experience of taking Olivia to the nursery. I took her myself there but also picked up her later from the nursery. It was great to receive a big smile and hug when dropped in her World. It is funny, She is exactly in her own World, What is going on inside should be the most guarded secret in Barnet, in our insistence Olivia never tells what happened, what she does. Her answers are always an enigmatic I do not know. She looks happy, and this is the only thing that matters in the parents World.

Justyna still unwell, with a flu. I took the time off from Olivia while she was in the school to go ahead with another painting and to read the magnetic Anjo Branco.

I am now ready to seat down and read while a music with crickets in the background is warming up the atmosphere, makes me remember the glorious nights out surrounded by nature, perhaps camping.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Leaving the bugs indoors

The bug catch Us again, Olivia has been with cough and sneeze and Justyna this afternoon fell on the bed with flu, however now both are looking better. In the afternoon me and Olivia left mother resting and we went out to Maria's birthday party. It was great to see Maria very happy in her new house refurbished, They really did a great job, the house looks beautiful. Also I was very happy to see many friends I have not been in touch with in the last year, I even cannot nominate them as they were so many.

I am keeping in a moderate good mood, waiting for the news from hospital but feeling discomfort around the waste.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Party in Wrabczyn

In another attempt to bring up positive energies from the small things to fight the big things, today I did again a radical hair shortcut, almost nothing was left in the scalp. I am at the moment having a very delicious moments attached to the White Angel, it has been a while since last time I enjoyed so much to read, I guess the fact of the book being in Portuguese makes also the difference. After lunch I went for a coffee and spend some time with my friend Sergio, but in the way back I was alone at home and I made myself a king over the hamac, delicious hours reading, stopping to listen a bird sometimes and back to reading and again stooping just to look at the dancing of branches of the trees synchronized with wind, beautiful spectacle in front of my eyes.

Poland was today more colourful, Joanna- Justyna's mother had her special day. A party to celebrate her birthday.

Friday, May 20, 2011

In the Ballet

Taking advantage of the new stage that looks like Olivia is starting to tread, more social, more open to do friendship and to enjoy herself, we gave her all day to just be a child and be happy. She did her first session of ballet, after session to play instruments, There was still time in the morning to play with Noah in his garden. The lunch was taken in a short window because the afternoon could not await, there was Sophi in the park to have more fun. It is also happy to us seeing Olivia more available to enjoy herself.

Myself, I am still waiting for the last call from Hospital to be told when should I go to have the radiotherapy, meanwhile the Art still carries on.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

White Angel

Who says there is no angels in the Earth is wrong, we know few ones, and our friend Shubhi is one of those, It was the light that entered in our life when there was only dark. She become an example and a life jacket for us. Today she had her birthday, and we shared few but very intense moments.

Meanwhile, after finished the not too much captivating Night train to Lisbon I started to read the White Angel from Jose Rodrigues dos Santos, and to be honest I just want to devour all the paper in once, I am enjoying it very much, It is only difficult to balance with also some time to Justyna, Olivia and to my drawings.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Polish from Algarve

Today was a special day, Finally arrived to our World the baby of Kasia and Rafi. Congratulations to parents and Zosia! It looks, Zosia might be a fruit sow in the Algarve. I guess the baby will have the Polish Passport but the DNA will be influenced very much by the Sun of Portugal, from the Holidays last Summer in the Algarve :)

The other good news come from a call from the Hospital, Radiotherapy is booked for 7 June, But there is a chance to happen before that, already next week. Let us keep fingers crossed to be next week, There is not too much time to waste.

The evening was great having the company of our friend Veena, time to catch up the conversation and for Olivia to show Veena her new books.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


In the window between chemotherapy and the radiotherapy I found another therapy to help me -It could be drawing but it is essentially the vegetherapy. I am sure this one will not let me down. It is from the ground that will come what will calm down the disease as well as me. In the beginning of all this, sometimes I felt almost as a torture to eat all the veges from the plate, but now it is a great joy to eat bowls of row salads and peas, As me I only can see the Elephant eating the same quantity of grass and rejoice.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Artist syndrome

Our first deliver of fresh organic vegetables arrived today, It is a scheme integrated in our new diet to make us eat better and healthier. The vegetables are definitely nicer, and still have the smell of the fields. The same I can say about the taste that I already tried this evening and were great.

This last days I been very prolific creating draws and paints, I am even now suffering from tendinitis in my fingers and hands from that.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sleeping beauty

Slowly Olivia is going through all the stages, firstly got used to the nursery routine now it is also the sleeping routine, She and Us are now sleeping much better. Since a week, Olivia is sleeping through the night without waking up, Before there was always an excuse, like a pee or a cuddle to wake us up in the middle of the night, but now she looks more consistent sleeping through. Time is the best friend.

I had my afternoon engaged with my draws, trying to finish the uncompleted works, the last touches in the draws, to not let them be forgotten.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Teddy and Bear's picnic

Great afternoon in the garden with our friends Rob and Sandra, We had the second Teddy Bear's picnic of the season. It was fun to be outside, speaking and tasting the vegetarian meals from Justyna. The Teddy Bear's picnic was excuse to meet up again, and enjoy the company of each other. Oli made a great friends with the Teddy and the Bear who came with Rob and Sandra. The adults took the most of Olivia's present, watching the Babe Pig in full while Olivia has long asleep :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Small artist

I had a full day of Olivia, Justyna went again to visit Kasia, as now she is very close to deliver her small baby. Meanwhile, me had and Olivia did almost everything together, computering, reading, library, park, eating, puzzles, drawing and painting. To be honest I abused a bit of the cartons in the computer, those films are always the easiest way to entertain Olivia without too much spent of energies from myself. Probably because I being so close to her and dealing all the time with Olivia today, in the table, in the park, I found so many progress in her language skills, humour and in her reasoning. It is already the girl Olivia which impressed me with her draws and paintings, 100% made by Olivia, I was impressed :)

Thursday, May 12, 2011


The days and years are passing so fast, Olivia turned three years and arrived the time to Olivia pick up her treasure ark, full of books. She was very happy with the surprise.

