Brightness behind the darkness

Ola,

Another weekend left behind, and another week is ahead, even if I am not working at the moment but for me also the weekend means more relaxing and resting time. The week means not work but exams, visits to doctors and troubles. Tomorrow I will need to go to the UCL Hospital to have a regular appointment with the diabetes team, time to discuss and see what is the appropriate levels of insulin I should administrate to myself. Afternoon I am planning to go to the nurse to remove three stitches in my leg, related with the biopsy to the skin to check from which substance I had allergy. More forward in the week I will meet again with the surgeon probably to speak about the last operation and I hope to set a date already around this month for the next surgery.

This afternoon reserved us such a great surprise and honour, having the visit of my lovely friends Ian Small & Renee in our house to share the lunch brilliantly cooked by my mum, a delicious Caldeirada de Peixe (Fish Stew). Ian as I told to him already was my inspiration for all what did come after they diagnosed me with the terrible Cancer in a time that I was not still prepared to manage with that concept. The first day the nurse dropped me in the room where Ian was, I was alone and just remember to cry like a child perhaps 5 minutes if not for sure 2 hours, I could not understand the world any more, at that time I was convinced that address would be my last one.

But if I went deep in that day I also found the structures that would helped me to turn over the situation afterwards. I remember that I desperately needed to speak with some friend, and fortunately I had the visit in that afternoon of Sofia, Patricia, Filipa and Marta, what did not allow me to go even deeper. At the very beginning I did not imagine the high calibre of human being was beside me, only after a couple of hours I realised the intensity and love that was irradiating from the other bed where was Ian and Renee. The atmosphere that I was expecting to meet in the room of the Hospital it was not there, instead of the claim and cry was there the laugh and the positive attitude, instead of selfish was there the constant worrying about you and an advice and an unexpectable and friendly word that never allowed you to go downer. He is a person who taught me how to live the day, with the lesson of his small chocolate bar. Is confuse but Life pass always for our Today.

In the end that room revealed such enrichment for my personality. In spite of the fateful of all who were sharing the room we all saw our family grown with the friends we met there, this includes Richard and Derek. These two friends and family also connected by their father in time hospitalised in the some room and were always ready for a friendly word and to help with anything.

No doubt about that is always possible to discover behind the darkness the brightness.

Today the life paid back us with a great afternoon, after a month it was like a dream that come true facing again Ian and Renee. Now, Ian and myself without the support of any drips and able to share a nice meal on the table in the warmth and privacy of our own family.

Another great day

Ordinary is also beautiful

Hello,

It is good when after such sinuous and tortuous way we have the opportunity to enjoy just a normal single day. Such a lovely day the Gods offered to us, sun was shining all our spirits, and the river Lee opened its arms to show all its brightness. Even the ducks and swans earned extra food because of generosity of my mum, She brought all bread left over and throw to all birds that come closer.

Together we did a walk along the river only stopping in a sympathetic bar on the way and away from house, it was time to sat down and enjoy a tea, substituted of the beer by long time already. But no complains. After just enjoy reading of a book, like if I was in Fonte da Telha in Portugal some years back. Now with the advantage of be accompanied by my family, Olivia did not stop her complicit smiles with me. If it has been hard for me all this time I have seen her in an intermittent basis when I was hospitalised and also now to take her in my lap or in my arms is something that I am still forbidden, but had been balanced with a small tenderness moments with my love. Sometimes I think we know already each other very well for a long time. She always exchange a laugh and a beautiful expression when I need. She is everything.

It is such a pleasure to could relax and for a while forget the troubles and do not do any plans just take the life and the day as it comes.

I hope that the sun keeps shinning behind the summer that now is about to flying away, for all of US.

Kisses

From where all come from

Czesc Kochani,

For one time before any coment regarding to me, I hope all of you are going very well, taking advantage of the good weather, this of course for who outside of UK. I still chase also the moment I will meet again with the seacoast. Where the horizon is the limit for your dreams.

Slowly I am recovering very well. Today I went to the Hospital to remove the Cramp that persisted in my belly, not without some pain but it comes out in the end. I was already scare that I could not air travel anymore, as always I would pass in the metal detector it would accuse and Bip for that small piece of metal.

Meanwhile in The Royal Free Hospital I saw one of the doctors of the Dr Fasai team and I was glad to see her reaction, She was astonished with my state, colourful, walking slowly but firm. She said rarely they see somebody after such an operation presenting my image. She also explained some doubts I had, saying that all looked OK. The sensibility that I lost in the skin around the pancreas is normal and would come back only in the end. The scar is long but it is healing well :)

But not only what we can see is showing signs of improvement, also the invisible factors are going better. Not understandable but my levels of sugars are keeping strangely downer even if I took the decision to reduce a bit the insulin that I am injecting daily. Seemed that the Pancreas now is producing some more insulin. Please keep this with us, It could be only speculation but for sure is my hope.

