Inside matrix

I did not go to the Moon yet, but today I was close, I dressed as an astronaut with a special suit, hat and glasses, all covered with sensors that monitored all my movements, kind of a Wii game, There were also dozens of cameras that filmed myself and projected those images just in front of me. For the first time I saw integrally myself from the back, Strange to see my clone even if from the back position. For a while inside a box with screens and mirrors I was bombed with lasers, which I needed to avoid, bending, twisting, knelling, etc. Some of the movements I has not done for a long time. Apparently, the aim of the research is to understand people's behaviour within virtual reality, How much people's experiences and behaviours within virtual reality match those in real life. After 40 minutes I started to get used to the Life in the virtual environment and to be honest I fall in Love for the Lasers in the Matrix, Shame they did not forget about me inside the Virtual Reality Box, After all I needed to step out to the Real World.

Very real and familiar however is the machine that I will enter tomorrow, Another Ct scan is coming, Fingers cross my friends.

Vegetarian Lion

It was the Day of mother to take Olivia to the cinema session, If they were happy I was even happier to have few hours just for me :) I did what I like the most, I found time for everything, I read, meditated and I did paint as well. I created an atmosphere of a very relaxing jungle, listening a sound to relax and meditate while I was going through the draw. It was a fantastic symbiosis, calm music with the look of a terrible feline. If you see, this is a vegetarian lion, only has vegetarian sausage and carrots.

It was a perfect Sunday, complemented with litters of juices, It was great the Dr Juice cocktail combined with the company of our friends Shubhy and Tom. The best way to welcome the new week, which will be very busy. To be honest I am happier when I have plans and assignments for the week. This one I will have tasks to do every day, Tomorrow I will be in the UCL to participate in an experiment about virtual Life, Day after I will have my CT scan and Friday I will know the results. For sure with all this veg diet the results must be great :)

Nut roast

Finally, I enjoyed again the same meal that I experimented in the last retreat, Back to those days when I tried the Nut roast with mushrooms I liked so much that I could not wait for the end of the retreat days after, just to ask for the recipe of that gold dish. Today we recreated at home with my friends Vasco and Sergio. Apparently all liked, and I am so generous that I want to share with all of you, but due to the distance between us I will leave only the recipe in this post... No problem :)

The invasion of the fruit in this house are now out of proportions, today I collected another shelf from a neighbour to have more room and stalls for those vegetables.

Special coin

Our Marathon through the Juices and smoothies are still on the way. This afternoon we had the delicious Dream Detox, with celeriac, cucumber, ginger, lemon and apple. For evening will be Breath Easy cocktail. The consequences of this daily extra vegetables I still do not know, but for now I am going very fresh and with a lot of energy.

Since few days I am trying to set up my paints and work in the canvas, but it has been impossible. Invariable the problem is always Olivia, Neither reading is any more possible. Often, I am hiding to get some rest from her readings and paintings, but the break is for a short time. This sounds a complain, but in reality I am fulfill with Her. I am carrying with me the both sides of a coin, For sure it always would needed to be like that. It is here and it is in all our Life, I found the happiness holding hands with the sadness.

Lastly, just to say how happy I was in the morning to see that Nelson Mandela is back home, after knew that he went to Hospital. He is a symbol of my generation. Luckily he was one of those rare heroes that his reason was recognized still in Life.

Endymion

The mystery was revealed, with the help of John and a dictionary become more clear the poem from John Keats, that been offered me by Jane. It is a such piece, difficult but beautiful. Also, Olivia took advantage of the visit of John and charge him with a pile of books.

Thursday, means my time to fly, to be artist, to do whatever I want. Today the challenge was to do quick portraits with a pen. There was not a chance to rubber. In the paper my teacher come like that, Justyna said that looked like a character took out from the Simpson's.

