The Prince Who Never Smiled

I am feeling so grumpy that the family should take the example from an Olivia's book, Just open a contest to see who is the first to make me laugh or even smile. I believe this is a hard task so the compensation will be also very generous. I also appreciate a help to find more peace, but this is my own battle, that I must win inside me.

Raining tears

I confess that I am going through those days when I feel upset and angry with everything and everyone, even I am sad with the special one, Today I did not feel motivated to go to the church. Probably tomorrow this will change and I will want again to catch up with him. I hope he will forgive me for this, This time has been very difficult to take this without some childishness.

Where I am finding a lot of support these days is in the Walt Disney stories that Olivia watches, they are leading my dreams, There, it is possible to change everything, nothing is written forever. I want to live there, when the Life stories ends in the end of each chapter, but we can watch again and again. More seriously, I was listening a documentary from a Buddhist Monk, Matthieu Ricard, and he says that the happiness is ephemeral, what makes us happy now, repeated and repeated, tomorrow it will not makes us happy anymore, And I would add my hope, that the same should happen with the unhappiness, if we will be familiar with that state longer it might become less and less painful and sad.

To escape from this atmosphere of resignation we all walked this afternoon to a coffe bar in the country side, It would have been a perfect walk if not polluted with so many posh houses and cars. I prefer everything simple. You can understand by now, that I am now the worst company possible :)

The sky looks that is paying me out with the same coin. Tonight the sky will not open for us to show the brightest Moon of the year, instead from there only cold and rain.

Invisible pain

I am, we are very sad, It is an invisible pain, that without being seen it hurts so much, Probably only Camões would know how to describe it. I just know that what I am feeling is something deep inside, as if the soul suddenly is here, with shape, very vivid, and present. The hard bit is also to play the hide and seek with Olivia, not as normally, now hiding the tears as soon as she comes around. For my wish I started to have those deep conversations with Justyna, but the deal is to speak about everything but to not give up in the hopes, whatever we speak is just a back up for the future, just in case :)


We started the morning dropping and hiding tears, but later we also wiped tears, for that helped our day out watching the Ballet Revolution, in the West End, this was a Shubhi and Tom's present for my birthday, and came in crucial time, to make our thoughts vary for a couple of hours. At the same time Olivia was with Shubhi and Tom in an animals farm, Apparently we all had a great afternoon. Today Tom was telling and it is true, this is not the first time that I come to this point and always we moved to a better, and hopefully this time will be the same, We must believe we still have more good days ahead.

In a mess

This is not happening to me, it is what I am screaming inside my emptiness, I have a beautiful wife and daughter and I want to live my Life, but I am finding myself in a narrower tunnel, I am scary that there is nothing else to see and to enjoy. In the morning was all smiles and hope, in the end of the day was just one injection that supposed to bring goodness, but again already inside the doctor's office I was taken by surprise with a devastating news, hit by a car, or a train. I was told about the last minute change of plans, The treatment is not the paradise and a mild drug but instead the purgatory and a heavy tablets. This because the disease spread to another places and got bigger, we thought that it would be calm for a while but pure fallacy. Next Friday I am starting the new medicine which hopefully can hold the growth for a while, But if not.. here is the biggest problem, The doctor said to us that this is the end of the line, there is nothing else to be offered me, at least proven that can help. I believe that I am now in a mess, looking for anyway to feel the ground inside, anything that could make all this worth.

From the Hospital, me and Justyna did not know where to go, we just walk and walk, It is harder for me to know that Justyna could do everything to see me better, but there is nothing she can do, Too hard for all of us. Olivia is with Shubhi, she will come soon, I do not know how I will react.
Life carries on,  difficult to believe :)

Laureotide- test dose

We are all in the hospital,I am going through my sabbatical escape. Enjoying drawing and reading. Meanwhile I had already the taste of my test dose, If everything keeps on the track as until now tomorrow I will have the full dose. The injection of Laureotide auto gel, essentially a hormone could mess up unpredictably with the sugar levels, this is the big worry and I will find out tomorrow. Now I enjoying the luxury of blog in the Vasco's iPhone.

Keep firm

I am still at home waiting for a call from the hospital to be told what time and on which bed I will camp this evening. This morning I spoke with the nurse and she told me that I will need to stay in the hospital until Friday. No chance to vote in the Thursday elections :( The treatment should start only tomorrow and I will need to be monitored throughout Thursday night. This time the side effects of the treatment seem to be severe, but to be honest I am quit relax, so far. I even did not Google information about the injections and I am not familiar with the name of the treatment. Probably the experience plays a big part in this detachment. This days I will not have only the treatment, I also will find out what was the scan results from last week. So no mood for holidays in the hospital.

I tried to keep busy and this morning I went to the drawing class with Justyna, now doing my bag and set up the mind.

Peter Pan

1st of May, No work for anyone, For me there are plenty of 1st of May's through the year. It is a date that we should remember that the Human Being was not made only for work, and it is asked from all of us a bit more of understanding from the needs from our co-Human Beings. It is in our hands in a lot of small things to create a better life, sometimes we think that the sin is always in our neighbours, but I think we all are not behaving as we should.

Today was my last day before I will be admitted in the Hospital to have my monthly injections, hopefully I will come back Thursday afternoon with a lot of reasons to be happy and the tumours unhappy. It came in the perfect time the today's Reiki session, I relaxed and had refilled with positive energies. I had also met my friend Ken, to update our personal stories.

Justyna had for the first time a go on the trampoline, Olivia was very excited, enjoying the moment, Later she had the company of Jean that was in his environment, jumping.

In the evening the Herman the German friendship cake was an excuse to see more friends, sharing our emotions. Olivia is now asleep and probably in a dream of Peter Pan, as she has been very much in that mood.