Out of the track

Another appointment in the Royal Free Hospital made all the family to wake up early and move as the nomads do, just instead our bags were full of hope, fear, and love. I was very happy to see again my preferred Oncologist, Dr Gilmore. She is very humane, the closest doctor to my heart that I ever had. It was beautiful too see Olivia holding hands with her, like to see my Love being friend of the worst enemy of the Cancer, It is a case to tell a friend of a friend is always my Friend. Not all is good news but when the things are very well explained, in the eyes the pain is more bearable. The doctors meeting concluded that in fact the cancer is again more active and there is signs of a new legion in the Liver found out in a very detailed examination that they did. Definitely the Sunitinib is not getting its aim, From tomorrow I will give up those tablets, also because the next step, the Radiotherapy cannot be performed as the same time as I am having those pills because both damaged the bone marrow. To be honest the Sunitinib will not be missed in this House.

Speaking with the doctor I reinforced my impression that I am playing a game of catch up, or a run that I am keeping failing for few inches to catch the Cancer, and now I am again few inches behind It. Firstly it was after the operation apparently there was few Cancer cells left in the Liver that not allowed to this become a past, now few weeks ago there was a debate whether I should have another surgery to get rid of the Cancer in the Liver, This would be possible only if the Cancer showed stable, but just in the last moment the scans told a different thing, So all this plans were postponed for an eventual day that can be stopped again and be stable its march. In the appointment I was very emotional, also because of tiredness, and I asked the doctor with a tear in my eyes what is my future and Olivia's? she did not paint the scenery pink but gave also hopes, which is the only thing that I need, She hopes that the radiotherapy will have a good effect, and whatever happens this is still not the end of the line, because there is more treatments in the shelves, inclusive few new encouraging Drugs. After, I smiled, happy with this lollipop.

In this way, we left the Hospital with our bags full of good and bad thoughts. The wheels are still not on the track and this was proved when in the Underground station we lost one of the wheels from Olivia's pram, which fell to the train line. It was surrealistic the events after, I called the emergency of the station which came downstairs with a torch to see where was the missed wheel, For that they needed to stop a train that was approaching the station, So for a minute we had our moment of glory and fame, everybody in the station was looking for us, and probably whole London underground have been disrupted for a single minute because of Olivia's pram, Our deep apologises. After all went smoothly.

In the afternoon it was great to have the visit and company of my friend Sergio, all of us went for a ride in his car to Justyna pick up wool for her new hobby, Nowadays I am feeling as a child, I am so excited and happy just to go in a ride in a car.

Tajine

Today I have been very tired, I guess the tomorrow's appointment in the Royal Free Hospital is playing a big role on that. Nothing cheers me up, all sounds plain and depressive. Even on the stage of the Art class I was not able to dream as usual, Normally those are my best couple of hours of the week. I was not there for the first time. The problem was not for sure the Dark nature and the untidiness of the charcoal, otherwise. I confess the only spot that make me smile was the prominent Tajine.

We can be constantly happy, But while unhappy, the fact of once being happy will not make us happy again.

Justyna and Olivia were busy in a different mission, they went to have a lunch with the baby Kasia, Happy Birthday.

Socratic thoughts

After 2.5 years I had again a Reiki session. I still keep good memories of those first sessions in the UCL Hospital, which helped me to keep the head above the water. Today it was in the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care. The therapist was a great professional, and very human. She told me that was in love with my hair that is why she kept touching and passing energies through my head. The Centre was also receiving works of maintenance as myself, The builders were constantly drilling with powerful and noisy drillers, But surprisingly I took advantage of that to focus in those machines as if they were surgery tools which were cracking down also the stones and tumour in the Liver. I am curios to see the results :)

It was a very relaxing session and even more important now, when I am feeling very unstable and distress. Afterwards, came the best, I had Justyna and Olivia waiting outside, to take me home. Our walk had a stop in the park and in the bar of the park for a coffee for Justyna, a tea for me and a Babychino for Olivia. Probably, influenced by those intellectual fluids Olivia before home still asked us to stop again as she was deeply thinking, she did not say what it was about.

Evening was again a therapy of cakes and cakes.

True Love

I had a very busy night last one, I could not sleep; stress, hypoglycemia, belly pain, Olivia waking up constantly? The reason I am not sure. Actually, I think I know the reason for all this restless nights, and finally I got courage to tell Justyna the real reason. In the middle of the night I could not stand anymore this sensation that burns my head and heart. Justyna is now aware about everything. I have another Love as for Justyna. I am in Love for the small Olivia.

It is even more hard when I have this blank nights, I am waiting desperately for the morning to give a kiss to Oli and play with her. This afternoon we had our shopping therapy in the Sainsbury's :)

Caterpillar

I cannot wait for the time and weather that would let us stay longer outside of our Cocoon, at least to enjoy our garden, see the flowers coming out, and sit under the Sun. This is still only memories or wishes as for now is the cold that is arising again, The only good place to stay is indoors, I would not complain too much, because I have Justyna and Olivia, With them, together and close I am felling always secure wherever I am.

This Friday I will restart my visits to the Oncologist and I would know more about what they want to offer me. It is true that often I prefer to stay at home and do not go to the Hospital and pass through the usual distress, It is like if would be better to not know what the doctors have to tell me and only rely what my mind says. Nevertheless, this time is also my body, some pain in the Liver, which is advising me to go to the Oncologist.

Fat Sunday

The first window appears in the sky and we were outside, It was a short walk through the field but enough to bring home tons of mud. Afterwards, it was better, a relaxing tea at home with the team. I would called this a Fat Sunday, as was full of friends, but not because of they been fatty. In the evening Olivia had the visit of her close friends Krishna and Veena. She did not lose the opportunity to show them her new toys.

Meanwhile, the first days of the year are marked by my huge efforts to unlock my Polish language. Only today I realised that this is my New Year resolution. Everyday is increasing the list in my notebook of Polish words that I know, It is also true that everyday others are erasing from my memory, but I guess this is like all the fights, we must be persistent. And fights are with me :)

Last thing that I would like to share with you is this link with few songs from my talented pianist friend Ryan. You will see, you will not lose your time.
http://vimeo.com/17168217

Sylwester

The New years Eve brought us very close to our friends, We had the visit of Veena that has been away for Christmas. It was great to see her again, I almost got drunk with an alcoholic Tiramisu, A long time I did not know that flavour. She brought us a present that is promising to do our next days very happy, I already started to develop my skills in the Origami. Very good to relax.

In the evening we went to stay and dinner with Shubhy and all the family, A lot of good spirit, friendship but also good food was part of the last feast of the year. The friends were so many that become difficult for my camera to catch all of Us. Today I did my first incursion in the photo shop as you can see in the picture. Ingenues but amateur.

So it was among the alcohol from the Tiramisu and the good spirit from Shubhy's house that Olivia and us came back home for the last moments of the year, This was half an hour to Midnight and would be a crime to let Olivia go to sleep so close to the New Year, she would not never forgive us. It was a wonderful time that minutes until the New Year, a lot of kisses and laugh. I cannot see any better way to start 2011. Later, Justyna was in delirious with her new hobby, knitting with wool, a scarf is already getting shape.