World of juices

There is always reasons even if there is no desire, Today to do more blood testes the reason was to do the cholesterol checks as other issues related with diabetes. This time the programme was in the Barnet Hospital, close to home, this because they were required from my GP. But wherever it is the routine is the same, the family is solidarity. I just need to have more careful next time, because Olivia this time was very sad and even cried when saw my arm with plaster. She loves me, as I love her, there is no doubts. The day was always full of events, firstly we went to the library to say our word and to defend the permanence of the Sure start children centre. Unfortunately, the crises is hitting everyone, children and the staff. But I am sure there is plenty that only see but not suffer.

Through the afternoon few more angels knock our door, Was the Freedom pass which was offered to me, this means I will have free travel through London. This will give me definitely more freedom to move around, as the prices of transports are almost forbidden for who works and more for who does not work. Afterwards, another Angel visited us, a useful and very necessary juice maker come inside through the doors, Only later we understood that was a gift from Shubhy and Tom. The first combination of Apple and Carrot was wonderful, so now there is a new World of juices to discover.

Bit of History

For a long time we have been planning this visit to the only Museum close to us, the Museum of Barnet, today was the day, raining outside we needed an excuse to go out, so the Museum was a great idea, Of course my idea :) Shame that the place also is fighting to survive due to budget restrictions. It was a guided tour through different centuries, Olivia the most liked the instruments that been used by doctors, at home, dresses and even dulls. I also noticed that she did a break and sat down in one school desk, I could seen that she dreamt about her future and days in school.

Detox

Last night after listened movements from Olivia in her bedroom for a while I was scare because when I came to Olivia's bedroom I found her outside her bed and going back to the bed, I was surprised and I was not sure what did happen, was she a sleepwalker ? something that I never spotted before, After I could not sleep until I listened her waking up again and going out from her bed. I run to her bedroom to make sure that she would not fall from the stairs, then I found the reason for her walking out of her bed, It was just to drink some water that was in a glass close by but out from her reach. It was a small thing but definitely also a landmark after become able to fall asleep by her own.

This Week it is the start of a new program for us, It will requires more time, patience and money, but we are willing to do, Our diet become more rich in vegetables, as we are buying a special juicer for fruits and vegetables and for wheat grass, which apparently is very good to help fight the Cancer, We also have now a tape water filter, The cows milk at home is also about to be replaced by soya and rice milk.

All this, it is still not the last effort and it is not a radical switch, It is only another help following advises and ideas already accepted by everyone, After so many chemotherapy, tablets, and now radiotherapy my body definitely will needs a push to improve its levels of self defences in the immune system, as well as cleaning body and blood, The kidneys are other contender that I need to look after to would not be necessary to go to dialysis.

Life is a miracle

It was wonderful to spend the day with our great friend Veena, She has been always together with us, since ever and in that way will be forever. We had a treat with good food while we spoke about life and also politicians as usual with Veena, It is always great to learn more things with her. To be honest for a long time I did not feel so good as today, Even it past through my mind to go for a small jogging. This is something that I need to ask to my surgeon, at least if I can do a fast walk. Afterwards, we altogether got home and watched a very suggestive film from Kusturica, Life is a miracle.

To finished the day nothing better than have a very human evening, Justyna knitting and myself diving in a unsuccessful Sudoku while listening Pearl Jam.

Seventh Art

The day was given to the Seventh Art, Olivia had her first session in the Odeon to watch Toy Story, she was bit disappointed because she expected to be myself to insert the DVD in the computer but in the end appeared that big screen. I think I was more happy than her. But we had good time together with chocolates and crisps, the pop corn has not arrived yet :)
While we were in the comfort of the Cinema Justyna had some time for herself, She escaped with Shubhy for a female breakfast.

Backed home I met Shubhy and received from her some handouts with information to help even more to fight the undesired bug. In the afternoon it was great to have the visit of our polish friends Kasha and Rafi, It was lovely to spend time together and see for the first time a small prominence in Kasha's belly. Another Polish girl is on the way :)

Weapon of mass destruction

It was a very intense and long Friday as I expected, just now I arrived from the Hospital. Nevertheless, the day went very colourful, behind the White and Black. When I woke up I knew that this day must offer me something special. I had a feeling :)

First thing in the Hospital, I was presented with a visit of a friend, Angy that works in the Hospital. She did not forget about my birthday and came to give me a kiss and offered me a book and CD about Buddhism. It was lovely. Afterwards my nervous were calmed down, and I faced the appointment with the doctors more positive.

