Friday, January 15, 2010

Treatment needs

Again in the Chemotherapy route, with Fridays blood tests and appointment with Oncologist followed the Mondays chemo sessions, So great. The horizon are not great but sometimes we need to do what we do not loved, It is not the first time and will not be the last one. It starts this week but nobody knows when will finish. The conversation with the Oncologist are now always vague, so frustrating to not have answers, Sometimes I think if I need to be beaten by this please just do it quick. Always, that I am going to see a doctor or I receive a letter I am keeping looking for a small hope, some word, some little phrase from the doctor that would boost and increase my moral, but that green light never comes anymore, probably has gone, I thought I already past the grief time but No, It is always difficult to understand and live just for a day. I only feel my heart much more hard, less sensitive, I cannot cry anymore, not only because I cannot but also because I do not feel for that, I wish I would do it. This in contrast with Justyna that do not know how to run at the same path as me, not having plans is something that would require another full live to learn how to live it.

In the reception I am pretending to be coll, but as usual I am always observing the patients, there is a member of the club that I know his face since I joined the team, He should be my age but each time I come to the ballroom room and see him he looks few years older, Today it was hard to see him, with such a pale face and wrinkles taken all his youth face. With all the love for him but it is hard to not seem me there one of this days.

Definitely I need chemotherapy to increase my moral and disguise the small pain in the Liver.

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