I am lost

Since the events of the last week my nights are smaller and more time been created to think and reflect about simple things, but also about Olivia and of course the Cancer, This last item (no respect anymore) still takes a big part of this insomnia. At the dawn I was excited and I could not wait for the morning just to see again the smile of my Olivia, I was almost tempted to wake her up just to kiss her. Slowly, I am taking the best of the simple moments, as today at the breakfast with all of us having a lovely chat, and also in the afternoon when I played with Oli outside in the snow, Of course is impossible to pass five minutes without kissing her, She is already upset :(

I know that the discouragement and self pity will not help me to fight and live my full Life, and it is inside me where I need to find the strengths. I am the only interested to be happy because we are only important when we are Here and even that, we are the only ones who genuinely can love our self. If I will go and live daily a partial life I would for sure also die slowly each day, Thus only facing the full life I can keep the death away everyday and die not alone but at least in mine presence. Justyna is trying all what she can to support me, This is of course also the hardest challenge of her life. She asked me what kind of things I would like to do if I would have a week to live, and you understand how difficult it is to answer this question. More difficult question I only can recall in the university when in the verbal examination of Taxation. It is difficult to think in a big enjoyment when I am under stress, but hopefully the stress will tend to end calmly.

To help me to fight the boredom I was also advised by my sister and friends to try to do get some work, but for now I see it difficult as I am get used to stay close to Olivia for 25 hours a day and I cannot give up that, plus of course with my shortage Life, each hour of my life reached now a immeasurably value, difficult to match the wages that even the big companies can afford to pay.

This evening will be the first one in our new house, We have already all the stuff there now is our task to find the happiness in each corner of the house. Hopefully tonight the snow will not block our trip to the Buddhist monastery. I am searching for enlightenment.