The doctors did not offered me the Sky but also not the Hell, what made me happy, In fact there was a piece of good news, The scan that I did it was not conclusive about the size of the tumours, also because this specific scan is not used for check if shrank or increased, But showed one thing very important for the future, The tumours has into its nucleus a big density of receptors related with hormones, highlighted in the scan, and only with that the Radiotherapy that is planned could be very effective. They call it Yttrium 90-targeted radionuclide therapy, Sorry about this. The dose will be given me via intravenous, it will last only 20 minutes to thrive a lot of explosions in the tumours. In the day of the treatment I will need to stay overnight in the Hospital, because of radiation radiated from this bombs of mass destruction.

But to start this treatment again I will need the approval of an Agency that gives the funding to this, and it looks that the decision can takes few months. But to not wait in the dark I will do another scan next week, this one to check the size, afterwards depending if the Cancer has increased or not I might need to do few other cycles of chemotherapy, This until I start the radiotherapy. As you see we are running behind the clock and the money. This financial crises sadly will inevitable knock in our doors as well.

After all this I just wanted to go out from the Hospital, I cannot remember a day in the last months that I enjoyed so much to breath deeply the air of the Hampstead Heath park, almost until grasp the pollution, To look for the Sun, that was strong, until almost go blind, To smell the first flowers of the Season until feel dizzy. For a moments I took a refuge in a park only with the trilogy of my Life, to know, Olivia, Justyna and Sun. The Life is not going totally as I wanted but it is me which needs to help to take a different path.

Tomorrow, I have another promise set up with Olivia, we are going for the first time for a Morning matinee Cinema together, I am curios to see her reaction :)
Have a lovely weekend

Black and white

More difficult than managed the headache, discomfort and anxiety I can see only how to managed the Expectations. If for one side I do not want to have too big expectations, Like for example for tomorrow's appointment with doctors I do not want to suffer again disappointments, so I keep my dreams never above the ground line, Because after all is deadly painful to hope one thing and been served with other. But for other side, worst than that is to not have any expectations, to not Dream, this would just mean resignation and giving up, and I know a lot of people which would be very upset with that. Again, I do not know where to turn, and to find different colours than the black and white .

This Friday I need to take a lot of breath in, as I will have two appointments in the Royal Free Hospital, the Oncologist which will serve me as a breakfast, the details and results of my last Monday's scan. After just keeping the air inside the Lungs while I will see other doctor, responsible for Neuroendocrines and probably the one who will follows my Radiotherapy. This days are much more fun when we are full of hopes and good energy, I cannot let those thoughts to leave me. All the help is needed.

Future flowers

The Spring did not arrived yet, but not because of we would not desired, We are doing the best as we can to call for the Sun, for the birds and for the first flowers. Some time ago I put a stand to feed the birds and today Olivia and Justyna started to plant our future flowers in the garden. Today the Sun gave a taste of the Spring, only the coldness kept our thoughts refrained from drifting to other Seasons. With all of that I felt incomparably much better, sugars more regular and also mood more positive.

Bitter sugar

After yesterday's party today we been called to the Ground, Without explanation since few days ago my diabetes and the sugars went up very high and it has been difficult to control the bitterness of those sugars. I have not changed my diet, neither the habits so I just do not know what did happen and also what to do to become normal. I was last night very distress and sleepless because of that, and today I have been extremely tired and with headache. I will give a couple of days and after decide if I should go to Hospital to speak about this, but hopefully it will come better by itself.

39 years it is not enough

Lovely day, Another year on the back and I am still not fed up with this Life. Long day and intense. All afternoon I was in the UCL for another scan, Hopefully will bring me the best of the gifts, means a result not too much blurred with hot spots from the Cancer. But without that news I had my best gift from Justyna's mouth, my dream will came through, We will have a dog :) another member of the family. I am so happy.

