A sentence left behind

Hello dear friends,

Unexpected today and without any reason I felt emotionally very down, fearing that all my effort would not be enough. Probably some anxiety for the waiting of the results of the last exam. Fortunately Justyna was present and pushing for me all day. We are working like a scale, balancing each other. When Justyna notice that I am sad she tries to lift up my mood and transmitting all her good energies and positive thoughts, Sometimes this could be a very demanding exercise, For example in the first days when all this started, it was told terrible things to Justyna, how expectable would be my journey, but the brave Justyna never believed and more never transmitted all this to me. Just looked to me and said to me believe in the future like she was believing, Furthermore, she would go through all this with me.

Going back to the worst days, I need to write this to help me to release that ghost from me. It was some days after the biopsy, It was not necessary to be a doctor or neither have a special powers to know that my case was complicated, however I was expecting news very quick to start also treatment quick, But the worst was just about to happen. A normal day of the calendar the nurse that worked with Dr Webster (Pancreas head doctor) come to speak with me, I remember my mum was sat on my side and cousin in front, This lady took all what I have inside me, after leaving only a big vacuum, I could feel only my soul nothing else, I thought for a while my life finished. This because that lady, even before the conclusive results of the biopsy come to inform me that the Death will be my next station without any doubts. And was the general idea among the doctors.

First she used a current artifice that is asking “you know why am I here?” or “we are waiting for the results from the biopsy and have you got the idea what it could be?” with this she avoided to tell me you have got Cancer, left for me the answer, I know that one of the possibilities is Cancer. Even if not enough she looked strongly into my eyes and made sure that I was right, “Sorry, but the outcome of the biopsy it will be cancer”, After I looked to my mum, and I remember to feel even more sorry for her than for me, she could not understand what the nurse was saying in English to me, but that lady was only sentencing me for an unbelievable and tragic destiny. I tried to kept normal, I do not know how I did, and I said to her OK, but listen I will gonna fight against that and again I looked for her, but from there it was already to late I could not get any hope, she did not believe that I could do anything, She told me “this situation the doctors cannot do to much Helder, there is no operation and probably neither chemotherapy would be worth”, in spite of I showed her, an article sent to me from my friend Filipe, telling cases of people with similar diagnoses to mine and fought it and had improvements.

When she left the room I could not stand without give a big hug to my mum and melt in tears. So many people had passed for these moments and now it was my time. All my hopes and faith that doctors and me could still turn this around had evaporated. In the same day we went to the church and it was the first time I saw my mum crying. I though to myself if a mum cries the son is in troubles. Afterwards, other nightmare was how to say to Justyna the message from that lady, Justyna had gone home to stay a bit with our daughter Olivia.

In the evening we went downstairs in the hospital where there is a canteen that become our space when my numerous visits come and I could not fit all in my room. But this time anything and anyplace could bring me back my tranquillity. Like if was in aquarium and screaming for help and the crowed outside could not listen me. I use to leave close from the hospital and thousands times I passed in the outside of the aquarium and I never imagine the person inside could be me. But this time was myself, So sorry I felt for myself.

After that day the lady of death (I still have a lot of respect for the people that work in the hospital and need to tell this terrible news to the patients, I am sure nobody likes) still come around but all the time I refuse to speak with her, pretending that I was sleeping, so scary I was to speak with her again. Fortunately today my hopes and attitude changed but I will never forget that day.

Today as I told in beginning it was a tough day, only I started to enjoy myself with the meditation lesson, even if so hardly I could relax and focus in what the teacher was telling. To finish the evening Justyna took me for a Japanese restaurant in Soho, it was good to remind the vibrant atmosphere of Soho.

See u soon :)