A unique and true love

Para o meu amor, Mae

At this time my mum is already in Portugal, It was the right decision to go to the Algarve in a window when we do not know when will start the chemotherapy and there she can share her love with the rest of the family. She has been so much altruist, giving me so much, Looking only for my comfort, So much love I felt during this time from her, She just abdicated of her own life, giving all her energies and strengths to our wider family.

Not only me, but also Justa and Olivia are different persons because of her giant personality. She had given again all the serenity that I needed, always with a word looking for my comfort, She is unbelievable, She is the star that illuminated me. She is passing the way that any mother would not like to experience never losing control of herself, unfortunately with a lot of pain and suffering in silence, what is the most cruel thing. I need to turn this around not for me but essentially for my mum, Justa and Olivia. I will be a happy man when I can see this human beings happy as well. In a time that I am forbidden to touch in the sweats what a lucky I have to have such a sweet family and of course the sweetest candy Olivia to my delight.

During the next weeks my mum can have a deep breath and also feel the love of the rest of the family to recharge batteries. Also my father can have some normal life back home, after a biggest forced separation since ever. He now can relax more, knowing the news from my mum, Been faraway makes more difficult to cope with what is going on in UK.

My mum left, travelled together with my friend Cristina. Cristina was with us only for one day but it was enormous the spirit and friendly warmth that left behind and we will not forget. Sofia was the only one who remained with us until evening. Together we walked all the way to Stoke Newington having after a Pizza in a Italian restaurant.

I am either happy to see my mum back home and sad because of see her room now empty, we miss you already. I was thinking if all of us could respect and love everybody as we love and respect our mum, how would be the world?

Meanwhile lots of kisses and love for all mums in this world

Blessed man

ola,

I would not mind to live with the cancer if in return the life would give me more days like this, our thoughts were almost allowed for a day to have a day-off of bad believes. For this contributed the visit of two friends, Sofia and Cristina. They come and disrupted all our quiet day bringing more sun and happiness to our routine. We went for a walk until a park, challenging the rain, having the opportunity to go for a very sympathetic ecological friendly café in the top of the Springfield Park. For a moments we played some cards, making me going back to time of my childhood. To feel as a child or just release a laugh is something that happen with me often when my friend Sofia is around.

In the evening I was experiencing some tiredness but I could not miss the opportunity of Sofia & Cristina to be here and we all decided to go out for a dinner, In good time we went. All of us ,including Robert who joined us later, went to an Indian Restaurant, the atmosphere was great and the food lovely. Most of the time I was observing from some distance all of my friends happy and having fun, Nowadays I feel fulfilled seeing my friends and of course family having a good time, but I hope one day I can explode also myself and have back all the energies and happiness that somebody took from me now. For this also does not help the pain that I have, probably from all the healing process and some adaptations in my digest system.

I feel very blessed for throughout my existence I did and kept so many real friends. At this time if I did not have all of you in my life I would be in a desert and in an emptiness and sad walk through this temps. Since the first minute the GP told me all what was written for me, straight outside her door at the some time Justa brace me and cried I told her that I did not want to dye alone, I want to have as much friends as possible around. Later for a while I was scare when one doctor told us that we needed to be prepare to live with fact that some friends might give now on some distance from us after they knew with what we were living. I know how difficult is also to some friends to lead with this, what to tell me and what to do. But fortunately as I mentioned already to Justa, in my case I need to confess that everybody come even closer and surrounded me with all their thoughts and love. Whatever will come I am already a complete and accomplished man.

Today altogether decided that would be time to my mum do a break and go home-Algarve for some weeks, as the chemotherapy will wait at least a couple of weeks. Thus, she is going home tomorrow to see father sister and the new element of the family, Also I cannot forget the dogs. Of course I will missed her but she needs to relax, it has been a crazy and stressful time for all of us.