In the evening I had a great group of friends that come over to have a dinner in a restaurant nearby my house.

Imagine

We are very tired after a weekend away in Liverpool, It was lovely to see and stay with John's family, We even manged to visit the beach, It was wonderful to see the sea again in the Formby beach. Yesterday, we had a very busy but enjoyable day, We tasted the intensity of the Life in Liverpool, we ha a great fun.

But tonight, we are already back, Tomorrow it will be again another busy day, I had a very important scan in the UCL, a Gallium scan which will check all the body looking for tumours. Hopefully it will have mercy of me, as it is also my Birthday :) Tomorrow is a party day. Time to stay with family and with close friends and imagining not only us but all the people living in peace and Love. Like John Lennon imagined.

Of course you are all invited for the party.

Scousers

Yesterday took us to a trip to up North, It has been good to take fresher air here in Liverpool, Before we did a scale in Grantham, Olivia was very grumpy, probably lack of sleep but also because of her mood. In Grantham we enjoyed the rural atmosphere and the animals in the farms. Shame our stay it was not long. After we did the journey that took us to the last destination in Liverpool, around the Everton area where John's family lives. Olivia she picks up language very quick and we were wondering if she is already picking up the scouse accent.

Better waters

Today we are getting ready for our tomorrow's trip to Liverpool, Olivia will go for the first time with us to visit John's family, his mum and sisters. I like very much the atmosphere in the North of England, is like in the North of Portugal, People are more simple and friendly but also more energetic and noisy. Our departure will be from King's cross Rail station. I am already excited with the idea of travel in the train.

This days I am feeling more calm, I supposed the lack of the Sunitinib is helping me and my brain to sleep better and to easy the distress over my body as it is enough the distress from the legions in the Liver and somewhere else in the body. Nevertheless, yesterday I was thinking so much, that what worries me more is Olivia, and eventual early lose of her father. Justyna was very wise when she said to me that I should set up some objectives in my mind to encourage me to go through this, like think about to be present in her First Communion, after go to school, be in her marriage and to be a grandfather. In this way I will focus and getting the positive energies and discharge the bad ones in order to go through more stations as possible. If the saying You can never step in the same river twice is true soon I will find myself in a better waters, This I am sure.

Small good things

The calmness is reaching again better levels at home and into myself, Olivia is going very well through her nights in her own new room. Probably is even harder to us to go to bed without seeing her close to me and wake up farther away from her. This morning I went for another Reiki session in the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care, I almost feel asleep was not my concern to have always my Liver under visualization. Anyway, I came home very relaxed and with an incredible light legs. Something that you probably already noticed is the fact that for a while I have not complained about my back, This is because of that famous back pain that accompanied me all the time, has in fact vanished. I do not know how to explain but that pain that I already had for guaranteed has suddenly disappeared. Thanks.

Justyna recovered another house for Oli, She has again her small shed to play with her toys and dulls. Olivia was very happy and invited me to visit her, I could not stay long because it is too small for me. In the evening we went to Shubhy's house for Pari's farewell party as she is going back to USA. Another good thing that I experimented today was that I felt again able to taste spicy food, this because of left the Sunitinib few days ago. This I am sure will give another dimension to the meal time :)
Pari will be very much missed, We love her.

Tous pour un, un pour tous

The day is going so long, Last night I could not sleep at all, but this time I cannot blame Olivia, as she slept in her own bedroom and only woke once. The problem this time was more Justyna, she was slightly sick, and I was very worried. This event makes me think how much is also the suffering of Justyna when she sees me sick and restless with pain. Fortunately, in the morning she went to the doctor and now is better. Every day, however it is, dark or bright We are always an inseparable team. There was not any appointment in the Hospital that we would not turn out together, and in Barnet I am sure we are already very famous, as a trio that are always together wandering around. With proud we are the Musketeers of Barnet.

