Deja vu

I should already know that in my home the plans are only for yesterday, plans for tomorrow are utopia in my dictionary, And the wishes are only steam dreams that easily melts in water. Today I experienced a deja vu, the same doctor as once and the verdict close to the same, Unfortunately, again this does not look easy and famous, Troubles and troubles are keeping following me. All this, just does not put me on the floor because of been getting use, seeing the bad news as inevitable. I have the strange feeling that this is what I can expect, When after the appointment I went for a lunch trying to carry on my artificial normal life and I listened in the background a sad song from Pearl Jam and I could not resist to cry, I said to Justyna those years in my youth when I listened that song I was very happy, at least once I was very happy.

The doctor looking on the report from the CT scan blown almost all my hopes of getting a happy Christmas, Because the lymphoma around the spleen did not stop to growth and apparently there is another node nearby, But what scares me more was the fact that in Liver there was another recurrence, a 1cm lump that is still difficult to understand what is it. Tuesday the oncologists, the surgeon and the radiologists will discuss my situation and the results from the CT scan, I hope next Tuesday with the surgeon I will know the action plan, it could be operation, chemotherapy or more scans if it still remains doubts. After that, the day might have finished for me but another fight has began. I am asking myself if there is limits for all, where I would find my limits to cope and go again out and fight the same Cancer. For now I am worried with Justyna as she is giving signs of lowering her energies, It is in the minimum very frustrating all this, Is like if we are constantly waiting for the night to rest but the Sun would permanently arise.

I do not know if it is healthy for my mind but for the first time I looked more inside in order to rescue energies than in the friends words, I understand the lack of words from my friends. But tomorrow I will need again from your care and tender as the bread for my mouth and the insulin after the bread.

Lastly, just remind one phrase from the McMillan that is stated in the oncologist's waiting room, There are bad days and good days.