Kisses

The Ballet still on

Hello lovely friends,

Another weekend is approaching in a strong pace, and probably you have the same sensation as I have, I am feeling the time just flying, actually I do not have the perception of time anymore. The events that use to make me aware about that convention: the job, the cinema in Monday, the jogging in the evening, I lost already. The beacon of each day for me is only the days of important meetings with doctors and the days for an operation or when there is perspectives of any important decision.

The strategy now undertaken by doctor Fusai, the operator as he called is Wait & Watch, because it makes depending the operation or any other intervention from the behaviour of the tumour with the chemotherapy. Personally I do not like the idea in itself, It sounds that the life stopped until the revelation of the ultimate decision, surgery or not. Honestly, I do not like but I confess very often I see my day following that. Sometimes I need to be pushed by Justyna to keep doing things that I used to do in normally basis or even trying to reach some moments of pleasure, sometimes almost forgotten. I need to be more demanding with myself and do not think so much in the future and focus only in the Today, even more now after this deception.

Today I heard a comment from my friend Pajó that was curious but made sense, when yesterday I mentioned a clock bomb that I would have to carry with me for the rest of my life, as he said is something that can play in my favour, All of us are already carry a clock bomb during our life, the clock is always counting and ticking for everybody, of course if in a quantitative terms I can have a prospective of a shorter existence but in other side it gives me the opportunity to face the same life in different way, gaining in qualitative terms.

As some of you already know I never been the best dancer in the world but after the operation and the performance that was asked me to undertake I became addicted and now at home there is not any day that I do not used my sexy anti embolism stocking to the rehearsal for the next play. By the way I still open for bookings but only in the biggest stages in the world. I am so slim that I am able to fly :) Promise

Enjoy your next day

Long, long journey

Ola,

As I said yesterday, there is nothing that a good night sleep does not help to wake up fresher and arise confidence in our aims. This night even if pasted wrapped in a lot of nightmares but the morning brought me again the tranquillity and serenity that I need. A more positive and active attitude in contrast with the tiredness that I suffered yesterday. I was naïve when it crossed my mind the idea of the “mother of my battles” it would be quick and clean, like if it would be just around the next corner, No, as I learnt in the beginning this battle will be long, painful and will required all the energies from me, Not possible to move or change the track and target until all the bullets are shot.

Today it was necessary to see the nurse to conclude a procedure since the operation has been waiting due to the allergy I developed. Then today the immunization referent to the lack of spline saw the light of the day. The vaccination was a composition of meningovax, pneumovax and maemovax which gives some antibodies to fight against some diseases when my spline is not there any more to do this job. Also at last it came out the three stitches I had in my leg, what made the nurse very upset with the extra work.

Finally to remind you, all of your contributed to this special day. I felt invigorated with feeling the energy and the warm from all of you, friends, You are my family as well and I love you all. We know your limitless kindness and care for us :)

You are in my heart

One step back before two forward

Ola a todos

At the time I am telling my day I need to confess that I am bit down, with some tears blocked in somewhere, as I have my eyes dried but my soul is hurt and my heart experimenting some pain. The only thing that is keeping and open me a smile now is my Olivia, She just now felt a sleep with her angelic expression, I cannot have enough of her look, I will fight to have that longer and longer, I promise.

Today we went for another appointment with Dr. Fasai, but rather than last time even if pragmatic this meeting the result were less apotheotic and more cold. We were expecting some date for the next operation but unfortunately the plans changed, Instead of going straight to the surgery I need to submit at least three months of chemotherapy. This is a result from a discussion between different doctors, the base was the examination done to the tumour removed before from the Pancreas. Doctor said unfortunately the tumour looked more malign than they predicted in the beginning, With this fact, firstly it is necessary to test the reaction of the metastases in the Liver for chemotherapy, If stagnate or shrank after the process . This strategy is more reasonable rather than undertake an operation now, and after do the chemotherapy. This could lead to the scenery of a growth of the metastases in the Liver after the operation but then it would be impossible to put me to another surgery.