Parrot

Olivia is now passing through a stage that I called the Parrot, There is nothing that she likes more than just copycat her parents. A mobile phone is such a joy for her, she speaks and replies herself, In the toilets she needs to have a book, Anything that we tell, essentially in English language she is behind replying the same words.

Today Justyna's cousins left the house, They found a new place for them, With that Olivia has been upgraded to her bedroom, We took advantage and moved her bed to her room. She looked very excited with the idea of finally sleeping in her own bedroom. just now I read to her sleep. Let us see how it will go the night, if she will not wake and ask for mother, I think it will be very normal if now in the beginning she will find hard to get used, But we will help her. I remember myself of having 7 years old and still liked to sleep in my parents bed, So I cannot be too demanding with Oli.

Half way to the Spring

Such a great Sun today visited High Barnet, If it was not the coldness I would say that the Spring arrived. Olivia could not resist and took her motorbike out from her house and went for a ride to the Park. The days have been calm, the time is all consumed with Olivia, There is nothing that I would start that does not need to be interrupted by Olivia, either she wants to play hide and seek, or just travel to Portugal in our secret transport machine or just when she comes with a big pile of books to be read. I am more positive, probably because the pain in the Liver has eased now, I just have for time to time a terrible heartburn, that affects even my Back, Fortunately the Omeprazole normally helps to sort out this discomfort.

In the State of Grace

Today I did not miss the call for Dad's day in the Library, But unfortunately only one more dad came for the Play. The reason I presume was the very short notice for this activity. I was very sad for the emptiness of the big room for activities in the Library. But of course been almost the only father present in the Centre helped to keep myself in the state of Grace of Olivia. Our treat it was the World's best sweet according to Justyna, a Pastel de Nata.

Like everything that come also goes, and yesterday already the Kings marked the end of a beautiful season, but it was today that the Christmas tree came down, and the decorations to the box.

Out of the track

Another appointment in the Royal Free Hospital made all the family to wake up early and move as the nomads do, just instead our bags were full of hope, fear, and love. I was very happy to see again my preferred Oncologist, Dr Gilmore. She is very humane, the closest doctor to my heart that I ever had. It was beautiful too see Olivia holding hands with her, like to see my Love being friend of the worst enemy of the Cancer, It is a case to tell a friend of a friend is always my Friend. Not all is good news but when the things are very well explained, in the eyes the pain is more bearable. The doctors meeting concluded that in fact the cancer is again more active and there is signs of a new legion in the Liver found out in a very detailed examination that they did. Definitely the Sunitinib is not getting its aim, From tomorrow I will give up those tablets, also because the next step, the Radiotherapy cannot be performed as the same time as I am having those pills because both damaged the bone marrow. To be honest the Sunitinib will not be missed in this House.

Speaking with the doctor I reinforced my impression that I am playing a game of catch up, or a run that I am keeping failing for few inches to catch the Cancer, and now I am again few inches behind It. Firstly it was after the operation apparently there was few Cancer cells left in the Liver that not allowed to this become a past, now few weeks ago there was a debate whether I should have another surgery to get rid of the Cancer in the Liver, This would be possible only if the Cancer showed stable, but just in the last moment the scans told a different thing, So all this plans were postponed for an eventual day that can be stopped again and be stable its march. In the appointment I was very emotional, also because of tiredness, and I asked the doctor with a tear in my eyes what is my future and Olivia's? she did not paint the scenery pink but gave also hopes, which is the only thing that I need, She hopes that the radiotherapy will have a good effect, and whatever happens this is still not the end of the line, because there is more treatments in the shelves, inclusive few new encouraging Drugs. After, I smiled, happy with this lollipop.

In this way, we left the Hospital with our bags full of good and bad thoughts. The wheels are still not on the track and this was proved when in the Underground station we lost one of the wheels from Olivia's pram, which fell to the train line. It was surrealistic the events after, I called the emergency of the station which came downstairs with a torch to see where was the missed wheel, For that they needed to stop a train that was approaching the station, So for a minute we had our moment of glory and fame, everybody in the station was looking for us, and probably whole London underground have been disrupted for a single minute because of Olivia's pram, Our deep apologises. After all went smoothly.