Today Olivia brought home her closest friend from the nursery, Coincidence or not she is also Polish and also calls Olivia, She has been the best friend for Oli and who is in charge for our Olivia's well being in the school. We can say She was the key to Olivia settle in the nursery, The other Olivia sees Oli as a younger sister. And the fact of both speak the same language helped Olivia to go through.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Purple colour

It was the Day for the therapies, I did my Reiki, which was today very intense, An hour of intense concentration, It was great to listen in the end the therapist saying that she was doing sessions for long years but in this session she was for the first time able to see colours, Her visions was awash with by the Purple colour, Good sign :) I was also very relax and joyful afterwards.

The second part of the day me and Justyna spent in the psychotherapist's sofa, For the second time we had this sessions to try to find new ideas and ways to deal with our circumstances, special how to make Olivia happier. While in the clinic Olivia was out enjoying with Shuby and Tazz, having an ice cream and playing in the park.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Male day out

A different day, different routine, I went to Camden Town to sit down a while and speak with my friend Vasco, We discussed our eternal doubts about Life. The Park was beautiful with the Sunshine. It was the perfect afternoon to relax and to be calm. For a long time I did not have a male day out, full of conversation that only Us can understand.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Eat to Live

I have got the feeling that the things are tending again to the normal, at least as much as it is possible. Normal here means to me not only Good but Great. I am definitely feeling more positive and with more energy, leaving often the heavy business out of my brain again, as I must do in order to breath and not be suffocated within the bad thoughts. Today I took out the old bicycle from the storage and I joined Olivia in a trip to the Park, she in her tricycle and me in the bicycle. Olivia in the Nursery it is not anymore an issue, She looks now settled. It was a big surprise for me the way in the end the Nursery was sort out.

Related with the Nursery there was another bit of a good news, The Borough decided to fund few hours of Olivia in the Nursery, a good help, Also means more money for our New Diet. To carry on a diet based in a lot of fresh greens stuff, row veg, it is paradoxically a luxury, must be seen as an investment, true that I am hoping for a return in my health :)

The next step to adapt to the new Regime is to find a new balance in the Insulin that I need to Inject, The body is requiring much less insulin now.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Toxic environment

Since last week this house become an authentic factory, All the family has been very active. The alternative diet based in a lot of vegetables, salads, most of them raw, added and flavoured frequently with beans is making the most from our intestines. I am the King but I have followers, Justyna is the Queen and Olivia is of course the Princess of the Farting. The smell is abundant but the fact of we being used to it, help to survive in this environment.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


I missed so much a day like this, Am I on the way back to where I must be, to carry on fighting? I do not know, But at least I had the flavour again of a great day. The brain was busy with friends, distracted to not worry and think about any pain and to not hold any bad thought. Happy birthday to Wilf, and also happy day for all of us who come to his picnic party. We laughed, walked, played football. Thank you Wilf.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Silly season

Olivia was all mine for one day, Today she was off from her school and mother had some time off as well to meet with her friend Kasha. I was again tired and down through the day, I feel the pain in the back slowly returning, But it is a privilege to be with Olivia. As mother told me and is right, Olivia is more silly, more as a child, I never seen before Olivia dancing as today, I could not believe to see Olivia dancing and laughing with the music. Shame right now the Mothers of all Disco Dance in the red light of Lisbon has shut, She might not be able anymore to dance as I did in the Jamaica and Tokyo Discos.

I have been nervous I think due to the fact of knowing that the tumors are increasing their size but more even because I am waiting for treatment that I do not know when I will have it. Nevertheless, today I called the Hospital to see if they do not forget about me, and the nurse told me that I should have my bullets in June. It is not good but also not too bad, So I need to wait to go somewhere.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Creative area

Olivia has her second day alone in the Nursery, To be honest we were not prepared to see her settling so quick, It is Justyna who is now finding harder to be so many hours away from Oli :) justyna needs to learn how to use more time to herself. I am very happy for Oli, I think this new step will be very good for her, She will find another World outside from home and only with her parents, A World more infant, with less problems, more happy, and waiting to be discovered. Justyna was telling me that she already finds Olivia more silly and childish, The way any child with 3 years old must be.

Funny that I was having a parallel Live with Olivia this afternoon, both painting a mile away from each other.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Grown up girl

Time is the best remedy for everything, we should already know that by now. Time associated with patience cures and heals the worst and the incurable. It is in that state of mind, that never was my best attributes, that now I will try to go everywhere.

Olivia gave me today a big lesson of being patient and where the calm can take Us. When today Justyna took Olivia to the nursery we did not expect that Olivia would be so prepared to be left alone there, for the first time Mother told her that she was going out for few minutes and would come back very soon, Olivia almost did not complain and accepted, and apparently played and enjoyed very much the rest of the afternoon. The teacher was very nice, she was sending pictures to us to show how Olivia was getting a good time, and to us not be worried. Then, Olivia was left in the school not for a few minutes but for full 3 hours. We felt very happy and proud for her. Of course after she deserved a treat with an ice-cream and a present.