Consequently, the idea is to meet Dr Caplin and Dr Tim Meyer, last one is the specialist in chemotherapy, and after three months of the bitter taste of the chemicals I would be examined and then I could go for more chemotherapy or already for the operation. For this reason I have already an appointment with the surgeon booked for three months time. And the chemotherapy should start in two to four weeks.

Dr Fasai showed himself optimistic, he said the first operation to the Pancreas was successful and I went very well but reminded me in a frightening ton "a present oncologic patient is a oncologic patient for life" meant I need to live my life without think to much in the clock bomb I will have inside my body. It is hard but I am learning.

This make me think in what my father whose to tell me, nothing is for free and everything has a big price, result is all the journey it will take me much longer time and more pain. Of course Justyna and my mum are always very close, now when I need, and tomorrow I will wake up with different spirit and more optimistic.

Kisses and keep smiling for life

What is out there?

Some time ago I would say that my live that I am cruising now is so boring, but nowadays I cannot have enough of this kind of life. Walking, reading chatting and appreciating prosaic things of our existence, like this afternoon we had opportunity to contemplate the set of the sun or giving the face to a blowing windy. For sure after all this the Helder that we knew is not the same anymore.

The walk that I undertook today was longer than other days also I added some exercises to improve my fitness. I tried to march with stronger movements of arms and a deep breath at the same time like if was in the Army. As if another battle would come.

I am happy as slowly I start to feel my condition back, stronger and also so far I found the new formula to tackle the diabetes, injecting three times a day it worked very well today. The levels of sugar in the blood were under controlled.

Also my evenings are very enjoyable, because if before I was feeling a pain where the tumour was located, now I just feel the pain of healing, which is bearing and much more healthy :) Thus I can read and playing with Olivia at home. In the countdown for the next operation to Liver, I feel weird, if I want that the next operation come quick as possible to turn this page, to another one, at the same time I want that all that days until there could be as longer as possible, probably a desire and pretension that any single day could reserve me something special, be unique.

In advance for tomorrow afternoon meeting with the surgeon, already this evening I took my shower, a task that the smooth hands of Justyna is the must. I am giving all the importance to the appointment of tomorrow, hoping that I will not be disappointed. Without any thought to interfere in the doctors job, I will try to press him to set a date for the next operation. The out come of Tomorrow it still an incognito equation for us, again we can expect all and nothing from the doctors. We will count with your fingers crossed.

Beijos de todos para todos

In between the storms

Hello

We all woke up later this morning, demanding after a rush to get on time for the appointment with the doctor of the diabetes. It was an opportunity to ask some questions and we got really very good and practical explanations. She said to us that the fact that the half of the pancreas that was now remove - the tail, could made the scenery less badly, because the top of the pancreas is the part where the majority of insulin is produced and that one still active, regarding to the liver she was more realistic than optimistic, depending from how much it will be cut it in the surgery, from 50% up to 80%, my body it will need to adapt, and this could take me two years. Because the Liver also stores sugars again the levels of insulin that I am injecting will need to be adjusted.
Additional she advised me to take three times day insulin instead of two and less amount in each, aiming the meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lastly she made me feel that what is waiting for me is not an impossible task, like if some other people have past already through the same.

In the afternoon after the appointment all the family relaxed and did a small picnic in the canteen of UCL Hospital, Justyna brought some salads from the Sunsbury. For moments I looked outside the canteen and I thought how much the things have changed since I have been there last time. Now I could appreciate all the peoples movements outside, the people running around the main streets and metro station, before when I was coming downstairs to the canteen barely I could looked around me, I was living inside my shell.

Though the difficulties we had and the storms that still to approach us very soon, now it is time to enjoy our sailing through the sea, smoothly we are going through different ports and like any sailor before the tempest take advantage to look after other details and organize all to be ready for the big moment.

Love for all