In the afternoon it was great to have the visit and company of my friend Sergio, all of us went for a ride in his car to Justyna pick up wool for her new hobby, Nowadays I am feeling as a child, I am so excited and happy just to go in a ride in a car.

Tajine

Today I have been very tired, I guess the tomorrow's appointment in the Royal Free Hospital is playing a big role on that. Nothing cheers me up, all sounds plain and depressive. Even on the stage of the Art class I was not able to dream as usual, Normally those are my best couple of hours of the week. I was not there for the first time. The problem was not for sure the Dark nature and the untidiness of the charcoal, otherwise. I confess the only spot that make me smile was the prominent Tajine.

We can be constantly happy, But while unhappy, the fact of once being happy will not make us happy again.

Justyna and Olivia were busy in a different mission, they went to have a lunch with the baby Kasia, Happy Birthday.

Socratic thoughts

After 2.5 years I had again a Reiki session. I still keep good memories of those first sessions in the UCL Hospital, which helped me to keep the head above the water. Today it was in the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care. The therapist was a great professional, and very human. She told me that was in love with my hair that is why she kept touching and passing energies through my head. The Centre was also receiving works of maintenance as myself, The builders were constantly drilling with powerful and noisy drillers, But surprisingly I took advantage of that to focus in those machines as if they were surgery tools which were cracking down also the stones and tumour in the Liver. I am curios to see the results :)

It was a very relaxing session and even more important now, when I am feeling very unstable and distress. Afterwards, came the best, I had Justyna and Olivia waiting outside, to take me home. Our walk had a stop in the park and in the bar of the park for a coffee for Justyna, a tea for me and a Babychino for Olivia. Probably, influenced by those intellectual fluids Olivia before home still asked us to stop again as she was deeply thinking, she did not say what it was about.

Evening was again a therapy of cakes and cakes.

True Love

I had a very busy night last one, I could not sleep; stress, hypoglycemia, belly pain, Olivia waking up constantly? The reason I am not sure. Actually, I think I know the reason for all this restless nights, and finally I got courage to tell Justyna the real reason. In the middle of the night I could not stand anymore this sensation that burns my head and heart. Justyna is now aware about everything. I have another Love as for Justyna. I am in Love for the small Olivia.

It is even more hard when I have this blank nights, I am waiting desperately for the morning to give a kiss to Oli and play with her. This afternoon we had our shopping therapy in the Sainsbury's :)

Caterpillar

I cannot wait for the time and weather that would let us stay longer outside of our Cocoon, at least to enjoy our garden, see the flowers coming out, and sit under the Sun. This is still only memories or wishes as for now is the cold that is arising again, The only good place to stay is indoors, I would not complain too much, because I have Justyna and Olivia, With them, together and close I am felling always secure wherever I am.

This Friday I will restart my visits to the Oncologist and I would know more about what they want to offer me. It is true that often I prefer to stay at home and do not go to the Hospital and pass through the usual distress, It is like if would be better to not know what the doctors have to tell me and only rely what my mind says. Nevertheless, this time is also my body, some pain in the Liver, which is advising me to go to the Oncologist.

Fat Sunday

The first window appears in the sky and we were outside, It was a short walk through the field but enough to bring home tons of mud. Afterwards, it was better, a relaxing tea at home with the team. I would called this a Fat Sunday, as was full of friends, but not because of they been fatty. In the evening Olivia had the visit of her close friends Krishna and Veena. She did not lose the opportunity to show them her new toys.

Meanwhile, the first days of the year are marked by my huge efforts to unlock my Polish language. Only today I realised that this is my New Year resolution. Everyday is increasing the list in my notebook of Polish words that I know, It is also true that everyday others are erasing from my memory, but I guess this is like all the fights, we must be persistent. And fights are with me :)

Last thing that I would like to share with you is this link with few songs from my talented pianist friend Ryan. You will see, you will not lose your time.
http://vimeo.com/17168217