In other corner the weight increase 500g since I come home and I still in the run for the food, this even if my figure looks more a person took out from the cartons of Bruno Schulz, The trousers are all under my waste, I am walking with one hand keeping the trousers in decent position.

rain of love

In the city with l'Angels

Ola,

According to the plans today morning I went to my GP to remove the cramps or stitches of my surgery, but the nurse in service was not strong enough to remove all, leaving one cramp inside the body. In this way I need to back tomorrow to the Royal Free Hospital to get rid of my Last Cramp. They also will look in the scar if it is healing properly as there is a area were also bled a bit.

Apart of that, sugars keep going well and energies growing as well.

Last idea to thank you for all energy that I feel is radiating from all you. Also your vigilant eye is still guiding me. With all of you does not matter when but I will land in bon port.

Big kiss and Miss you all

I am running away from this guy

Ola,

Not much I still can do nowadays, Living in between the comfort of my bed and the cares of my love Justyna. Even the most easy activity could be such a challenge for me, standing up from my single bed is something that I need the help of Justa and either the washing and cleaning is another thing that made me a total dependent man.

Today I felt tired after my walk, cause I incremented more km in my small walk. For that ambition I paid with tiredness when I came back home. But all normal. Regarding to good news, today I noticed that I put on weight 200 gr, reaching 63.4 Kg, Olivia is almost competing with me.

Hard to deal for me is to know the right amount of food I should eat, if in one side I need to control the sugars levels and also my body is still not able to absorb big portions but in the other side probably because of the big transformation that my body is still trying to adapt, is asking me for more food, I am writing this lines and I am thinking about a nice meal :)

The environment at home is helping so much, now less frequently the bad thoughts are assaulting my mind, I remember in the Hospital the discomfort and pain in my mind was something that I was used to, for that it contributed fact that in my room were three other mates, all of them with cancer and with very complicated situations. In such an environment it is difficult to build up your own confidence. I hope they will forgive me but rarely I opened the curtains that surrounded my bed to speak with them. One situation was scarily very similar to mine but his prospectives were very low, In this context I refused to know any more things even his journey in spite of he wanted to describe me his details. Please forgive me, I know I was coward and selfish.

Few nights I try to sleep listening the pain and the claiming of others, sometimes their tooth shaking because of the fever. In the first nights I was in panic that some of them in the way to toilets would felt in my bed. After I gave up, I never could sleep any minute in that room.

I dreamt for the day they come and told me that the next and last night they will move me to another ward, more light, Thanks God.

I need all of you

Now is my turn, again

Hello,

If there was time the main role was in the doctors side, now after the surgery it past to my side again. Few but big things I need to take in all the days of my recovering. No stress, even if the time is not playing in my favour. It means if the game would finish now I would be defeated. I need to keep a strict control of my sugars levels and then my diet to maximize all the healing process.

With all that in my mind today it was a calm and relaxed day and with a small steps forward, The allergy looked that it improved, the rush is not so intense and I hope that will disappear soon. At the same time for the first time the body showed signs that can start to adapt to the new levels of insulin, since the morning that the sugars levels has been in reasonable levels. This helps me to satisfy my appetite, by the way the appetite is something that I never missed even against the prediction of the doctor.

Additionally I went for my daily walk, and it was quite a long walk and I still had some energies left.

Finally finish with this lines and looking in Olivia.

Hugs and kisses

PS: We see me in my recovering bulb

Theatre of dreams

Ola,

It is so good to be back home, Be surround by family, can kiss and listen Olivia crying and have the cares of the nurse Justyna. But of course the things are not the same as when I left house.

Reflecting the major intervention that my body was submitted, my levels of energy are very low. I am passing most of the time lying down in the bed reading and computing. Consequence of been removed almost 50% of my pancreas, now my body requires extra insulin to face the sugars, and at this moment I am all the time with high sugar levels, This means headache and laziness more frequently. The body still needs to settled down for all this changes.
Another consequence that I still need to adapt is an allergy that I catch and I still did not manage, I have a rush in some parts of my body, what is very uncomfortable and does not allow me to sleep as much as I want and I need to recover. The factor for the allergy could be penicillin but there is not sure about that yet.

At the moment I am trying to take all this very easy, the last thing I want is to stress with whatever, I have already an appointment in 8th of September with the surgeon to discuss the last operation and to set a date for the next one. The last chat I had with surgeon Mr Fasai he told me that the intervention went successfully and all the figures showed that my body copied very well. Additionally in the last surgery they looked already inside the liver and this one presents five metastases that needs to be removed before it spreads to other parts, So with this news there is no time to wait, all must be done quick.

But for sure today the perspectives are much better than a month ago, knowing that still a lot to go but the desire and hope are even bigger.

This evening I finished with a lovely walk around my house to stretch my legs and take some fresh air and to proof that there is live outside the house.

Big Kiss