Bob Marley

Everything is in the hold, waiting for something that nobody knows what, Probably a call to come to the hospital to do the radiotherapy, or probably just waiting for a good day. Today, it was encouraging, I felt more positive for a short periods making me believe that my mood will arise again. I remember in the morning to enjoy very much a album from Bob Marley, His hits normally makes me cry, I do not know really from what, if from happiness or if from the opposite, sadness. I am also enjoying more and more a draw left to finish from Portugal. Tomorrow, I will have again my Reiki massage :)

Sow better days

The old strategy is still not working, trying to keep busy not always works, I am still faraway from find any peace. All the family, including Shubhy and Tom went this morning to the garden centre to shop. Justyna was in heaven, She loves flowers, everything from the ground makes her in the sky. She had her day totally fill up with gardening, just now I could see her back home from the garden :)

I am all the time nervous and in tension, There is no book, no draw that makes me calm down and enjoy whatever. Even Olivia found me often upset with her, probably not always I was right :(
I am going through those days when the brain finds pain everywhere, sometimes virtual. If there is a cough and I am breathless, straight I think it is the Lungs that are sick, If I have pain in the Liver it is the Liver sick, If it is in the Left side is something else... Sometimes it is a discomfort everywhere plus the erratic sugar levels. Today for a couple of times I just landed in the bed in order to avoid to lose all the plot. I want better days.

Dim balance

The days are not to forget, sadness is what is fuelling my digest of all the last events. Sadness and tears would bring me up again to go through the radiotherapy and to melt down the intruders. Behind the sadness I am finding the tranquility and calm to not wreck.

Olivia understands what is going on, today out of the blue she came to me and told me that Next week you will be Good, I will trust on her wisdom.

Sun when I want

The Sun is shinning again, actually it always shines whenever we want, we just need to have our heart open, The bad days often are our choice. I do like to Live and to taste the smallest things of it but I confess that more and more I am feeling less and less committed with it, as if I am not the owner of my Life. I am not able to do much more demands from it. But I am not unhappy with that. It is a different perspective and also enjoyable. I am just doing my part, carrying on.

Memento

Another day, In the morning I tasted again one of those days that I would prefer to keep under the bed sheets, But Olivia and mother did not give me any chance for that. We are trying to fight the adversity with the weapons that we have, Good mood, good friends, keeping busy, drawing and painting but overall to use my weak memory that keeps my brain in the present and not escaping to the past neither to the future. Future is a word for Us that does not goes behind tomorrow, At home we are forbidden to flick the calendar for the next month until we definitely jump to the next month. Today is what we have and I do not want to lose nothing.

Endless way

Nothing is working anymore. The same routine as usual, doctor called us to the appointment to listen the news about yesterday's scan, but this time the outcome was even harder than usual, It never past through my mind. The doctor apologised few times, he was going to give me news that he did not want to give The chemotherapy did not work at all, the tumour in the Liver has increased size again but worst, there is another lymphoid spread through the body, now grown in the Lungs. This was a bomb that did not burnt me forever, and I do not know why? Sometimes I would like to feel the reality, to sense which path I am going. Apart of some cramp in the stomach the first thing I did and I do remember it was to look straight to Olivia, and I met her eyes looking for me with all the pity of this World.

I have two realities, One is the scenery given me by the doctor in an apologetic and realist way, saying the worst, and in the other side is scenery given by my body and which is faraway from all the cataclysm, I am been feeling with energy and without pain, So I need to stick with the second option. In the end I might teach something to the doctors.

The next treatment will be radiotherapy, I will need to recharge batteries and keep all the faith and hope in this new treatment as if I would start this path right now. It is the only way to go somewhere not expected.

To carry on with the day as normal as possible I needed to climb a mountain to make myself go to the Art class, and in a good time I did it as I found myself with the good times.

There is a lesson that I will keep always with me, a sacred person said once watch your mind, never give space and time to the mind to have bad thoughts, This is the fuse for the bad reality. The person which said that left Us few days ago, Sai Baba was a person which does not belong to anybody or religion, He belongs to everyone who is lucky to find him.

Back to the nursery

Olivia went back today to the nursery, In spite of what the images suggest the reports from mother and teacher says that she was great today, enjoyed playing with other kids. Slowly, I am sure she will get used to this new step. In other dimension, I had my CT scan and tomorrow I will be back to the Hospital to know the results. I admit that I already feel some nervous in the stomach. I can go thousand times I will never appreciate this moments.

I hope I will get good news.